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first m/c not sure what to do or how to feel

(7 Posts)
glendathegoodwitch Fri 27-May-11 09:17:05

hi
i had my first mc on saturday at 11+5 - started bleeding on the previous wednesday was checked over on the thurs (no scan) but was told everything closed and to go home to bedrest until scan booked for monday.
saturday daytime though i was having really horrible period pains so went back to a&e and while in the waiting room i felt something ping inside then the pain went away but as soon as i stood up i was gushing. ended up on gynae ward and after what seemed like forever was seen by a dr who examined me and said i was having an incomplete mc and wanted to keep me in as i was bleeding quite heavily - caused uproar because i wanted to go to the ward i work on (midwifery led birthing unit) where i know the girls would look after me well and eventually i got wheeled up there, the midwives were fab and it was lovely being looked after by people who gave a shit.

i was ok at this time and laughing and joking and the bleeding subsided so after staying in overnight i went home on sunday to go back monday for the can to see if there was anything left.

went back monday for scan and only a 1cm sq piece of tissue was left so no need for erpc - came home and was due to go to brighton for a few days anyway so pakced our bags and of we went

nothing really hit me until i was stood in the cath kidston shop and saw all the baby bits. went back to the hotel and had a good cry and now we are home it is really hit me but i dont know what to do - half of me wants to just write this experience off not let it get me down and just start again asap which sounds heartless i know but might get me through it easier

or do i go through the emotions of what ifs, important dates, take time off work (ive been signed off for 2 weeks but because of where i work told to come back when ready)

should i do something in memory of the baby?? i have friends who have had tattoo's in memory or have got a rosebush etc.... or can i just get back to normal as soon as i can???

also what should i do with the stuff i started getting for the baby - just bibs, muslins, sleeping bags and a teddy? can i keep them for the next one or should i give them away and start afresh????

seems like i either getover it and bounce back (which im inclined to do but may seem cold) or dwell on what ifs??

i know everyone deals with this kind of thing in their own way but would like to hear peoples experience of how they deal with it and if they started trying again how soon etc....

thanks in advance xx

MmeLindor. Fri 27-May-11 09:28:05

So sorry for your loss. And that the hospital staff were a bit useless (until you got up to the ward, how nice to be with people who cared well for you)

I have had m/cs and I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to deal with it. Everyone does it differently.

If you think that planting a rose bush would help, do that. I didn't because we move so often that I would have had to leave it behind (and because I am such a shite gardener and would have forgotten to water it or something).

Take the time off work, treat yourself to a bit of pampering and do things that you would not normally have time to do.

Take care.

whatsoever Fri 27-May-11 10:40:54

glenda so sorry for your loss. I am off work at the moment following a MMC and had surgery on Tuesday. Like you I'm struggling to know how to feel and what to do.

Half if me wants to just man-up, chalk it down as one if life's shit episodes and get on with things. The other half wants to talk through every last detail, scream and cry about how unfair it is and generally have a massive greiving tantrum.

Both routes appear to have their pros and cons. I suspect I may try the former, though it may be punctuated by the latter at some point. Probably after a bottle of white wine.

YBR Fri 27-May-11 15:10:07

So sorry for you.
I've had 2 MMCs and each one was a bereavement of sorts. You may have come across stages of grief like denial, anger (sometimes at yourself, i.e. guilt), depression, acceptance - I went through most of that over time although not in a particularly "classic" form (it is so different from the loss of (say) an elderly friend). Give yourself time to start dealing with it, don't think you need to be "fine" as soon as possible.
I would recommend waiting before you choose what to do in memory of your baby - we now sponsor a child in Ethiopia but it took some time before we could take that decision. I flipped between so many options in my mind after the first MMC I just didn't know what I wanted for so long.
Similarly for baby stuff; it is probably painful having it around so pack it away for now (loft or garage or something). Again I'd say give yourself time to make that decision.

BatsInTheSnowglobe Fri 27-May-11 16:46:49

Glenda so sorry for your loss. I had (still am really i guess) mmc, was meant to have erpc y'day but passed it Wednesday evening, so surgery was cancelled. Like you i've had mixed emotions. I started bleeding Wednesday, scanned and found out mmc Friday. After several days of feeling very sorry for myself i picked myself up and then just wanted it to be over with. The whole process feels so dragged out and cruel. I also feel so cold hearted for thinking like this. But at other times i still feel sorry for myself. It's still early days so i know it's probably normal to feel like this. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to deal with this, we're all different. Personally, although it might seem cold, i hope i keep in the mind set of wanting to move on asap and get back in the saddle and try again, so to speak. I hope you find the best way to deal with this for.
My mum had over excitedly already knitted several cardies and started a blanket. She asked me whether I wanted them thrown away or kept for my next baby. She said to me she knitted them for my baby, not specifically the baby i had lost but the one I will get to keep. I decided to keep everything she had made as in my mind she's right, although I do not have the items myself, she is keeping them to give me when i have a baby to use them. smile

MsBump Sat 28-May-11 08:37:46

Ladies - so sorry for your losses. I am too having a MMC (started bleeding on weds) had decided to go the natural route to avoid general.
I am lucky to have a toddler already which means I have tonnes of baby stuff I had saved for my next one. (just had to go through it all as moving this weekend as well!) I think Bats you are right that keeping the clothes and baby stuff is for the baby you will eventually get to hold. I know it's easier for me to be more pragmatic about it but I think that having the baby bits gives me hope that they will one day get used. Hope you ladies are feeling ok.

glendathegoodwitch Sun 29-May-11 06:11:44

thanks ladies for your advice!!!

apart from tension headaches and a cold sore the size of venezuela (which i always get when run down) im ok!!!

i am going to get on with life and not wallow in self pity (though im sure i will have occasional days) i have put away the baby bits that i had gathered and will save for the baby i get to hold apart from the little soft toy that i got which i will put on my shelf in my bedroom - think this is the only memorial/memory i need.

am going to start TTC as soon as i get a BFN which im not due to do till week on monday though fortunately my body has banished all hormones and pregnancy related symptoms swiftly (am amazed at how efficent my body has done this and recovered)

good luck ladies and fingers x'd we meet again v soon on the other side xxx

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