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Lost ivf twins at 20 weeks. Heartbroken.

(44 Posts)
SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs Fri 27-May-11 06:52:30

TTC for 7 years, finally conceived naturally last May, mmc at 8 weeks. Decided to have ivf, was successful on 2nd round in January. Everything was going fine but then the membranes ruptured on one of the twins. We tried to hold on but infection set in and the twins were delivered at 20 weeks on Saturday.

Not sure how to get over this and feel like I'm never going to be a mummy.

Cadmum Fri 27-May-11 07:13:56

I am so sorry about your loss.

I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I can relate to the loss at 20 weeks and to losing twins but I already had dcs before our losses.

There is nothing that anyone can say to heal your broken heart but I am here to read and respond if you feel up to writing.

The first couple of weeks are the toughest and you will have ups and downs over the coming months.

Be kind to yourself.

Do you have a RL support system? Family and friends can find miscarriage very difficult to discuss and may behave oddly...

BranchingOut Fri 27-May-11 07:16:11

I am so sorry, that must indeed be devastating.

Do keep posting on here, there is a lot of support around.

LIG1979 Fri 27-May-11 07:27:01

I am so sorry for your losses. I know I cannot say anything or do anything to make things better but if I could I would. I know from my mil who miscarried 3 times before conceiving my dh, you will never forget your lost babies but the pain does eventually subside to a dull ache. Thinking of you....x x

shesparkles Fri 27-May-11 07:28:07

so sorry sad xxx

giraffesCantZumba Fri 27-May-11 07:31:16

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your darling twins. sad SANDS is a fantastic website if you want to speak to others in same/similar situation.

frakyouveryverymuch Fri 27-May-11 07:40:00

I'm so sorry for your losses sad take care of yourself.

glendathegoodwitch Fri 27-May-11 08:50:16

hugs xx

randomimposter Fri 27-May-11 10:43:03

Just wanted to say you've been unbelievably brave dachs, I've been blown away by your strength and togetherness, though I realise your cyber-state and how you feel in your heart are not necessarily the same sad.

I don't have any unique words of wisdom; just massive admiration for you, and that if you find the resolve to TTC again I send the strongest and most heart-felt wishes that Felicia and Alexander get the sibling(s) we all hope for. Much love x

lemonsherbet Fri 27-May-11 10:58:23

Dachs I remember you from the conception thread. I am so sorry to hear your news. I understand what you are going through.

I had a miscarriage last Oct. Then got pregnant again. I went for a routine appointment at 20 weeks and they could find no heartbeat. He had died in my womb. I delivered my little boy about 2 weeks ago. I also have no other children. I have been told to lose a baby in the 2nd trimester with no obvious infection or early labour caused by a cervix problem that it is likely to be a maternal cause. I feel that there is no way I will have a living child. There is a thread that is 20 week loss need to tell my story and the ladies on there know what it is like. I have found it very useful. They are in a similar situation but slightly further along.

On a practical note there is a baby mailing preference service which I have used. They stop you getting the majority of the baby mailing.

I am still finding it very tough but am doing better than I was a week ago. I will never forget him. Be kind to yourself.If you want to PM then please do. My thoughts are with you. A very big hug to you and your family.

minmooch Fri 27-May-11 11:39:48

So, so sorry to read your news. I lost my id twin girls due to TTTS and IUGR at 21+ weeks in September 2008. It is the most heartbreaking time, isolating, frightening and very lonely. I could not have got through the last 2 1/2 years without the love and support I found from SANDS. Please have a look at that forum as everyone there understands :-(

I never thought I would survive the loss, anniversaries are hard, all the what-ifs etc but time is a big healer (difficult to relate to that at this very early stage) and although I still grieve for my daughters, I am able to live with the grief rather than be all consumed by it. Just want to let you know that we somehow find a way to live through something so terrible.

Much love to you and your little angels. xxx

PieMistress Fri 27-May-11 12:16:36

Dachs - I am so so sorry to hear of your loss of Alexander and Felicity. I've been lurking on the other thread about being updiffed after a m/c (as have recently had a m/c) and read your story.

All I want to say really is that my thoughts are with you and your DH at this sad, sad time. I can't believe how cruel life can be sometimes xx

My thoughts are also with the others on this thread and board that have suffered losses, why why why does it have to happen <sob>

Hugs to all xx

PieMistress Fri 27-May-11 12:17:23

Sorry I meant Felicia but I don't know how to edit my post, sorry x

kat2504 Fri 27-May-11 13:54:59

Hi dachs i would like to echo the comment about how incredibly strong you have been. Of course you are heartbroken and it will hurt badly for a while before the grief is something you can come to terms with. Did your hospital refer you for any psychological support? You could see a gp if you think bereavement counselling would help.
I don't think it is something you ever forget or get over entirely.
Did you and Dh decide on somewhere to go on holiday?

Jemma1111 Fri 27-May-11 14:01:42

I'm so sorry sad xx

LouMacca Fri 27-May-11 14:09:31

I am so very sorry to read your post, my heart goes out to you x x

PigeonPie Fri 27-May-11 14:22:19

dachs - I am so sorry to hear too. When I lost my twins to TTTS I found the TAMBA Bereavement Support Group helpful too.

I felt like I was in a very deep hole with a huge black cloud hanging over me after we lost them and it took a long time for me to get back to some semblance of normality. However, although you will never forget your DTs, time does help heal. I have found it has made me a different person and most of it, in the end, in a good way (almost 7 years down the line).

Take your time in grieving, don't let anyone do anything that you don't want to do and keep talking to your DH / DP.

Hugs to you both

SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs Fri 27-May-11 18:32:31

Feeling very miserable right now. Am in pain and also breasts are full of milk. It's unfair that the physical reminders won't let me start trying to get over the emotional loss.

It's a week tomorrow and I need to start trying to return some of the stuff we bought for them, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to face looking at it, let alone loading it into the car and taking it back.

I just want my babies. And although I'm glad I saw them and held them, the little boy looked so much like his daddy and the little girl had my eyes and it hurts even more than when they were just inside me, because I can see them in front of me whenever I close my eyes, and they were so much like us, if that makes any sense to anyone.

SauvignonBlanche Fri 27-May-11 18:46:03

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I found my milk coming in to be especially cruel.
I'm glad you were able to see your children. Best wishes to you and your DH.

HorseyGirl1 Fri 27-May-11 18:59:39

So sorry this has happened. It happened to me also. I lost my little boys at just under 20 weeks in December. My heart is broken. I don't know how to get through this either. It's so hard. xx

CollieandPup Sat 28-May-11 00:09:35

dachs again, i am so so sorry for your loss of alexandra and felicia. My heart breaks fir you. Like jolls said I'm in complete admiration of your strenghth but understand in RL you must be struggling to cope. I have no words of wisdom, or comfort, but I just wanted to post to say you are never far from my thoughts, and I truely hope you and your dh eventually find the strength to move on and try again and you get your happy forever after.

The thought of you sending back the things you have bought sounds just heartbreaking. Can it not wait, it's still very early and raw? Or indeed can someone else not take over this for you? Maybe you mum or mil?

Wishing you and everyone else on here who has also suffered such sad losses much strength and happiness in the future.

SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs Sat 28-May-11 08:24:57

Attempting to take all the stuff back today. Don't have receipts for all of it. Hope they aren't too difficult about taking it back (John Lewis and Mamas & Papas mainly)

randomimposter Sat 28-May-11 08:51:07

dachs you are so brave sad

totally get why you want to do this difficult job now and as soon as possible... am hoping (as a former trainer for retail companies) that both JLP and M&P have empathetic and sensible staff and/or procedures for this. Would be pretty confident about JLP, hope M&P as good.

Thinking of you x

PigeonPie Sat 28-May-11 11:17:23

Dachs, I hope today isn't too harrowing, but at least it's something practical 'to do'.

I so know what you mean about wanting them. I just felt my arms were empty and they should have been full.

For me one of the bad times was when my lovely DH kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday which was two months after we lost them. I didn't want anything material and in the end I just broke down saying that all I wanted was my babies back.

It's a rubbish time, but you will get through it, even though you don't feel like it at the time.

Don't forget - it really is all right to cry. And if you don't feel like doing anything, don't do it. Give yourself time before you go back to work and when you go back, if you want to do just half days, do that for a while. You are both going through a huge bereavement and it will take time.

Northernlurker Sat 28-May-11 11:23:01

What a terrible loss for you. My heart goes out to you and dh. This is a very, very hard world sometimes.
I hope you get on alright taking things back today.

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