advice for other children

[shakeyjake]

hi i am a newbie here and just wanted to post my story as i think actually writing down my experience will help me with some of the pain and hurtof losing my lovely baby grace and also need advice on how to deal with the grief my other children feel

i have 3 beautifull children and each pregnancy was fantastic, no morning sickness, a little back ache but no major problems. Grace was my 5th pregnancy (my 2nd was an ectopic and i lost my right tube) and the pregnancy went just like usual, no sickness, little backache and i actually lost half a stone in weight. the 12 week scan was ok and i started showing quite a bump by 16 weeks when we first heard her heart beat. i was feeling flutters. on 15/3 was our 20 week scan and thats when we heard the worst news ever that there was no heart beat. i keep going over what had happenned as according to the measurements she had died at about 18weeks. Grace was medically induced and i gave birth to her on 17/3. she looked so perfect with her little hands and feet. her face was beautiful and i still cant help looking at her photos to remind me of her. the staff at the hospital was fantastic and my husband has been amazing.

It does hurt however that they call Grace a miscarriage and not stillborn as she was perfectly formed and i had to go through labour to deliver her. we had her cremation done and it was a beautifull service.

the guilt of not knowing why she died is extremely hard, all the tests on the placenta and bloods were normal.sometimes i think maybe i did something that caused this and i feel that i have failed in protecting my grace.

some of the worse things are what people say, "at least i have the other children". i miss my baby and at the moment there is a big hole where she should be.

i find it hard to talk about grace to family/friends as just thinking about her makes me cry.

my eldest daughter is 11 and she has really felt the loss of this baby and has so many question, we have answered her as truthfully as we can. however i am unsure wether to show her the pictures of grace or whether to bring her to the baby garden when we go to spread graces ashes, at 11 she is very mature for her age but is also very sensitive and this has really hit her hard.

[annbenoli]

Bless you, I lost a baby at 11 weeks and also have 3 beautiful children. Whilst I truly appreciate them it doesn't lesson the loss. You have to deal with your grief which includes the grief that it is their sibling that has been lost. My eldest was 8 at the time and didn't know anythng about it. In your position I would include your daughter, allow her to grieve. Be kind to yourself

[avaj]

Poor you, that is just awful. It is so hard to lose a baby, and after a happy scan it seems all the worse.

I have had 3 mmc, and my first one was at 17 weeks, but the baby had died just after the 12 week scan. I remember the guilt and pain of thinking that she had died all that time ago, and I hadn't known. All I can say is that in time it becomes less painful, and I can now talk about Brea with a few people without breaking down. There is no way you could have prevented this, or know sooner what had happened. Your body just carried on protecting her.

The fact that you have other children does not make it any easier, but I found that having other kids means you do have to carry on, and they were a very good distraction!

I think you should involve your DD, as she will need to grieve the loss of her sister. I think that the photos would maybe be too much for an 11 year old, but obviously you know your daughter best.

I agree that miscarriage is a crap word, and doesn't begin to sum up what you have been through. I always said that I had lost a baby, rather than had a mc.

Time will make things easier, but your Grace will always be part of you and your family. Take time to grieve and talk about her as much as you need to when you feel able.
Take care. x

[shakeyjake]

thanks for your replies and i am sorry for your losses, i have had a chat with my dd about Grace and she seems to be coping well, her teachers at school have also been talking with her and she has even wrote a lovely poem about grace which is beautifull and will be put with all of graces memories x

[excusethemess]

Hiya, I'm so sorry for your loss, I went through something similar.
I lost my baby, a little girl, at 16 weeks in November 2009. My daughter was 12 at the time and my son 10.
My son was really upset, cried, talked it through, asked questions, and eventually accepted it. Everything we expected really. He showed his grief and I thought he coped remarkably well.
My daughter bottled everything up to the point where I was really worried. She just carried on as normal. As if nothing happened.
I bought a necklace with the baby's birthstone on, and one day she commented that I had a new necklace. When I told her what it was for she broke down. I think she had been trying to be strong for me.
I told her that she could talk about the baby whenever she needed to and that it was okay to feel sad and cry. I kept a baby box with my scan photos, hospital notes, a teddy, an angel charm and the candle from the service. We spent an hour going through it, talking, answering questions.

My baby would have been 1 last week and is freely talked about within the walls of our house. I find other people feel uncomfortable when you say you have lost a baby, but she was part of our family. She always will be.

I think, I hope, we handled it right. You never forget, not ever. But the hurt lessens and you find you can talk without getting upset. It just takes time.

Take care x