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Ectopic pregnancy - not sure how to keep going

(13 Posts)
beannachd Sat 14-May-11 16:56:17

Hi everyone,

I suppose I'm on here just to try and understand how I'm feeling. Its all a bit new. A background about my situation is that in the 11/4 I found out I was pregnant after trying to concieve. It all happened so fast ( less than a month ). For some reason I didn;t take the news well. I was staring at a wall of utter fear. Not a day went passed when I didn't cry. All sorts of crying including hysterical. I considered a termination and did speak to a doctor about this - but deep down, I don't think I could have gone through with it. My boobs hurt, I couldn;t sleep comfortably. I could look at myself in a mirror, I was a mess. I do understand that people get scared and have the odd cry. But I honestly can;t find many people who were as bad as me.

Just when i thought I was getting used to the idea, had a long talk with a midwife etc. I woke up with terrible abdominal pains which transpired to be an eptopic pregnancy. I had to have surgery on the 23rd April and had my right fallopian tube taken out. Although I wasn;t happy about being pregnant, i do feel guilty that I've caused this. 10 years ago I fell in what i thought was love with a guy who was awful to me. He was verbally abusive and in the end, although I ended it with him. I was so low that I took an overdose. One of the things that happened duting the relationship is that I ended up with PID. The worst thing is that its only now I understand fully what that is...undetected STD. This information makes me feel sick. I had no idea what it was. I was diagnosed and given anti biotics. That's it.

Now I'm really struggling with everything. Firstly I'm angry at myself for being so stupid and naieve. I'm angry at the guy in question. I loved him, I didn;t deserve how I was treated, to be shouted at - even in public, critisised, put down the lot. He is now married and probably has his own children ( I may not be able to have any ) , he got away fine and I feel I'm still being punished.

With regards to the ectopic pregnancy, I don;t know if I still have pregnancy hormones going on. I don;t want to go out, I'm mostly miserable. I used to be sociable. Now I dread it. I cry over the most stupid things. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again.

I have a supportive partner which I am lucky to have. However I resent him everytime he has a beer or goes out. I upset him by saying that his life is one big party and he didn;t have to go through what I did. When I was in hospital, he was staying with friends and having dinner and drinks, listening to music and just talking. I did agree that it is wha he needed as he was really really upset about the ectopic. But I'm bitter about that as I was stuck fasting in hospital.

I just don;t know how to go forward. I sit in the flat and just watch TV when I'm not working. I just want to be back to how i was before. I just want to feel happy again.

batteryhen Sat 14-May-11 18:58:47

hello smile Firstly I am so sorry for your recent loss, miscarriages are a dreadful thing to go through. I have never had an ectopic but have had 2 miscarriages. With my first pregnancy I felt the way you did. I got pregnant so quickly I was horrified. I remember sobbing that my life was over. However, by thinking that I did not cause that miscarriage. Neither did you. Whatever your feelings were ( and they were natural feelings) you did NOT cause your miscarriage.

As for your PID, again not your fault. All you did was have sex with a man you loved. Apart from the fact he was and probably still is an arse, YOU did nothing wrong. Having an std is nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about.

Physically, you still have another tube, and one of my best friends is now pregnant after having an ectopic last year, so please don't give up hope xxx

As for your feelings towards your partner, these are normal. We lash out at the ones we love because we can.

I am a liitle worried as you sound so so sad. Not that this is abnormal - it's not, but have you thought about counselling? Sometimes it helps to talk to someone else about your feelings. Also the miscarriage association are worth a visit here

Continue to post on here too, other ladies will be along to reassure you and offer comfort xxx take carexxx

beannachd Sun 15-May-11 11:16:11

Thank you Battery. I feel better today. When I wrote that, I was having a low day. I did end up going out last night for the first time in ages, and it was fine.

I just didn;t expect to feel like this, which could maybe still be pregnancy hormones, I'm not too sure.

I have thought about councelling. Especially for the future as well as the past. I do want children, I just don;t know if I can handle feeling as bad as I did when I found out I was pregnant. I did try calling one number, but it was just an answering machine. I wasn;t sure if I could use a miscarriage organisation if I had an ectopic. I guess its all the same really.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

Bx

ThePFJ Fri 20-May-11 11:09:56

beannachd - I had my right fallopian tube removed about a year and a half ago after a spell of going in and out of the hospital and finally some extremely bad pains on my right side which prompted my doctor to call an ambulance.
Ever since then I have mc'd quite alot in the early weeks of pg but I remain hopeful I can get pregnant with a healthy baby one day.

I was pretty messed up after my fallopian tube was removed. The surgeon had left no notes after the exploratory surgery to say why it needed to be removed, no clues as to what may have occured. Was it something I took? Was it something that was wrong already? The after care nurses had the hospital could tell me nothing. All I knew was a really important part of me was lying in a hospital bin somewhere I could never get it back. After I was numb.. and glad to be alive.. (ectopics are so dangerous) I cried and cried and cried. It seemed to take ages for the last of the pg hormones to leave me.

My heart goes out to you sweetheart, it really does. I am so sorry.

They keep telling me I can still get pg, and I just need to relax. I know I must protect 'old lefty' (my left tube) and apparently your right ovary may 'pass its egg' over to the left tube for release when it has its turn.. although the science on this is very vague. So the docotrs tell me.

Over one year on, I forget most of the time there is a part of me missing, and I don't blame myself or anyone anymore.

I would love to talk to other women who have a tube missing. Do they have trouble getting pg? Do they get mc's? I just don't know enough I guess.

I hope my story has comforted you, as in, you aren't alone. And you are strong enough.

xxxGood Luck xxx

5VO1 Sun 22-May-11 16:32:23

Hi Beannachd - had ectopic, one tube and one ovary removed and had a further 5 children after that - no probs - ending with twins! No doubt ectopic is mega painful, worse than labour and I had 7 births with no pain relief, but there is def. light at the end of the tunnel.

soooobroody Sun 22-May-11 22:11:17

Hi i had an ectopic (left tube removed) on the 15th of may this year after 19mnth of trying i am struggling to get my head round whats happened also.I have had four previous preg with no probs at all but i am worried i may never have another baby .I found the ectopic trust website quite good

ThePFJ Sun 22-May-11 22:51:42

sooooobroody and 5V01 - I don't know if Beannachd is still here, and if you are.. don't be afraid to just spill anything you need to, its a really emotional thing to go through. But I wanted to say to 5V01 you have given me hope I may still get pregnant! Thank you. And sooooobroody I didn't know there was a trust - I will check that out. You girls are lovely. Thank you.

beannachd Mon 23-May-11 22:13:39

Hi everyone,

I'm still here, ands sorry for not keeping everyone up to date. At the moment I am up and down emotionally. I'm back at work, and one of my work collegues has been promoted in my abscence and making my life miserable. I started crying at work the other day and said to my boss it was still pregnancy hormones. He and my nasty work collegue said I shouldn;t have come back so soon. but what good is it going to do me sitting at home?

Today was awful. It started with my boyfriend and I going for lunch and I ordered Quesidillas. When they arrived they were so spicy i couldn;t eat them. I had to tell the waitress I couldn;t eat them, then started to panic about wasting all the food, and that was it. Ended up crying and crying, and getting hysterical about going back to work tomorrow and working with this bully.

I don;t know what to do. My boss is just a young guy who says its just 'banter'. But they get on really well and just seem to make fun of me. For example when I was learning food preparation and I had to use an industrial tin opener, I asked a stupid question about how to work it, and they both started laughing at me, and she said she was going to put it as her status update that I asked such a stupid question.

Then yesterday when my boyfriend ran his marathon, I went to watch with his mother and she snapped at me for every little thing. My scar from my operation hurts, its all tender and a bit sore. Today I just felt like ending it all.Sorry for just talking about me and no-one else, and sorry for being so depressing

twinklygem Tue 24-May-11 11:40:51

Im new to this and have ended up here for the same reasons as you - i need to make sense of what happened but cant - i returned to work yesterday after lsoing my baby at 12 weeks on the 7th April. I collapsed at work and almost lost my life - i am struggling to feel grateful. I feel sick sitting at my desk, i cant bear to look colleagues in the eye and sitting here feels like the last place i want to be.

I too feel like screaming one minute and stupid for feeling like screaming the next.

Im only 28 and just cant face the fact that the fallopian tube i have left is my only shot and if should happen again it'll all be gone and im terrified.

Ive needed so badly to talk to someone who has been through this because sympathetic hugs and 'at least you are here' just isnt what i need.

My opeeration site is still sore but i can cope with that - being lost in my head is not so easy.

5VO1 Wed 25-May-11 13:08:19

Sorry for your news Twinkley Gem. My ectopic was a long time ago and when I was living in Holland now but I was also near death apparently - the doc. said he had no idea how bad the internal bleeding was from my calm demeanour - DH had already complained about my swearing in pain so I was keeping my trap shut! What has your gynae said the next steps are? In my case sometime later I had a laparoscopy and a hysterosalpingogram (ink through tube) - in fact I had the proceedure and then discovered I was pregnant anyway - result now working in advertising in Covent Garden! For my next pregnancy I was on the fertility drug Clomid - I dont know if they still dish that one out - but anyway, fell pregnant very soon - all fine. Then after that another daughter, then 6 years after twin boys, no fertility drugs required and by then I was 41. I wonder if you have gone back to work too soon - stay calm and dont give up. The ectopic came in my case after 2 healthy births and the specialist at the time said I would probably never have any more, so that was him proved wrong. Don't worry about your colleagues a) fertility probs. relatively common - many will have experienced similar or known a close relative who has and b) only a moron would consider you with anything but the greatest sympathy.

cath100 Sat 04-Jun-11 18:42:21

wow, this is exactly what has happened to me. i am gutted. so sorry to hear your story.

beannachd Sat 04-Jun-11 21:20:08

well, things get worse. I just lost my job. I was still on probation and to cut a long story short, I had a customer who complained about me, and rather than giving me a warning or something, they sacked me. I don;t know how things can get any worse at the mo. I am in the middle of making an official complaint about my ex boss and how he treated me when I came back to work. He was making jokes about eggs and how I must hate eggs just now. sigh I know it seems as if I am feeling sorry for myself, but I don;t know how to bounce back from this. I'm afraid of the future and wonder what the hell I'm going to do now. I still wish I could sleep and never wake up - even if other people do go through worse things than this. I don't know how to stay strong sad

loopybear Sun 05-Jun-11 08:37:06

Please don't give yourself a hard time. I've had both a miscarriage and Ectopic pregnancies. After the surgery I was just greatful to be alive and didn't grieve any loss. 4 weeks after surgery I was physically ready to go back to work, emotionally I was in a void. Fortunately I work with lovely woman in a very supportive environment. I spent several hours shut in my office crying and doing nothing. THe second time i took 6 weeks off and had a phased return, so worked short days for 6 weeks and the difference was immense. I also had counselling which helped immensely. Go back to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling. If you have a pregnancy crisis centre near you they maybe able to offer you counselling. You have alot of issues to deal with from both pregnancy losses and your past relationship, so counselling will help. You may need to talk to your GP about whether you are depressed and need medical treatment for that too. I promise it does get better but it takes time x

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