Missed Miscarriage :(

[PrincessAllison]

Hello Everyone,

I have just joined today and thought I would share my story.......

We found out I was pregnant with our 7th child in November 2010 - we were thrilled. Had a few slightly not nice comments but its my body and we dearly love our children. Things were going well or so I thought. Had my 12 week scan booked and was so excited. When they scanned baby was too curled up for any measurments etc but other than that all was well and he looked perfect. They gave me another scan for 2 weeks after. Once in the scan room yet again baby was too curled for measurements again but he was kicking and very active, at one point he even looked like he was waving at us lol. The songographer mentioned that the fluid around baby wasnt good and there shouldve been more, she said once of the causes could be abnormality, she booked me a further appointment the following wednesday at fetal medicine. We werent too worried about any abnormality's as we had already discussed this and said what will be will be - it was still our baby no matter what.

The following wednesday (I was 15 weeks 4 days) we had another scan, again fluid was very reduced but this time they mentioned something with the brain, maybe water on the brain. Consultant booked me in for the next day to go to Kings College Hospital in London for a more indepth scan. On the journey up baby was kicking me and moving about. We had lunch and I remember thinking how odd that baby hadnt moved after I'd eaten. Anyway, after a 4 hour wait at KCH i was finally seen. The doc doing the scan was very quiet and quickly mentioned he was doing a scan on the head. I JUST KNEW! He stopped scanning me and turned and looked and said how very sorry he was but there is no heartbeat - I cannot express enough how right then and there my world ended. He went and got another doc who confirmed no fetal heart. Dont really remember much after except a lot of tears from me and hubby - how on earth we drove back from London I will never know. I know it was silent in the car.

The next day I had to go back to fetal medicine at my local hospital to discuss with the consultant the next steps. I remember sitting listening but I dont think it was going in. It was a day of tears and one last scan of our much wanted baby. I was given a pill and booked into Labour ward on the Sunday at 8am.

The next couple of days went in a blur, I wasnt ready to let my baby go, how i managed to go to hospital on the sunday morning i will never know. I cannot fault the staff and the care I received at all they were wonderful.

At 9.30 am I was given a pill (not orally) and thereafter every 3 hours until I give birth. Labour started at 12.30pm that day. The day went by in a major lot of pain, at 9.30 that night i was given the last pill before they have to let me rest for 12 hours and then they will start again. The following morning (31st Jan 2011) I was woken up by a lady next door giving birth, once awake my labour seemed to really kick in. At 07.40 I said to hubby I needed a wee, he took me to loo and then put me back to bed. At 07.50 I said i needed another wee, yet again he took me to the loo, at 07.55 after forcing out what i thought was a wee was in fact our baby, he was born complete in the sac. I went into total panic mode, screaming and crying.

About an hour later the midwife brought in our baby, he was perfect just perfect. We had a vicar bless him and then spent the next 4 hours with him.

I gave permission for baby to go to a London Hospital for a post mortem as I need to know what went wrong.

As I sit and write this Im waiting on a phone call from the hospital with answers and to be told our baby is back. Once I have this then I can arrange a funeral.

Well thats my story, I apologise for it being long but it has helped writing it down.

Thank you for listening xxxxxx

[3timesalady]

You poor thing. My heart goes out to you. Take faith that he is with others that have passed before us & you'll have him in your arms again when the time is right.

[Alibobster]

PrincessAllison, I have no words to say except I'm sorry and what a heartbreaking devastating thing to have to go through.

My last mmc my baby was only 8 weeks but I had seen a heartbeat and when I was told that that wee heart had stopped I too thought my world had ended, so I can't even begin to comprehend how it must have felt for you as you were much further on, and then to have to give birth.

I wish I could say something useful or comforting. I can only say i am here to listen if you need me xxx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you both for your kind words, I also had 2 complete miscarriages at 12 weeks and 8 weeks in 2004.

But thank you for taking the time to listen to me :) xxx

[Alibobster]

Dear Princes,s no-one can take away this dreadful pain but it can be a comfort, albeit small, to know that people have experienced the same, or similair, and are always here if you want to talk or rant or scream at the world. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing, Alison xxx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Alibobster, It is a comfort, its a shame that any one of us have had to go through this, had many insensitive remarks, I cant seem to shift this feeling of complete emptyness. I have reminders everyday, am still bleeding very heavily and last thursday (a week ago today) my milk came in :(

The waiting around for the hospital to ring me is horrendous.

Thank you again, I really do appreciate you taking the time to talk xx

[milkyway2007]

Your story has made me cry. I know that feeling when they turn around at look at you and tell you there is no heart beat. It's like the floor moves away from under you and youre just falling.

I am so sorry for what you have been through - nobody needs to hear insensitive remarks when you are carrying your child. I had snide remarks from family about how quickly I got pregnant with my daughter after my marriage - and now 3 years later, I have had 4 miscarriages. Sometimes I think people get jealous and it jynxes you - that's all I can think of sometimes.

You are such a strong person to deal with this, and so strong for writing it down and sharing with all. I hope you and your husband remain strong throughout this horrible time and be there for each other. No woman deserves to go through a terrible thing like this.

Thank You for sharing your story - I really hope it helps you heal xx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Milkyway2007, Im not a strong person, everyday i say the same thing to everyone I see which is "I'm fine thank you" - thing is im not, I feel empty and although I have a fab husband and fab family and friends i feel so alone :(

My heart is breaking, to walk out of that hospital last monday without a baby in my arms was indescribable, by the time i was in the car I was a wreck.

xxxxx

[Penel]

Princess Allison, I too am reading this with tears falling on keyboard. We lost our much loved son at 14.5 weeks a year ago and it is the hardest thing in the world to go through. We found out a week earlier that he was very poorly and wasn't going to survive, so had some warning, but it is just so so hard. I was induced on 23 December and Christmas 2009 was just a blur. We have just lost our second baby at 8 weeks a week ago and feel totally empty now, but being induced with our first baby and seeing our gorgeous son was more than we could bear. I too am here to listen to you when you want to want to talk about things. We had a couple of joint counselling sessions about 4 months afterwards (we weren't ready for it immediately) and they really did help. I also started keeping a diary of my feelings and that helped too. I look back on the dark, dark days I had and know I have come a long way and somehow that gives me comfort that I have been able to function again and know with time I will learn to live my life again after the loss of our second child. Just cry, scream, rant and go silent as much as you need to. We will all support you as much as we can xxx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Penel for your kind words. Its sad though isnt it that its all too common, at the time you think your the only one in the world to go through this. Im so so sorry for everyones loss I really am and my heart goes out to all of you.

Counselling has been mentioned but if im honest I dont think im ready for it, I just feel that right now each day that arrives is getting darker. I feel that I just cant move on, it makes me feel guilty, my life goes on but Mason (thats what we called him) doesnt, do you know what I mean?

[Penel]

Totally get what you mean and we weren't ready for counselling for months afterwards. The pain was just too acute to talk rationally about it. We decided we needed counselling when we were ready to move forward, not look backwards and right now you need to focus on here and now. Each day you get up, shower, eat and drink is all you will probably be able to cope with right now. We had the funeral a month afterwards and that was the right time for us. The hospital arranged funerals at the end of each month, but with Christmas meant there wasn't one until the end of January. Just grieve for Mason and function in the only way you can and don't worry about other people's feelings. They will cope in their own way. We are all here for you xxx

[PrincessAllison]

Rang the hospital today and still no news on when Mason will be back, they are saying maybe the middle of next week now :(

Been out today and brought him a blanket to go in his coffin and also some funeral invites. Am just trying to keep busy, otherwise i find myself sitting here just thinking thinking and thinking :( xxxxx

[Collie2]

Princess your story is so so sad i too have welled up with tears. I mc in dec and found out at our 12 week scan which was hard enough so I just can't comprehend the pain and sorrow you must be feeling.

I just wanted to post as i couldn't read your story and not. I know you probably don't feel or think your are being strong, but i think thats exactly what you are. Amazingly brave. You are getting through the days and doing what you need to, to get to the next.

I hope you get Mason back soon and can plan a service for him.

Lots of love to you and your family. xx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Collie2 thats really kind of you, Im sorry you too had to go through this, it doesnt matter what stage you are its still the same hun no matter what.

I really dont think im strong at all i just feel like im going with the motions if you know what i mean, each day seems to drag into the next. My every waking moment is of Mason, he is the last thing i think about before I go to sleep and the first thing i think about when i wake.

I remember waking up the next morning (Tues 1st Feb) thinking it had all been some sort of a nightmare i really did - then reality hit. xxx

[pigletmania]

This is so my thoughts and best wishes are with you Princessxx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Pigletmania, having another bad day today, keep thinking back to what i was doing 2 weeks ago today :( I was in labour :(

[pigletmania]

Awwww bless you Princess , I went to soft play today with my dd and the sight of pg women really upset me inside, I would never make it overtly clear though. I had 2 MC early in my pregnancy that was hard, how do I put this without sounding insensitive, I would personally rather have another early MC, than go through the heartache of having a stillbirth, fully formed baby, and having to give birth and bury him/her.

[pigletmania]

That would break me, you are so strong Princessxx

[PrincessAllison]

your not being insensistive at all, and like i said im not strong at all, I have to put on a brave face everyday, but inside im dying, no one knows :( xxxxxx

[justmee]

reading your story made me cry

every second every minute of every day theres a little reminder of how happy you were only a few weeks ago no matter how hard u try to stay strong you always crumble and it feels like noone understands i can tell you in time it gets better i do know that with all my mc i tried to keep myself busy and was scared of being alone and when i was id crawl in a ball and cry for hours i felt noone understood what i was going through but with the help of mumsnet i got there without this site i dont know what i would have done there are so many woman who do know what your feeling coz theyve been there and they really do help you

i really wish you all the best and hope that your looking after yourself and lots of tlc

xxxxxx

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you Justmee, you are so right in what you say, thats exactly how I feel. Wish i could just lock myself away but i cant, everyday I put on a brave face and smile and constantly say yes im ok thanks, I just feel broken and lost xx

[PrincessAllison]

Omg am having a really bad day, just burst into tears cos i had to clean my kitchen up!!! FFS I sound like a right moaner! :(

[PrincessAllison]

Well finally we got the call from the hospital to say baby was back. They wouldnt give us any details of the post mortem except to say that baby was a little girl.

We have called her Mayson.

I have an appointment on 17th March to go and see the consultant who will talk through the post mortem results with us. In the meantime we will be arranging her funeral :( xxx

[sunshineandshowers13]

Princess Allison, have just read your messages and cant leave without saying my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you have folk who can carry you and support you and who will allow you to cope as you feel you need to and in your own time.

[PrincessAllison]

Thank you so much, I do have a good support network around me number 1 being my husband. Thank you for your comments xx

[lovelygrace]

First post on here and just want to sympathise with such sad stories. I had a MMC at 11 weeks. The heart had stopped beating 5 weeks before, just after I had had a scan showing all fine and a heart beating. That image of the baby's heart beating is still with me and the photo in my bottom drawer. Feel I should throw it away but can't face it. It was to be my first and i feel like all my dreams have been shattered as I had already imagined my life as a mum and keep thinking about what stage of pregnancy I would be at now. Don't enjoy my job either which doesn't help. Am now nearly 3 months on and still think about it all the time. I have been using ovulation sticks and am sure we timed everything perfectly this month so hoping for a positive pregnancy test next week.