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Please would you mind me asking a question?

(12 Posts)
pookamoo Mon 10-Jan-11 16:23:16

Hello,
I wonder if any of you could help me answer a question.

A good friend of mine very, very sadly lost her baby last week at 36 weeks. She had a beautiful birth and the baby (a girl) was totally perfect and they were able to say goodbye to her. They are arranging a funeral for her.

I feel devastated for the family, and she has asked us to go to see them. My DD and her DD2 are the same age.

I have (obviously) been thinking a lot about this, and something that makes me so sad is the idea that the baby won't have had any of the "welcome" that is usually associated with birth. I am wondering about taking a very tiny teddy (like finger puppet size, so very small) or something as a token when I go to see her, as I feel so sad that this little one came and went without any presents.

Would it be insensitive? I want to be there for my friend and I don't want to upset her even more, it's just something I couldn't get out of my head while watching my own DD with her beloved teddy bear yesterday.

Thank you for your thoughts.

ragged Mon 10-Jan-11 16:51:36

I have a gut feeling that it's probably not best, although I'm not sure I can explain why. For some women it would be too much of a reminder of what should have been, I guess.

You could ask to see any photos or other mementos they have, and otherwise let her know that you will never mind her wanting to talk about it. She will need to talk about it, perhaps for years to come. On the anniversary of the birth, sending a card in the next few years to come to say that you remember her loss could be helpful, too. Those kinds of support are irreplaceable.

hairyfairylights Mon 10-Jan-11 19:22:11

I wouldn't recommend it. It feels in my gut that it would be insensitive.

Just take yourself and, be a shoulder to cry on.

spilttheteaagain Mon 10-Jan-11 19:42:53

My gut says yes I would have liked this.

Maybe take it but in your bag and see if it feels right when you are there? If it doesn't you can just keep it hidden and take it home with you?

LunaticFringe Mon 10-Jan-11 21:54:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kileyrs Tue 11-Jan-11 02:41:01

Pookamoo, I would say thats such a very very sweet thought and I think you should do it. Theres nothing insensitive about it in my opinion. I think she will appreciate your very sweet gesture.It shows how great of a person you are and i think she will see that(if she doesnt already!) I know i have never gone through this(but have thru 5 miscarriages at 6wks & no children) but I strongly feel that your friend will be so thankful to have a friend with such a warm heart . Prayers and thoughts go out to your friend , I cant imagine =(

CheeseandGherkins Tue 11-Jan-11 03:04:43

I think that would be lovely personally. We lost our little girl at 37 weeks, 5 weeks ago now. We also had a funeral for her and put a teddy in the coffin with her. We also had the children draw some pictures to put in with her too and we each wrote a letter, we've kept copies of things too. You being there for her will be amazing, I've had so much support in real life and on here and it's helped immensely, I really can't say how much.

pookamoo Tue 11-Jan-11 18:34:48

Thank you everyone for your honest answers. My heart goes out to you all with your sad losses.
I went to see my friend today, and I actually just asked her - I told her the thinking behind it, and said that I just felt sad that her DD hadn't had any welcome presents, or had a blanket made for her.
Well, my amazing, brave, friend told me that in the 4 hours she had between the scan and when she went to the hospital, she had made a quilt for the baby to take with her. She had also made a little toy for the baby. We shared a little tear over it, and I know she didn't mind me asking, so thank you all for your advice.

Darnsarfupnorf Tue 11-Jan-11 18:39:58

thats so lovely, i hope everyone who has something so horrible happen to then has someone like you around them x

Secretwishescometrue Tue 11-Jan-11 19:12:11

You sound like a lovely lovely friend to have! What she is going through is unthinkable heartache, take care of her... Cheeseandgurkins I'm so very very sorry

Secretwishescometrue Tue 11-Jan-11 19:12:57

You sound like a lovely lovely friend to have! What she is going through is unthinkable heartache, take care of her... Cheeseandgurkins I'm so very very sorry

Secretwishescometrue Tue 11-Jan-11 19:13:37

You sound like a lovely lovely friend to have! What she is going through is unthinkable heartache, take care of her... Cheeseandgurkins I'm so very very sorry

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