So it's 10pm on Christmas Eve and I've no idea whether there's anyone out there but I need to write something to someone. I'm sat in bed with the laptop at my (late) Mum's house, in pain and bleeding.
I am/was 9 weeks pregnant and last weekend noticed a small amount of blood when I went to the toilet and started to experience cramps. I went for a scan on Monday and was told that the embryo had only developed to 5-6 weeks and that while there was a heartbeat it was very slow. They told me I was at a very high risk of miscarriage and that there was nothing I could do except make an appointment for another scan after Christmas.
I went home feeling pretty devastated. The cramps continued but I didn't bleed too much more for the next couple of days and so a small part of my mind had a wild hope that somehow things would be OK. I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't be and I've felt a lot of grief since Monday.
I was already pretty nervous about Christmas as my Mum died in October and I'm only really just getting over that. My husband and I had arranged to spend Christmas with my Mum's partner as otherwise he would be by himself for his first Christmas without Mum. I wasn't too keen on leaving my own home but felt it was too late to change our plans so we travelled up from London to the West Midlands this morning.
Any last hope was finally extinguished in the glorious setting of Corley services where I passed a whole load of blood and clots. Not very pleasant I can tell you. I'm now at my Mum's house and feeling pretty desperate - I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain like this. I'm scared by just how low I feel - I can't seem to control my emotions and I can't imagine ever recovering from this.
I can see from all the other posts that it gets better with time but right now I feel very alone. If anyone's reading this do send me a note if you can! I'm dreading Christmas Day - we're supposed to be going to my Dad's house to spend the day with my brother and his pregnant wife and kids. They all know what's happened and are being very sweet but I don't think I can sit around pretending that everything's OK any more. Perhaps we should just go back to the comfort of our own home...?
DH being wonderful thank goodness. Don't know what I'd do if he wasn't with me.
Sorry for such a sad post at what should be a happy time...hope Christmas is going OK for others.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Miscarriage on Christmas Eve
36 replies
cblondon · 24/12/2010 22:23
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