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Counsellor just undermined MCs

(27 Posts)
KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 10:30:07

I am so cross.

I have just had a conversation with a counsellor and he undermined my depression post MC, telling me that we needed to get to the root of the problem. I told him the root of the problem was the MC, he then said I was taking it out of proportion! What, I am sad because I have had 2 MCs, that I am not currently 6 months pregnant, that I have just had my first proper cycle post MC and it reminded me of everything?

God I am so fucked off, this was just after I had told him that our society does not understand the grief people experience post a MC and expects us to just forget it a couple of weeks down the line. I wished I had asked him whether he would have said the same to someone who's parent had just died?

He has just made me feel a hell of a lot worse and now I am dreading our next chat which is the same day that I am going to the MC clinic.

Moan over smile

GandalfyCarawak Fri 10-Dec-10 10:33:00

What a prick. Are you going again? I'd rehearse a good speech about how it isn't his job as a counsellor to devalue your experiences.


ClaireDeLoon Fri 10-Dec-10 10:38:34

What a knob. Exactly what gandalf says about telling him not to dismiss what you have gone through.

Depression after mc is very real and it is not taking a miscarriage 'out of proportion'. Very sad for you to have to deal with this on top of your losses. Can you change counsellor?

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 10:50:28

Thank you both.

I have just sent him an email telling him that I do not require his services any longer.

I am going to go to someone with the relevant experience, I just need someone to talk to about it so I can get it all out once a week and then I don't have to stew the rest of the time.

ClaireDeLoon Fri 10-Dec-10 10:52:21

That sounds a good idea - maybe the miscarriage association will be able to recommend someone with a better understanding?

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 11:00:29

The NHS have found me a women's health counselor so we will see how that goes.

GandalfyCarawak Fri 10-Dec-10 11:07:36

If I were you KT, I'd find some leaflets on coping after mc and send them over to his office with a letter. I have been fuming on your behalf since reading this OP (and I have no personal experience of mc so I'm not projecting) and can't believe someone with such little regard for your feelings can be in that job.

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 11:18:19

Thank you for getting cross on my behalf. I cried to my DH and my Dad, both were really cross too.

Luckily I have read a book on MC by the top Consultant in the country so I know what I am feeling is normal.

I was going to send a cross email with all my thoughts on about how patronising and inappropriate he was and then I thought no, I have not got the energy to get into this, I just want out.

But I agree he should not be in his job, well not dealing with MCs anyway.

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 11:19:17

Actually I just want to really thank you both for taking the time to get back to me, it has made me feel a hundred times better smile

bluecardi Fri 10-Dec-10 11:21:20

How awful for you ktdace - what a terrible counsellor. Agree on getting info sent to him. Is there any prefessional association you could report him to?

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 11:28:04

My mum agrees with you guys that I need to raise this with his superiors. I guess I am worried that they are all counselors and will deem me crazy grin

TheButterflyEffect Fri 10-Dec-10 11:38:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 13:20:41

I have taken everyone's advice and have emailed him a link to a relevant leaflet from the Miscarriage Association.

thebutterflyeffect - thank you for your insight, I do need to take it to the governing body. I think the problem is it is computer based CBT with weekly phone calls, so I am sure it is relevant for people who suffer from general anxiety, but perhaps not for me. There are weekly projects, I did ask how they were relevant to me but didn't understand the response despite him repeating a couple of times.

Anyway, I shall keep fingers crossed that the next person I see understands what I am going through.

hairyfairylights Fri 10-Dec-10 14:24:35

He sounds like a crap counsellor. Glad you have sacked him!

No-one should ever undermine what a MC does to you. As well as the natural loss and grieving, there are all the 'what ifs' around it.

Hope you get sorted with someone new soon

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 14:50:52

hairy - thank you

mermaidspurse Fri 10-Dec-10 15:34:49

gasp, you poor woman for having to hear such nuggets of his pearly wisdom.

There are some good councellors out there, mine was through the drs and she was great.

KTDace Fri 10-Dec-10 17:37:52

Complaint to the IAPT now submitted too.

MummyBellsAllTheWay Sat 11-Dec-10 00:39:52

What a total arsehole! (I have sufferd mc and I am projecting!)

So glad you found the strength and courage to complaing KT. I think you have been treated outrageously, I could totally understand if you just wanted to stop seeing this person and leave it at that, so well done for complaining, hopefully you will open his eyes and prevent him inflicting damage on other women in the future.

Hope you get the support you need from a good counsellor. xxx

PotPourri Sat 11-Dec-10 00:43:41

Terrible story. Good for you standing up for yourself and saying the thing about someone losing a parent. And for telling him to bugger off. Is there a professional body you can complain to him about? If so, you should. Idiot!

Hope you get some help soon to feel more at peace. I'm so sorry for your losses btw

KTDace Sat 11-Dec-10 08:14:03

Bizarrely I feel really energised this morning having had a really bad week of feeling low. Am pleased that I complained - thank you everyone.

AlistairSim Sat 11-Dec-10 08:26:32


I'm a counsellor and I have had mc's.

Can't imagine ever saying anything so cruel, thoughtless and plain wrong to a client.

Glad you complained, OP.

OctaviaOstrichJollster Sat 11-Dec-10 09:39:03

Just read this and am angry and shock on your behalf.

Agree with what has already been posted.

Good luck with your recovery.

cupoftea123 Wed 15-Dec-10 18:48:32

Dear KT, I wanted to recommend the organisation UKCP (uk counselling and psychotherapy) they have registered professionals with the highest quality training and supervision and years of their own personal therapy. If you are able to talk to someone who's registered with them i hope you can get the support you are looking for. X

cupoftea123 Wed 15-Dec-10 19:00:49

ps computerised cbt does not sound like something i would take to easily, it sounds like cost cutting. Cbt is quite directive from what i know not giving you enough space to go at your own pace. Hope you find what you're looking for x

wewishyouamerrylissiemas Wed 15-Dec-10 19:07:04

shocking. you may also want to tell him that depression after mc is in a very real way simillar to PND. the trigger is still hormonal upheaval, a massive drop in progesterone (iirc) and endorphins (produced by your body to over-ride the pain) then add into the mix grief for a loss of a life that you should have had.

and then complain to his superiors.

fuckinghell, out of proportion my arse.

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