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approaching due date. Advice

(8 Posts)
Tuzz Sat 27-Nov-10 14:03:49

Has anybody got any advice on what to do?

I had a miscarriage in May. I haven't discussed it with my partner in weeks. He's just happy that I'm physically and mentally stronger now.
However as the end of December, my due date, approaches I feel the grief coming back. I have cried my self to sleep on a number of night recently. When I think about it I connect with the grief like it only happened yesterday. Christmas seems like it will have a black cloud, I should be giving birth then. I was with my sisters recently and reminded them christmas is also my due date. They just fell silent. It seems nobody wants to talk about something so sad. I don't want to overshadow a family celebration but all I can imagine is that for me christmas will be sad not to be welcoming a new member to the family.
What ever the due date may be have been how do you get through that time?
Do you think about it or keep busy and distracted?

carocaro Sat 27-Nov-10 22:17:49

I think a bit of both really. Maybe talking about it sooner rather than later with your partner would be a good idea.

I had 2 m/c inbetween my two children and the second one was a 3 months, we barley talked about it until a few months later when we just happened to flick over the TV and someone was talking about m/c, then DH started to cry and we both talked about it. We also decided to so something to mark the due date, bizzarly it was something we copied of Desperate Housewive, were Gabby had a m/c and she let of a bunch of helium balloons into the sky. So we did this together at a local national trust woodland; I felt glad on the day and it was a turning point for the sadness.

It is so sad and I can really understand why you have had some tearfull nights recently. I went to my older son's nativity a week after my 2nd m/c and as soon as they started to sing Little Donkey I could not stop crying, it lasted all night long.

You have to get the grief out and tears out, it's important not to dismiss it. When people ask me how many children I have I say 2 and I think 4 because of the 2 m/c.

Try and look to the future and enjoy the warmth and love of your family. x

jellyhead188 Sat 27-Nov-10 23:17:55

its really hard, my friend gave birth today and I was due 6 weeks after her, so it made me feel sad that my baby won't be born. I've had 3 m/c, the first one was the hardest, my DH didn't get it really, some men don't - he just felt like it was a line on a stick that never developed, I felt like it was a baby who died, the grief is very real, you have to give yourself time to grieve, to be sad about what could have been, I found it really really helped to talk to others who'd had m/c as well, as those who haven't just don't really get it.

I do know how you feel, you just have to give it time really.

big hugs to you xxx

PrettyCandles Sat 27-Nov-10 23:34:02

I found it hugely comforting when a friend asked me how I was, a few months after my mc. People often don't want to talk about death, especially to the bereaved person. But talking and ackowledging helps the griever. Perhaps you could talk with your family now, or talk with your dp and explain, and ask him to explain to your family, too, that you still feel sad about the mc, that you don't want it to overshadow Christmas but that it will if people pretend it didn't happen. They don't need to 'make it better', just to listen and acknowledge.

emptyshell Sun 28-Nov-10 14:32:03

My first due date's January - it's casting a shadow all over Christmas. I think it'll be easier than the second one... I'll be a new auntie by then and unable to avoid the reminders that IT SHOULD FUCKING WELL BE ME!!!

Don't know how I'm going to cope - probably alcohol, chocolate and duvet.

CuppaTeaJanice Sun 28-Nov-10 18:12:46

It wouldn't be right to just ignore it, but you need to try to retain the happiness of Christmas overall or the whole season will be tainted for years to come. Our local hospice has a 'Tree of Light' where you can put the name of a loved one you have lost on a decoration on a beautiful Christmas tree in the town centre - would something along those lines be of any comfort to you? If you can build something like this into your family's Christmas traditions then you can give yourselves time to remember and grieve without Christmas becoming a sad time that you dread each year.

May would have been my due date - I haven't even thought about that yet.

MummyBellsAllTheWay Wed 01-Dec-10 12:09:09

I found that the weeks leading up to the day were worse than the day itself, in fact that I would even go so far as to say that I felt better after the due date, sort of like it was the end of my grieving period.

On the day itself I lit a candle and made an announcement on facebook.

Be very kind to yourself and give yourself some extra treats, its now that you need the extra support, I hope you feel better by the time christmas comes xxxx

littlewish Wed 01-Dec-10 14:33:22

I agree that thinking about it in the weeks leading up to it were worse than the actual day. Lots of tears again and very sad feelings.

My due date fell on Rememberance Sunday this year, which is quite a sad day anyway. I was glad it was a Sunday and we were at home together.

I lost my baby at 20 weeks back in July. DH bought me flowers and we had a long chat on the sofa in the evening. I too have begun to feel more ok since the day has passed.

Nobody else mentioned it to me. Everyone is afraid of bringing it all back, and seeing me cry again. Why does miscarriage have to be so hard to discuss in RL? sad

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