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dwelling on it?

(6 Posts)
annbenoli Wed 24-Nov-10 12:41:51

I had a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks. This week I would have been 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned although was very much wanted by me dh had to be persuaded. Now I realise it would have been very hard coping with number four and we will not be trying again. But that doesn't mean I don't long for the baby i have lost. Dh just feels relief i think. I keep crying and just want some suppport how do i either make him understand or if not how do i cope with it? He just thinks i am making it worse by dwelling on it.

Mamafoof Wed 24-Nov-10 13:55:21

Hi honey - I am really sorry that you are going through this. It is understandable that you are going to be grieving for your baby and what could have been. I guess men can sometimes be different and try to cope by not thinking about it whereas women tend to need to think about it before moving on, almost just to acknowledge that you did have a beautiful baby. Can you sit down and talk to your dh and say how much it is affecting you? Or if not, could you see your gp for referrals to a counsellor to deal with this loss and help you to move on? It's normal to always think of your loss so don't worry that you are still upset but you need some support to get you through this difficult time. Alternatively, the forums here are a source of great support for those going through the same thing. I had a MC a week ago today. It's still very fresh in my mind but I know that I will always feel the loss no matter what the future holds. It's just the way we deal with those feelings which matters.

Wish you all the best smile and take care x

annbenoli Wed 24-Nov-10 14:48:15

thank you mamafoof it means so much just to have the loss acknowledged. Take care of yourself. How far along were you?

Debs3013 Wed 24-Nov-10 14:50:06

Hi Annbe

I am so sorry you find yourself on this forum, it really is every woman's nightmare isn't it?

I'm further along the road than you - I lost my boy at 16/17 weeks 5 months ago now. I can tell you that dwelling is totally understandable and acceptable. I can honestly say that there was nothing else in my head for the last 5 months but I am now starting to move on a little. My husband on the other hand is finding it very hard now (I would have been due on Saturday)and I really do believe it's because he took the 'mans way' of not thinking about it, not dwelling etc. so hasn't processed his grief properly.

Grief is a very personal thing and I don't think you can really make people understand, only you understand how you feel. I truly believe that you must go with whatever you are feeling at the time, your body/mind whatever knows what it needs to do to get itself through this (that sounds a bit weird but I hope you know what I mean)

I personally found it very hard as people didn't acknowledge what had happened, nothing was really said by anyone - I know it's because people just have no idea what to say but it made me want to scream.

The thing I found very helpful was writing everything down - I have Book (yes I actually have named him Book) and I write everything down that I'm feeling in Book. If anyone read it, they'd think I was complete fruitcake but I find it a very effective way of spewing all the crap that's in my head without anyone having to think I'm a nutter or burden anyone with my thoughts. The great thing about Book is he never feels the need to give me an opinion, I can say anything to Book and it's unburdened me and it never gets brought up again - nothing worse than people remembering the nutty things you've said in the past blush

Okay so I have now written on a public forum that I'm a nutter who talks to a book but I really would highly reccommend it - I've been in some very dark places over the last few months and I found it really, really helped to just unload it on a page - to the point that I do feel I am starting to move on.

Never feel guilty for 'dwelling' you've been through something horrendous that unless they've been there, people have no idea what it does to you.

Be kind to yourself, take care and if you need to cry, thump pillows or whatever then do it!

Anyway 'Nutter' is going to stop waffling now and hey maybe I'll go and talk to 'Book' smile

catinthehat2 Wed 24-Nov-10 14:51:36

So the MC was 9.5 weeks ago. Not 9.5 years ago.

You really have to give yourself a break - it is not "dwelling on it" in any way to cry your eyes out and feel sad. And that goes for the menfolk too.

I shouldn't think your hormones are even straight yet, no wonder you are all over the place.

Please, give yourself permission to feel bad about it for some time yet. Then WHEN YOU FEEL READY and not before, maybe think about doing something to commemorate the little soul if that makes you feel better. Or do something else - your m/c, your choice.

It's rotten isn't it sad

Mamafoof Wed 24-Nov-10 14:55:57

Hi annbenoli. Yes acknowledgement is so important and is such a simple thing - if only people understood how much it means to us. I was 5+ weeks so not as far as you but it still hurt very much as you are grieving for what could have been and I got a bit carried away with the planning etc.

Debs3013 - you are not a "nutter" at all. What you have said makes perfect sense and may even get a "Book" of my own.

Take care ladies smile

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