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Miscarried not knowing I was pregnant.

(20 Posts)
hotnspicyonions Wed 24-Nov-10 11:12:03

Not sure where to start on this one, although from the subject you can get the gist of it. I miscarried on Friday and here is the story that goes with it! I also don't know what I'll gain from telling all this, but sometimes it's easier to put it down on paper. Having read some of the threads on here I know my story is no where near as sad as what some of you are going through.

I had my coil removed in August 09, in preparation of starting for child no. 2. Left it for a month to ascertain my cycle (had Mirena so practically no bleed). All was ok until October 09, when I started having long and heavy periods. Blood tests revealed I had an overactive thyroid, so was advised to stop trying for a baby until my thyroid was under control, which would probably take about 18 months. Went on the pill short term, so no periods again. With medication the thyroid went underactive, so came off the meds and my thyroid remained level in June. Hooray, we can start trying again, and sooner than we had thought. Stopped taking pill immediately. For a month or 2 all was ok with my cycle, but then the prolonged heavy periods started again. My GP gave me Norethisterone back in October, which did stop the bleeding. Took a week to get a withdrawal bleed, which for the first 2 weeks was very light, then was very heavy with clots. Went back to GP and she gave me it again, sent me for blood teast and referred me for a pelvic scan. This time the Norethisterone didn't stop the bleeding, just made it a bit lighter for 7 days, then on the 8th day came the flooding, more clots and excrutiating abdominal pain. After a few hours of putting up with it, took myself to A&E (very emotional) who told me I should have gone to my GP and they would have referred me to Gynae. But was taken up to the Gynae ward, and given an internal. Told all was ok and sometimes women just bleed heavily with no reason. That is when the nurse came in to say the tiny sample I had managed to give them had turned out positive!!!

If you're still reading this and you've made it this far, thank you for bearing with me!! Obviosly I had a lot more to say than I first realised when I started writing this thread.

So as you can imagine DP and myself (and to be fair I think the Gynae Dr.) were in shock! It hadn't previously crossed my mind as I had had so much bleeding. Looking back there were some signs, over emotional and certain smells making me want to heave. And I have a bit of a history with not knowing I'm pregnant! (Found out when I was 4 months with DS, another long story, which I won't bore you with now!)

So second reaction (after the shock) was well I must be miscarrying and as we didn't know we were pregnant, it was ok. You can't miss something you didn't know you had.

But now the emotional stuff is starting to kick in. And I don't know what to think. It's a hard one for me, because Im always the strong one. Especially amongst all my friends and family. I know they are all there to support me whenever I need them, but sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers about these things.

I also lost my Dad last year to cancer, and my Aunty (Dad's sister) the year before. I'd like a loss free year next please hmm

spilttheteaagain Wed 24-Nov-10 11:37:13

so sorry to hear what's happened to you hotnspicy. What a terrible shock that must have been to a) be pregnant and b) lose the baby all in a day sad. I'm not surprised you are finding it so hard to deal with.

Do you know roughly how many weeks you were?

Do you want to talk about how you are feeling?

Lots of hugs xx

knackered76 Wed 24-Nov-10 12:12:07

So sorry you're going through this Although you say you can't miss what you didn't know you had I think in your case you can. You were planning on trying for a second so this baby would have been very much wanted if you had known about it. The fact that you found out when you were miscarrying makes it no less sad for you. You have a right to grieve for what you have lost, even though you only knew about it for a short time. You've also had a rough time in the past couple of years, be kind to yourself.

hotnspicyonions Wed 24-Nov-10 12:26:22

Thanks for your replies. Just talking on here is helping and the tears are flowing for the first time since it all happened. I was crying a lot Friday afternoon before I knew. Probably because I was with my Mum and they tend to have that effect on you when something's not quite right!

Spiltthetea from my dates (have been keeping track of all events on an app on my phone) we think I must have been around 5 weeks. So there is also the guilt factor added in as I have been drinking still because I didn't know. Although having said that I was a holiday rep when I fell for DS and didn't know for 4 months (and he wasn't affected, just has a fondness for pink drinks!) They say they don't want to scan me as it was an early one, although if I do a test next Friday and it's still + then there may be some complications. After speaking with the early pregnancy nurse for the second time I feel a bit better, but there will always be thay big WHY hanging there, to which nobody can answer!

spilttheteaagain Wed 24-Nov-10 21:01:21

The unanswerable questions are really hard to live with aren't they? So much we'll always wonder about our missing children.

If you're anything like me hearing this won't make any difference, but you mustn't feel guilty about lifestyle factors like drinking. At 5 weeks the baby was taking hardly anything from you, no placenta yet either so was almost certainly not a factor.

Be gentle with yourself. Can you take some time out of life to process all this?

hotnspicyonions Wed 24-Nov-10 21:19:30

Hey spilt! I'm at home on my own at the mo, DS in bed and OH at darts. Which is a good job beause I'm in floods of tears reading your experience back in October. It always amazes me, the sheer willpower we have to just keep going. After all you've been through, you're still making sure others are ok. It's reassuring to know that even complete strangers look out for each other on here. I really love that (although OH may ban me when he comes in and see's the state I'm in!) And I think you are so brave to tell your story with such honesty. I'm sure you have helped plenty of women get through the most traumatic of experiences. You are an inspiration.

I'm taking some time out, didn't go to work last night (only work part time in a pub), but not being myself would have been noticable and didn't particularly feel strong enough to answer the question "What's up? you're not your normal self!" Breaking down in front of the mens dart team didn't seem like my idea of fun...

DS is at school so I've been doing less and less around the house (OH says what's new there then?) but haven't felt up to it over the last few weeks and now know why!

How are you doing now spilt? Has the coping got any easier? Thanks for being there xx

spilttheteaagain Wed 24-Nov-10 21:41:06

oh you are so sweet ((hug)) I am no hero, honestly. I had a complete collapse yesterday and poured my guts out about it on the late MC thread on here this morning. So sorry my story has upset you so much. Truly the actual day of having my baby was ok and I do look back on it fondly (weird as that may sound) as it was the only day I will ever have to hold that child. It's not a big bad memory in that sense. It's all the hell that's come since, all the grief and pain that has been so hard.

Actually I find that talking to people just starting out on this and trying to help/support gives me a but of a purpose. I hope that doesn't sound awful and heartless. In some way it helps to make my baby's life less wasted if Bobbie's existence means I am better able to offer comfort to someone else??

A very good call to not work last night - especially in a pub environment where everyone else is having fun/socialising. That would have been tough. If you think it would make it easier can you text/email your workmates to let them know what's happened? Often people are a bit useless and don't know what to say but generally they try and do care, and the understanding might be helpful?

Also something to consider perhaps is seeing your GP to talk through what has happened and if you want it, ask for a sick note for a couple of weeks to take the work pressure off. Physically you must be very drained and tired too so a good rest would probably help your body recover.

It's a hard and crappy thing to have to live through and I hope your family are being supportive. Post on here as much as you need too, people will always listen x

hotnspicyonions Wed 24-Nov-10 21:50:50

Spilt Never be sorry at sharing your story. It's just heartbreaking reading it, knowing that someone has gone to hell and back and yet still feels able to share this experience with the world. Believe me you are a hero, and even if just one person reads your story and can relate, share and talk about their own experience, some good has come out of the most tragic of experiences. You will always have a purpose, your experience is still so raw and yet here you are helping me through it (and I had an early MC and didn't go through anything like you did). I think you should definitely seek some counselling, maybe you could retrain as a counsellor, I think you'd be great!

spilttheteaagain Wed 24-Nov-10 21:54:49

I think counsellors are amazing folk, but they also need the "switch off" ability otherwise their entire lives would be miserable and traumatised what with all the grief they have to see and support. I think I would collapse in a crying pile every night!

Just saw you on the bereavement thread - we are chasing each other round the board grin

hotnspicyonions Wed 24-Nov-10 22:03:40

I promise I'm not stalking you wink

Large glass of pink in hand and desperate housewives on E4, life is a bit sweet tonight xx

spilttheteaagain Thu 25-Nov-10 14:23:19

How are you today hotnspicy?

hotnspicyonions Thu 25-Nov-10 22:16:47

Had a good day today thank you spilt. And touch wood, the bleeding seems to be stopping at long bloody last... hooray!!!

How about you? Did you go for your test results today? Any updates? Or have you answered all these questions on another thread already!!?? xx

spilttheteaagain Thu 25-Nov-10 23:28:17

ooh glad your bleeding is ending smile
Do you need to have a scan/take a test at some point now to check the MC is complete? Actually I felt very weird about the bleeding stopping. Bereft all over again as the last physical links to what had happened were gone.

I'm ok at the moment. We saw the consultant today and found out that we had a little girl.

Also found out that the most likely cause of her death was toxoplasmosis - my body was making masses of antibodies and clearly fighting it off according to blood tests.

It is sickening to think about. She was in every way perfect. They checked all the chromosones etc, the placenta was fine and healthy, no sign of blood clotting problems etc. Just a sodding common parasite usually caught from cat poo or raw/rare meat.

I have lived with cats for 17 years so to get this now is just so bloody unlucky.

What's your thoughts on work etc? Are you going to take a break?

hotnspicyonions Fri 26-Nov-10 09:23:26

It's a relief for me, I think because the bleeding has been going on now for so many months (obviously not all through MC) it's something I'm really not going to miss. And hopefully my cycle will kick start again and there may be some normality that I can keep track of and hopefully try again! I have to take a test next Friday, fingers crossed for that.

I can't believe how unlucky you've been. What a complete unjust thing to happen to you and little Bobbie. Sometimes life is just so unfair and shit! There's no other way to describe it. But I bet you still feel cheated as she was perfect. How are they going to treat you? Is this something that can be sorted easily? Now you know there was nothing wrong with Bobbie, do you want to try again soon? Hope you don't mind me asking and if it's none of my business tell me to butt out!

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about work yet. I only really work one night a week, so by next Tuesday I think I'll be fine. I think all the crying I did on Wednesday helped with the healing process. And just chatting to you too. I haven't been through anything like you have, you've given me back my strength, thank you

And with your diagnosis, that got me thinking.... we've just got cats, back in September and we do have a litter tray. Do you think it's worth getting tested for it??

spilttheteaagain Fri 26-Nov-10 11:13:07

Feed yourself up with some steak & spinach after all that bleeding! Glad you are feeling stronger now.

Re the cats. I suppose I am now feeling super cautious but yes I would go to the GP and explain your concerns (new cats, ttc) and ask to have a blood test to see if you are already immune to toxoplasma. If you are then there should be nothing to worry about (but make your DP do all the litter trays when you are preg, and if you are gardening then wear rubber gloves under your gardening gloves, and really scrub any veg you grow and eat).

If you aren't immune then you need to be even more vigilant about handwashing and not risking contact with cat poo (remember they lick their bums and then everything else). Also toxoplasma is often caught from raw/rare meat esp pork, lamb and venison and from unpasteurised milk so cook things properly and disinfect things that touch raw meat.

(I realise this may be excessive paranoia but understandable given what I have just experienced)

Yup I feel completely cheated out of my little girl but also so glad that there is nothing wrong with her or me so we have every chance of a successful pregnancy in the future.

We've been strongly advised to wait 6 months from the birth before ttc (so 4 months from now) to let the current infection be killed off by my body. Also to let me (hopefully!) develop long term antibodies to toxoplasma which should mean I am immune for the future. So it should be a case of a blood test in 3-4 months that gives us the all clear to try again. The wait will be haaaard.

hotnspicyonions Fri 26-Nov-10 14:27:56

Well it's all great advice, thanks spilt. Perhaps you should run an advice line!

Luckily I am not anemic (surprising seeing how long I've been bleeding for!)

Are you the patient type? Good luck with that one. Must be hard waiting, although I know when I was diagnosed with over active thyoid we were told to stop ttc. It'll happen for us both again one day soon, I'm sure of it! Then back to the SWI... can't wait!!! grin xx

spilttheteaagain Sat 27-Nov-10 14:33:35

I'm not the patient type.

I'm a fertility charter and think I am ovulating today or tomorrow (+ OPK, soft open cervix, EWCM etc). It is gutting not to be able to make proper use of this knowledge!

What's your plan as goes trying again?

Hope you're feeling ok today.

hotnspicyonions Mon 29-Nov-10 09:49:29

What a waste! That must be so tempting for you to just say, F*** It!

I went out on Friday night and was a bit worse for wear on Saturday, didn't get out of bed til 1.30!! Had a good weekend, and feeling very positive about trying again. Not quite got to the charting stage yet, but have had a look at a few. We'll see how things go for a few weeks. Who knows eh?

How's work for you at the mo? Is it getting any easier???

spilttheteaagain Tue 30-Nov-10 13:44:04

It was tempting, but I have resisted grin

I think my fear of getting pg and losing another due to this, or being urged to terminate outweighed my impatience.

Glad you are feeling positive about trying again and I really hope it happens quickly for you. If you fancy charting in due course then please do join us on the Charter's Anonymous thread in Conception. We can all be found analysing our bodily fluids and cervix positions and learning to work our thermometers properly... (still chuckling at the poster who kept forgetting to wait for her thermometer to beep so was recording deathly low temps like 95 F. She got it right today, twigged it was actually really high, tested and got a BFP!)

Work went well yesterday actually - I just did the morning, and it was the first time since last Tues. I was actually feeling quite happy about it when I left, pleased I had coped, although it's still far from easy or comfortable. Off today, and working tomorrow morning next. Fingers crossed.

Are you working tonight in the end or not?

hotnspicyonions Thu 02-Dec-10 22:22:51

Well done for not being tempted! And I'm glad work went ok for you. How's the snow affecting you? DS was off school today, no driving, just walked everywhere. Had to go and get a test tonight as got to do the 2 week test tomorrow, just to make sure nothing's left.

And yes I went to work on Tuesday, all was well until someone asked why I was off sick. When I wasn't forcoming with an answer it was implied I was skiving! Just got to me a bit and didn't sleep well because of it. Wound me up when it really shouldn't have. Oh well, I don't have to go again til next Tuesday now.

We'll see what tomorrow brings eh?!

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