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MIL has said nothing

(12 Posts)
Mamafoof Tue 23-Nov-10 09:52:59

Hi Ladies
I am so sorry we are on this thread but grateful for the support for everyone.

I miscarried last Wednesday (I am still miscarrying). Was 5-6 weeks and it has really hit me. My DH and I had told our respective parents. I was half expecting DH's mum to send me a text to maybe say something of comfort to me but nothing. Then today she is looking after my DD and she walked in, barely looked at me as she was looking at DD and said hi only when I said hi. To be honest, she always does this as she is so excited to see dd which I can understand and have become used to - but to say absolutely nothing about the miscarriage of her second grandchild? She is not a nasty person at all - she is very nice but I sometimes just feel that she cares about the impact on her son (my dh) and my dd and doesn't care about me. I am really suffering here and could do with at least an acknowledgement of the situation.

Please do tell me if I am being overly sensitive or stupid as I am sure I am not thinking straight right now. But I need to resolve this as all I can feel is growing resentment at this situation.

Love to you ladies and wishing you a wonderful day xxx

DirtyMartini Tue 23-Nov-10 09:55:49

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You're not being overly sensitive. Certainly not stupid either.

Perhaps she just doesn't know what to say? (benefit of the doubt)

But even if that's true, she should make an effort.

Are there other reasons why you think she is more focussed on the impact on your dh? Why would she worry about the impact on your dd -- does your dd even know?

Wishing you the best x

Mamafoof Tue 23-Nov-10 10:03:57

Thanks DirtyMartini.

Sorry - reading over my post, I wasn't too clear! I guess what I am trying to say is that think she cares more about dh and dd than me (not necessarily the impact of the MC on them) and this is made all the more clear by her response to the MC.

I think you are probably right - she does not know what to say and think she thinks she has dealt with it by speaking to my dh about it. But I think she could at least say something - even if it ends up being inappropriate!

Sorry to moan and thanks again xx

Mamafoof Tue 23-Nov-10 10:04:39

ps - my DD is only 1 next month so luckily doesn't know what is going on, bless her.

Hulla Tue 23-Nov-10 10:22:31

Oh mama I am really sorry.

You remember my MILs reaction to the news about dc2? Well she sent me a message saying sorry we're excited but you're still in the miscarriage "danger-zone" so can't be happy for you yet. I told her I found it very hurtful and that being happy "eventually" was upsetting to DH etc etc. She didn't reply but when DH visited last week she burst into tears and said sorry for being insensitive. She hasn't said anything to me.

I think she just finds that level of intimacy with me difficult.

How is she with you normally? Tactile? Does she have DD's herself? Mine only has sons and I am convinced that she is a bit scared of being around women & people showing emotion.

exexpat Tue 23-Nov-10 10:31:14

Could it be a generational thing? I get the feeling that women of my parents' generation were brought up not to talk about miscarriage or anything like that. She may feel she is 'sparing' your feelings by pretending it hasn't happened, and might be surprised to hear you wanted her to acknowledge it.

jasmine51 Tue 23-Nov-10 10:32:29

Mama When I've had my mcs it has been a real eye opener as to who makes contact and who doesnt. Its like any bereavement, some people know how to handle it and some dont. I learned a huge amount about human nature from a male friend who really surprised me by getting on the phone to me straight away, asked questions, got me talking about it, was sympathetic and comforting. I surprised myself too by being prepared to discuss it with him when I had assumed I would just want to hibernate from the world. On the other hand, a couple of girl friends with dc (no experience of mc) avoided me, thinking I wouldnt want to be around them for a while. Even now they dont really know what to say when I bring the subject up.
I will also admit that years ago when a work colleague was absolutely distraught about something, I left her to cry alone in the toilets rather than go and comfort her....I just didnt know what to do or say so I left her alone...I still feel terrible about that.
My own mother has never discussed the mcs with me, yet my cousins who are my generation are much more enlightened and open...maybe its a generational thing.
Overall I guess I'm just saying that your MIL might be one of those people who just dont know how to handle this kind of thing and feels awkward. Dont get bitter, find your support from elsewhere until you are in abetter place - we are here and we understand.
Look after yourself xx

Mamafoof Tue 23-Nov-10 11:21:36

Thanks so much ladies - you have given me some good insights - that's why I love coming on here to make sense of it all!

Hulla - I do remember your Parents-in Law reaction. I guess it's good she messaged you but still not the greatest of messages! Sounds like she is scared of getting hurt too but still - she needs to be supportive rather than hide till all is ok. My MIL just has my DH has her only DC so you may have something there. She only shows emotion or is tactile with him so I suppose any sympathy to me wouldn't come naturally though. My parents are completely the opposite so I suppose I just expect it from her.

Thanks exepat - it probably is a generational thing. It seems odd though that you can't be open to your close family but again, it's not what I am used to. To be honest, I would probably feel quite uncomfortable (no pleasing some people eh?) but at least she would have made the effort.

Thanks Jasmine51 - all very good points. And I am sure I have failed some people at some point in my life. I hope to be more aware now though and at least offer some acknowledgement.

And thanks again for the support smile
xxx

Mamafoof Wed 24-Nov-10 13:58:31

Found out last night my dh had asked his mum not to say anything in case it upset me!! Can't believe him! Anyway, so am embarrassed blush about my rant but wish that she didn't listen to him! Oh well x

exexpat Thu 25-Nov-10 10:26:42

So not a generational thing but gender? Still, he probably thought he was being sensitive. Glad you found out though, or your relationship with your MIL might be affected - tricky enough at the best of times....

Fibilou Thu 25-Nov-10 22:00:19

One of my closest work friends miscarried today To be honest, I probably would naturally have reacted like your MIL, ie pretend it hasn't happened and tried to keep her cheerful. Fortunately I have MN to educate me wink

I suspect your MIL has no idea of what to say, whether she should say anything and probably wants to avoid "upsetting" you and therefore ignoring the elephant in the room is the safest option. Don't forget that she may well be upset as well

Fibilou Thu 25-Nov-10 22:01:14

note to self, read all posts before commenting

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