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Talk to me about trying again, and the fear!

(18 Posts)
Purplebuns Mon 08-Nov-10 17:39:48

I got my period after my MC a week and a bit ago.
I really want to have another baby, but I am so scared to go through another MC.
I have tried joining a couple of trying again threads but I have fallen off them both. When I first mc I wanted to try again asap, but now I just feel so worried!

DH wants to try again as he knows that I will probably get more worried the longer I leave it!

What helped give you the courage try again?

sotough Mon 08-Nov-10 19:05:23

the desire to have a baby! it's simple really. either you want a baby really badly, so you are prepared to go through the fear and misery again; or you don't want a baby that badly; so you're not prepared to go through it.
if you really want a baby, you'll try again. and if necessary, again. and again. and again.

knackered76 Mon 08-Nov-10 19:36:36

I had a mmc in July and decided very soon after I didn't want to go through it again, but in my case I have 2 dc's already. However, once the hormones had calmed down I decided we would give it another go. I suppose my over whelming thought was that in the scheme of things having a mmc discovered at 10 weeks and an erpc was not the worse thing in the world once I was out of the other side. I am now pregnant again, about 10 wks, and have booked a scan for next weds. I am terrified of what it will show but I know I will be fine if it's bad news, devastated yes but not destroyed. Only you know how much you can take but I knew for myself that I had to have another go or I would keep wondering what if. How many mc's have you had? It helped me to know that because I've only had one my chances of having a healthy pregnancy are as good as they were before my mc (if that makes sense!). Picture your life without children and ask if you are content with that. As sotough says, the desire to have a baby is the thing that carries you through!

kat2504 Mon 08-Nov-10 19:42:11

I echo the posts above. I'm petrified of another mc, it would really break my heart. But my grief after the mc showed me how much I really want to have a baby. After one mc the odds are in your favour for a healthy pregnancy next time you conceive. Yes, there is the risk of being in the unlucky few who have two in a row, but you have about 80% chance of a live birth. Good luck if you decide to go ahead. It is scary but will surely be worth it in the end.

nurse47 Mon 08-Nov-10 20:53:52

I had a MMC in nov 07 resulting in a ERPC, i was scared to death to try again but as i got my second post MC period we decided to try again and i got PG first time i was on pins so i discussed it with my GP who sent me for an early scan, once i hit the 12 week mark call it stupid but i put myself in gods hands (im not even that relgious)and i had a text book PG and birth, im now currently booked in for my second ERPC tomorrow following my second MC (blighted ovum this time)but this time i want to start to try again once my body recovers as the best thing ive done in my life is have my DD she is everything to me and would love to extend my family. Im sad for my loss and have grieved in my own time and will always remember my two angel babies but life goes on and its too short, to live in fear (dont mean that too sound harsh. I wish you the best of luck and to soon have that precious baby in your arms x

KTDace Mon 08-Nov-10 21:33:17

I know how you feel.

I had a MMC 9ish weeks ago. I have had some really dark moments this time. After my 1st MC I was desperate to get TTC again, but my body took about 6 months to settle down. I found those 6 months so very hard as my body was frustrating me so much. This time I am going to wait until my body is back to normal, periods are proper, ovulation happening at the right time etc, and then I am going to give it one last shot (well if I think I can handle another MC, until I can then I can not TTC).

What I am trying to say is you will know when you are ready, if you are ready.

I am not going to join any TTC threads as I do not want TTC to be my life like it was before the last 2 MCs, I think I need to relax.

Good luck x

brokeoven Mon 08-Nov-10 22:04:34

It IS scary, its terrifying and never agian will a positive pregnancy test mean the same to you.

But then the need to have a baby kinda takes over as the feeling is SO strong, well for me it is.

Ive had 5mcs.
Made a decision that i couldnt go through it physically or mentally again.
That lasted a whole couple of months i think before i just simply could not accept that was my lot.

So been trying again now going on 11 months...going to make Drs appointment tomorrow. Ask to be referred to gynae person.

I too have joined and dropped off some TTC threads, cant cope with all of the BFP everyone seems to get on them.
Nothing is guarunteed, nothing, But for me i just HAVE to keep going.

all the best smile

mrsmillsfanclub Mon 08-Nov-10 22:39:47

My 2nd mmc was 18 months ago, and it traumatised me so much I decided I couldn't go through that heartache again. Dh was still very keen for us to try again, but I knew I couldn't ttc again if my heart wasn't really in it.
I am now in my late 30's and have decided the only thing stopping me from trying again is fear. Now I have recently decided Im ready to take a chance again.
My way of feeling in control is taking care of myself, eating, exercising and trying to remain relaxed (easier said than done).
But Im still a nervous wreck confused

Purplebuns Mon 08-Nov-10 22:55:01

Thank you all, I feel like a wuss, especially compared to those who have had so many
I have had one successful pregnancy (beautiful DD) and our lost baby.
I just feel so unsure, losing this baby has really knocked the confidence I had in my body.
Although, I try and think that it was just doing what it needed to do.

I think I will tentatively try again and then if I do conceive, see if I can have a scan at 9 weeks. I would go private but I don't think there are any places near me to do it.

I just won't be able to relax at all! Especially as I will be gutted if I don't conceive!
Thank you all for replying and sharing your stories

Muser Tue 09-Nov-10 12:15:41

It is scary trying again. Miscarriage is very common though, and having one doesn't mean you'll have another. It's hard to take comfort from that, but I clung to it.

I had a miscarriage last December, then an ectopic in February. My first two pregnancies. I was terrified there was something wrong with me.

I had to wait 3 months after the ectopic to try again. That 3 months helped me to work through everything and be more ready to try again. Don't feel you have to rush back to it if you're not ready yet, take some time if you need it.

After the 3 months we started TTC again and I got pregnant that first month. It was terrifying. I had a 6 week scan to rule out an ectopic, then an 8 week scan to confirm viability. I was terrified for both of them. Then I was still terrified at 12 weeks and 20 weeks. Previous losses do take some of that confidence that comes from not knowing what can go wrong. But the happiness when you see that heartbeat on the scan or feel your baby move for the first time makes it worth it.

Don't give up if it's not what you want to do. The odds are on your side that next time everything will go right.

MrsP78 Tue 09-Nov-10 16:55:51

It is scary to try again, I'm currently on my first 2WW after our third loss in a year. Each time I've miscarried it's taken that little bit longer to get to a place where I feel ready to try again. Women cope in different ways after a MC and need different amounts of time to get to a place where they're ready to try again, so don't beat yourself up if you;re not ready yet, just give yourself some more time.

For me it's the overwhelming desire to have a child (we're TTC for our first) that keeps me going through the fear. My DH has been an angel over the last 10 months and my love for him has just grown and grown, so I just want to give him the happy ending he so deserves.

I'm terrified about getting another BFP as I know that those two little lines will never again have the same joy they did the first time and they will always bring on fear and sadness, but I'm willing to put myself through the pain over and over until I get to hold my baby. Even women who've had 3+ MCs have a high chance of going on to have a healthy pregnancy, even without medical intervention so try to focus on the positive outcome you're likely to get.

Keeping everything crossed that the next time will be the lucky time for all of us waiting for our LOs to arrive.


KTDace Tue 09-Nov-10 17:22:54

Sorry when I said I needed to relax what i meant was I need not to use OPKs, I need not to take my temp every morning. I know that I will be sad when every period comes and I am not pregnant but TTC has been my life for 2.5 years and I am obsessed, it really is all I think about.

But the MCs have made me realise that every BFP does not equal a baby and so it is so much more than getting a BPF IYSWIM.

I know it is impossible to relax and really pissing annoying when people tell you that, like it is the only thing in the world stopping you get pregnant. I just need to accept that physically and emotionally I will not be able to get pregnant before the summer.

I didn't mean to offend - sorry.

Purplebuns Tue 09-Nov-10 17:32:04

Hi, I am trying to be optimistic.
KTDace, I am not offended don't worry
I have never charted or used OPKs yet, I think all of that would be too much for me to handle. I am going to be doing the have sex every two days and every day around my fertile period(DH obliging of coursewink)
I do find it difficult to be comforted with statistics, as the odds of me not MC before were high and I still did Also, I could be on the cusp of finding out I am going to have fertility issues. I don't know if that makes sense or not?
I am so sorry so many have had to endure such sorrow

Thank you all for sharing it does really help

KTDace Tue 09-Nov-10 17:37:17

phew - good.

owlboots Tue 09-Nov-10 20:41:46

Hello Purple - hope you're doing okay. I think there's a lot to be said for leaving the OPKs and other such things for a bit & just get back into the swing of enjoying some quality time with your DH ;)

I dived in headfirst into all that stuff the first month after I mc and it did me no good; I thought I was ready but I clearly wasn't, I was so wound up and stressed I could barely think. A couple of months on things were a lot calmer; it will happen when it happens. Although I know when/if it does happen it will be terrifying as Muser rightly says, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. One step at a time!

Lots of good luck for you for the next time

stillfrazzled Wed 10-Nov-10 20:07:23

I'm pg again after two mcs in three months at the start of this year.

I'm 27 weeks now and still a bundle of nerves, if I'm honest, and it's only in the last few weeks that I've started to think I might actually be having a baby.

The first trimester (in which I bled lots and had to have several scans) was horrible.

You do lose any sense of a connection between BFPs and actually having a baby, IYSWIM. It does spoil the pregnancy as an experience in its own right.

But obv the desire for a baby was and is stronger than the fear. I have been totally shocked by the sheer raw need of it all, TBH. Biology really takes you by surprise when you're used to being sensible and paying the bills and working out what the best thing to do might be!

Hope any of the above ramblings help, and best of luck in whatever you decide smile

Purplebuns Wed 10-Nov-10 21:55:03

Congratulations frazzled! I am always delighted to hear other peoples good news

I haven't used OPKS or charted before, maybe I will do if I get involved, but so far I have been very lucky in getting pregnant, just only a 50% success on holding onto the pregnancy afterwards!

I am wondering about leaving it until after Christmas, I will just wait and see. And I am moving house, which will involve lifting and stress in early December.

mamadoc Thu 11-Nov-10 22:52:31

I am pregnant again after 2 MCs this year. Still only 7 weeks and very anxious and pessimistic.
After the 1st one I just wanted to be pg again asap.
After the 2nd I really reconsidered the whole thing. I wasn't sure I wanted a 2nd child after all. I felt I might be fighting against my destiny or something. (I think I would feel differently if I didn't have DD).
I went through with it mainly for dh sake as he really wants another baby. Our ttc was very half hearted compared to previous efforts but strangely I fell quicker.
I guess what I'm saying is that there is no rush. I wished I had waited longer after the 1st MC to grieve properly. I thought the solution was to be pregnant again but it wasn't. Do give yourself time if you are not ready yet.

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