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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

I am doing my own head in.

9 replies

leo1978 · 19/10/2010 14:25

I have a 3.4 year old son. I posted recently on here as I had a ruptured ectopic 3 weeks ago and surgery and in July had a miscarriage/suspected ectopic. As I am recovering physically my brain is working overtime and I think the essence of my upset is this: I feel like a total failure for having not been able to provide a sibling for my son with a 3.5 year age gap. I feel like I have missed the boat in terms of him having a sibling he can relate to in his childhood and I know I can't change anything but I am struggling to shake this feeling off x

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mamadoc · 19/10/2010 15:31

I also have a DD age 3.6 and I dearly wished she had a similar age sibling especially as my sis and I are so close.
It wasn't meant to be, we've been trying for 2 years and have had 2 MCs.
I was recently very cheered up by a friend who has a twin sister and one 4 years younger. She reminded me that she is much closer to her younger sister than her twin.
There are so many factors apart from age like the sexes and their personalities. You just can't dictate things like that.
You have had such a hard time recently and you just need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

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leo1978 · 19/10/2010 15:34

Thanks for responding mamadoc. It seems such a weird place to focus all my emotional energy but there you go - such are our emotions x

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KTRace · 19/10/2010 18:10

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have a 3.5YO DD, been trying for 2.5 years and have had 2 MC (2nd 6 weeks ago). I feel exactly the same as you, terribly guilty for not being able to give my daughter a sibling she can be close to and grow up with. But nothing we can do about it, which actually makes it harder to deal with. We will deal with it though and our children will be fine x

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leo1978 · 19/10/2010 18:22

Thanks and so sorry for all of us. I think when it doesn't work out it becomes an obsession that verges on the destructive regardless of how level headed you might be as a person. I think you are totally right - we will deal with it and our children will be fine - we just need to hold on to that.

xx

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sotough · 19/10/2010 20:07

hi, i have a different perspective on this! there are loads of positives about a larger age gap! There is five years between me and my next sister; and ten years between me and the youngest of the three of us, and we are all really close!
there are an awful lot of totally frazzled mums out there trying to cope with several very young children. many of them privately admit it's bloody hard work and they wish they'd left a bigger age gap. i know how hard it is when things don't go to plan (we started trying for no2 when my DS was one year old; had multiple miscarriages; and though i am now nice and pregnant my DS will be 3.5 by the time the new baby arrives) but i promise that having a sibling who is a lot older or youngr is still truly a wonderful thing. also, spacing your children out can make it easier financially. please don't give up or feel you have failed your little boy in any way. the older he is when your much longed for baby arrives, the more engaged he will be in the process, and the more excited and hands on will be, not to mention helpful to you!

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sotough · 19/10/2010 20:10

Ps having three children with a big age gap also kept my parents young! dad was 50; and mum 44, when they had my youngest sister. now they're in their 70s, but there's no sitting in front of the TV with a blanket over their laps!

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Brokenbits · 19/10/2010 21:14

leo I can so totally relate to this. I have been trying to give my DS a sibling for 2 years now. My problem is not recurrent mc but that the first one (a year ago) rendered me totally infertile. Now waiting to start Clomid and feeling wretched that it seems to be the only choice. Oddly, there are nearly four years between myself and my sibling and we're closer than any brothers or sisters I know. I still feel I've potentially failed my DS - probably because I don't know how large the gap will eventually be, or if it will ever work. I think it's the total lack of control which is the worst part. Thanks for the positive vibes sotough. This thought process can be all encompassing and desperately unhealthy sometimes.

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IggitheImpaler · 19/10/2010 22:49

Big gaps between myself and siblings (from 6 years up to 13). Was always close to the next one up to me, and while the others weren't exactly childhood playmates, as adults we are all friends and the gap seems to be much smaller.
Am just hoping I can give my ds a sibling, despite the gap, before my own time runs out!
I think in the midst of your grief you will find anything to focus on/beat yourself up about - for now, at least. Hope things get better.

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leo1978 · 20/10/2010 12:47

Thanks everyone. On the secondary infertility threads I am astonished by how many people are going through the same thing. Fingers crossed for us all. For now I am going to take some advice from one of the threads that is to enjoy doing things you can only do as a family of 3 and book us a trip abroad. Repeat to self - must not put life on hold, must not put life on hold.....