back to work

[annbenoli]

I had a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks which started when I was at work 2 weeks ago. It has been pretty horrific but is now over and so I am due to go back to work tomorrow. I am dreading it. I dont really want to go back to my desk where I was when it all started with a gush of waters going, only a couple of people at wor knew I was pregnant and people there are not used to people having time off, they will all ask why I was off and I don't know what to say, my job involves solving problems for families and I just feel like screaming but do you kneow whats happened to me, I will miss my 3dc who have been getting me through this. However, I know I have to go back

[Iggi999]

Sorry to hear this annbenoli.
Do you have a line manager at work, they could (if you wished) speak to others on your behalf or say something vague that would stop them asking you. I thought everyone would ask me about being off, but very very few did (guess I'm not as important as I thought!)
I MUST take you up on one thing you've said, you said it's "over now" and so you must go back to work. If you feel unable to go into work just yet, you do NOT have to. If work are awkward about time off, see your GP and they will sign you off. You may feel it is indeed time for you to return, but please make sure it is on your own terms. I went back too early once and just had to be off again.
You are in such a difficult circumstance and I really do feel for you.

[emptyshell]

I know how you feel. I teach, supply so no stable base of colleagues to spread the load with, and I teach early years. Finally made it back in the other day and it wasn't as unbearable as I'd thought it would be (despite the best efforts of the class in question to be utterly adorable and huggy beyond belief - which did make it worse in a nice way!). I got a bit tearful at mummy dropping off time and was fighting the urge to scream that "it should be me do you realize how lucky you are" kind of things - but you paste the smile on your face and get on with it and before you realize it - it's hometime.

I cried when I got home though - like I say, this little bunch were adorable, lots of small blondehaired girls just like I was as a child and how I imagined the baby we lost to have been.

Felt better when day 1 back at work was over though.

[InMyPrime]

It's tough going back to work and I'm not sure what advice to give you, other than maybe to have a word with your manager to ask everyone to show some discretion. Also is there any close friend you have at work that you can confide in for a bit of support? I have a close friend at work and it has really helped me to have her there to show a bit of support when other people were being wankers.

Even then it's tough, I have to say, as it's draining putting on a brave face all the time. I really feel quite angry about the MMC (in mid-August) still and am struggling a bit with how my colleagues have handled things. While my line manager and actually all the men at work have been very good, minded his own business and asked colleagues to do the same, the hags/harpies/wenches who I share an office with have ben bloody awful. One of them made some really insensitive comments to my friend about my 'illness' and even though I challenged her on it, it's difficult as you can't teach people discretion or manners if they just don't have any. If people are going to speculate or gossip, they're going to do it. I am a very private person and I hate the thought of anyone gossiping about what has happened to me but there's nothing I can do. I have raised the issue with my line manager though. In a way, I think something like this brings out people's true colours and you get to see your colleagues for what they are.

But anyway, sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my own issues. It just came rushing back when I wrote it down, trying to think about what helped me and what didn't. I hope your colleagues are nicer than some of mine. It is really hard to have to keep saying 'it's a personal issue, I don't want to speak about it' but most people will have enough brains to leave you alone so don't worry too much. For the ones who don't, they're probably not worth stressing too much about.

[MummyAbroad]

Hello

I am really sorry for your loss. I agree with Iggi999, the bottom line is if you dont feel ready yet then dont go back. You have been through something very tough physically and emotionally and you do need time off to deal with it.

I think its really common to feel edgy about going back to the place where it all started, I have experienced this too. Sorry I cant really offer you any advice just that you are not alone in feeling that way.

This miscarriage association produce this guide for employers which will give you an idea of how you should be treated at work. If you have reason to suspect that you wont get the best treatment perhaps you could give a copy of this to someone high up who can then ensure you do.

once again, sorry you had to go through all this. xxx

[YBR]

Sorry to hear of your loss.
I've now had 2 MMCs, and am recovering from 2nd ERPC.

Both times round my line manager was the only person who knew I was pregnant, and then about the MMC. The first time he contacted me to say people were asking why I was off and what should he say. I asked him to let everyone know, and say that I'd be still brittle when I came back and not to ask me about it. That really worked because it was no longer "news" when I went back to work and they were all very good. Nobody said anything unless I brought the topic up. I'm doing the same again this time.

You'd have to judge whether this would work for you; I offer it as a suggestion.

[jinglesticks]

Sorry for you - it is hard.

I just lied. I think three close colleagues knew I'd had EP and the rest I told I'd had a chest infection. They weren't really interested.

Good luck

[BrownieGecko]

Annbenoli am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the girls, go back when you are ready. I have gone back after a couple of weeks when I haven't been ready and think it took me longer to come to terms with things. The last time round I took 5 weeks off and was the best thing I could of done. I pottered around the garden, saw friends when I was ready to and just had time to grieve. Don't give yourself a hard time, you have been through a lot and work will just have to understand.

The frustrating thing about going back to work, is that no one can see a plastercast or something indicative of why you have been away. As such, people think you are ok, when you aren't. Go back when you are ready.

[JaynieB]

So sorry for your loss - I can't remember how long I was off, maybe a week or two? I'd only told my Boss and she was a paragon of discretion and really helpful, no-one else knew although I think a couple suspected but were too tactful to say anything.
Going back to work helped me keep busy and stop me brooding too much.
Hope you're ok.