2nd MMC and parental "advice"

[YBR]

Discovered our 2nd MMC on Wednesday, both the foetus was abt 8 weeks. First time there was just debris left, this time foetus but no heartbeat.
I'm going in for (2nd) ERPC on Monday.

Having told our families, all my mother can say is about going to see a Gynecologist to find out why, and she'll pay for us to go private blah blah blah. She never lost one and does not understand.

How can I help her to understand? It does not help me grieve, It feels like she thinks that throwing money around will make things right, or that I'm a machine which needs fixing.

Several other people are saying (in effect) that perhaps the Sonographers got it wrong, just couldn't find the heartbeat - anyone else get that?

[Hardandsleazy]

So sorry for your loss.

I can see how your mum is dealing with this in a way that is not sensitive but In my experience mums find it incredibly difficult to deal with this kind of thing as they feel upset/ helpless at your loss. Maybe her throwing money at it is her admittedly clumsy attempts at mum making it better?

Also re there could still be a heartbeat thing- I suppose people being nice (as there are stories of this happening) but it's damn irritating. It always felt like the coldest sort of comfort to me...

[Hardandsleazy]

And fwiw I had 2 mmc before dd

[emptyshell]

She's trying to be practical and "do" something - and it must be hard as hell to not be able to do anything.

Depending on where you are - you might be able to get into the NHS recurrent system after two losses and not the three usually stated by the way... I've just been to see the consultant after my second loss - not for much more than taking a history and the "ring us the second you get up-duffed again and we'll have you in for dildocam at 6 weeks on the dot" talk, but it's a good feeling to know that now I'm IN the system and if I lose again, they'll be watching to try to work out what's happening.

My mum did the whole clutching at straws about the heartbeat thing too - I think you just try to reach out for any hope going to make things feel better, whereas we'd tried desperately NOT to hope and start to resign ourselves to the loss over the course of rescans to confirm things were over. In the end she did little more than come down to se me (which is rare for my mum - normally it's very one-sided) bearing wine and a hug - which I really appreciated.

[Pollyanna]

I'm really sorry about your mc.

I remember my mum saying that she doesn't deal with my problems well as she just wants to fix them for me. That's no help of course when you just need some support and a friendly ear.

it's hard I know, as there really aren't many people you can talk to about it who would understand.

[MummyAbroad]

Sorry for your loss. I think it is really hard for anyone who hasnt been through it themselves to understand.

I found reading this really helpful in dealing with other peoples reactions (makes you realise how common the problem is!) www.pregnancyloss.info/dealing_with_others.htm#thoughtless

Perhaps you could recommend a website/book/leaflet for your mum to read so that she understands a little more an mc and how to support you? It is really important that you have some time to grieve for your loss right now and focus on investigations and TTC when you have accepted your loss and feel ready yourself to explore those avenues.

big hugs for you xxxx

[Iggi999]

Must say I'd actually be quite chuffed if someone would pay for me to get a leg-up by going private. [sadgrin!] Though I totally understand why this isn't the reaction you want from your mum. I also know people find it hard not to be able to fix things when their children are suffering.
Ultimately sometimes different people will help you with your grief in different ways, and some people will be no help at all. I'm sorry to say I've stopped expecting too much (which is why my own mother knows only of mc1 and not mc2).