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missed miscarriage at 16 weeks

(14 Posts)
amy74 Sat 11-Sep-10 15:25:51

Hi everyone, I'm very new to this but really feel the need to talk to someone.We unfortunately had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks just over 2 weeks ago.I had no bad symptoms- if anything very strong morning sickness up until 13-14 weeks.
I went for my routine ante-natal appt and the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat so I was told to go to the local hospital for a scan where they confirmed the baby had only recently died. I then delivered the baby two days later in hospital which has to be the worst day of my life so far.
My DH has been fantastic and so supportive and we've talked and talked about how we feel,however, I still feel in such a mess.
We have 2 other children who are 7 and 4 and feel so lucky to have them so still cannot stop grieving for the baby I will never meet.

I have good days when I feel I'm getting through this but then something so very little will set me back and I can't stop crying. When should I start feeling better? I'm a nurse and due to go back to work next week but still the thought of it terrifies me but at least I will be kept busy.

TotorosOcarina Sat 11-Sep-10 15:27:06

I'm so sorry

KTRace Sat 11-Sep-10 17:13:12

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I have just miscarried at 12 weeks (though I knew at 10 weeks that there was no heartbeat). I have good days and bad. This is my second and is not as bad as the first in that it wasn't such a shock. It takes time, lots of it. You need time to grieve for the baby, your dreams etc.....You will manage though, you will get through it.

I hope work is ok and does help take your mind off it.

Again I am so very sorry. xx

randomimposter Sat 11-Sep-10 17:46:28

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must have been to discover that so late. Have had 3 MMCs myself but all before 12 weeks; how heartbreaking to get through the supposed danger point and then lose your baby.

It does get easier like any grief, and crying is good. It will help. It will get better, and you will get through (never over but through) this.

amy74 Sat 11-Sep-10 18:16:41

Thanks everyone you're all very lovely. I never knew how lonely miscarriage could be. My friends have been great but they don't fully understand. Completely agree jollster, I only started to relax at about 13 weeks and decided to really enjoy this pregnancy and then it happened.I don't think I could ever put us through it again as much as I would love another baby. xx

randomimposter Sat 11-Sep-10 19:41:50

totally understand why you feel like that... don't know your history of course, but am assuming this was your first MC. Sadly one MC is so common, and in that you already have 2 gorgeous cherubs, am sure you could go on to have successful pregnancies in the future IF you choose to get back in the game. (And if your nickname number is a clue to your birthyear, you have time on your side).

take your time to recuperate and regroup and see how you feel in the future (there are several lovely TTC after MC threads, where people really get where your head's at, and are very supportive)

take care x

BackOnceAgain Sat 11-Sep-10 19:43:03

Hi Amy, I have just seen your post. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have just been through the same experience at 16weeks (except I had a erpc) nearly 4 weeks ago now...
As everyone on here has said it does get easier but I am still having moments where I just can't keep it together, usually over something really random. The slightest thing can set me off. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life and IKWYM about it being so lonely and isolating as much as friends/family are being lovely. I am just taking baby steps to being 'normal' again, for example I still haven't been out into the small town I live in for fear of bumping into someone who'll ask how I am. But I have been out to friend's houses and the park with the dc (we also have 2)
It IS so unfair when you've got passed the 12 weeks mark and have had a 'normal' dating scan and I had bad morning sickness too which they class as a good sign. I totally understand how you're feeling in that way.
Did they take blood and do further testing at the hospital? I am still waiting for mine to come back.

BackOnceAgain Sat 11-Sep-10 19:47:47

Yes what Jollster said is so true and chatting on these threads helped me a lot.

MummyWilliams Sat 11-Sep-10 21:31:50

Hi! amy74

I feel so sad for you but do completely know where you are at. I also have two DC aged 9 and 7.

I had a MMC at 15 weeks in April 2009. The baby had died at 12 weeks, but my body just carried on as normal.

It was very tough, I was in pieces, even started to self harm. But although never fully healed, I fell pregnant again over christmas 2009. Sadly, I lost this pregnancy at 18 weeks, our little boy was born in April 2010. Devastation is not a big enough word for this.

We never knew the reasons for the first loss, which was tough because we needed answers. It's just the not knowing why, did I do something wrong, am I a bad person etc etc etc. Why does the body just keep carrying on? It's frustrating beyond belief.

So the 2nd loss, was completely devastating, I too had to give birth to our little boy. The silence of his birth is so LOUD in my memory - if that makes sense.

We had a post mortem, but really we already knew that he had died from having the cord around his neck 6 times, but needed to have the post mortem to rule out anything else, but also to give us the confidence to try again. The post mortem confirmed what we knew, and that there was nothing else wrong with either of us. We had a funeral, which was as lovely as it could've been, I chose poems and music, we wrote cards with comforting words, gave teddy bears etc etc. We now have him home with us. I intend to put him in the garden, but haven't chosen the right tree/plant yet. We have his hand & footprint which I am going to have set in silver from here www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk. I've also bought a wind chime in his memory.

We are still healing but I still cry for our little boy every week.

Nobody knows what you are going through - only you and others who have been through it fully understand. Family and friends can offer sympathy but not understanding - if that makes sense.

Initially, after the loss I was not able to cope without my partner being with me, right by my side. I couldn't leave the house without him. When we did the school run, I would be shaking, because I couldn't bare the thought of anyone asking me if I was alright. Gradually over time, about 5 weeks after, I was able to go out alone. There would be people/conversations I would avoid and I did have to fight back tears alot.

You will have good and bad days and it is still very early days. You just have to roll with it.

I felt a little bit angry towards my children because I wanted to have space to grieve - that sounds terrible doesn't it.

It is good to talk on here. I still check in on the Ante-natal thread I was on too.

I am now pregnant again 6 weeks 3 days, I am a complete wreck but still have HOPE, that this baby will be one that we can keep. Its very early days, I am trying to be strong and positive but know that we have a very, very long journey ahead - whether that be a full pregnancy or half a pregnancy and another loss.

Don't give up. You will get through this, I don't think I will ever be the same person again, but I am surviving.

Keep talking.

Take very good care of yourself.

xxx

nickstermum Sat 11-Sep-10 21:33:10

amy can i just say im so very very sorry for what you are going through. Understand how you must be feeling having just MC at 12 weeks. I hope you are getting through each day, and your children are helping you to cope.

Stay strong but dont be afraid to cry, it helps.

littlewish Mon 13-Sep-10 09:56:37

Hi Amy, I wanted to reply to you as I know exactly how you feel. I lost my baby 10 weeks ago, I had a MMC too, no heartbeat was found at my 20 week scan, truly the worst moment of my life, that was a Thursday and I spent all weekend in a daze doing ironing and cleaning to keep busy and be organised before having to go to hospital to deliver the baby on the Monday. I can't talk about that part because I just can't explain the unreal this isn't happening to me feelings I had and my biggest regret is not seeing the baby after it was born because I was afraid of what I was going to see!

My DH and family have been brill and so have my friends but none have experienced a late miscarriage so that is why I'm reading mumsnet all the time as knowing I'm not alone helps, and I hope I help you too as I do understand how you feel.

I was so nervous of going out alone too. I felt safe at home I did't have to open the door or answer the phone. DH had to tell neighbours and friends poor thing he has been so good. I didn't go out alone for nearly three weeks as I was worried about bumping into people and having to explain the bad news. When I did go out I found myself standing in Asda with tears streaming down my face desparate to get back to the car park for a good cry in the car! Why are there so many pregnant women around me? I'd never noticed them before!

I went back to work 3 weeks later, I was shaking on that 1st day I didn't want to get in a state and I don't like being centre of attention as it is. Everyone reacts differently some just don't say more than "glad to have you back, I won't say anymore don't want to upset you", others gave hugs and had a few tears.

The school run was hard too, luckily DH had informed other mothers I was friendly with and people are kind and try not to make a fuss but want to show that they have been thinking of you.

I do feel stronger now and don't cry at work or at the shops although I think of the baby and of what we have lost morning noon and night.

I am sure you will feel better after that first day back at work, everyone will be kind to you.

Be kind to yourself don't force yourself to feel better take your time and that pain in your chest will gradually go away. Crying does help don't bottle it up, and perhaps like me will be glad that you had the little baby with you for a very short time than not at all.

I popped this poem in an envelope with my scan photo as it's exactly how I feel. I found it on another site.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

amy74 Mon 13-Sep-10 11:15:31

I wasn't able to access my computer yesterday and have only just seen your messages. Thank you everyone for being so supportive.
It's so reassuring to know that all the feelings I'm having at the moment are ok but it's such a shame that we all have something so very sad in common.
My husband has gone away for 2 weeks on a training course (back at weekends)and my youngest has just started school so I find myself alone and it's not neccessarily a good thing.I don't have family close by and the quietness is almost unbearable.
One of the mum's who I haven't seen for a while congratulated me on "the happy news" this morning and it was like someone was stabbing me in the stomach.
I am still very angry with the hospital that I delivered in as they never mentioned a post mortem or finger prints as some of the mums had. I'm not sure if this would have helped but it is all too late now anyway...

I will go back to work next monday but feel very panicky when I think about it.Hopefully it won't last long.

Littlewish - thank you for the beautiful poem. I will definately print it off and add it to my memory box.

I feel so sad as this little babe that we lost was not planned and once we got our heads around having another child something just felt so right.However, now that he/she is gone my husband does not want to try again and we feel so lucky to have 2 lovely girls already and he doesn't want me to go through want he witnessed in hospital ever again. I though I felt the same but something is changing in me and I would love another baby but would be too scared to even try. I always loved being pregnant but that has now been taken away from me and I think I would be totally neurotic and that wouldn't be healthy for us or the children. It's probably my hormones again - as I blame them for everything at the moment.(wink)

I've thought about having a star named after the baby but not sure if it's real or just a publicity ploy.

Thank you all again and I'm so glad I found this site xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kschofield1 Wed 04-Oct-17 23:45:28

Hi
I am new to posting. I found out at 16 weeks that we lost our baby. There was no heartbeat. It has been truly devastating. I just found out that all test results came back "normal" and that we lost the son we desperately wanted. We have a 3 year old precious little girl and were so hopeful and excited for a boy. We have 3 other friends who are pregnant also. We were all due around the same time and all expecting boys. I know it's not their fault this happened to me but it's so hard to talk to and be around them. I am that 1 in 4 statistic. I am having real troubles processing. I know they say it's supposed to be a good thing when results come back with no real answers but that just makes me more angry and sad. What they basically said is we have no real reason why this happened. I want to try again ASAP and am still waiting for AF. We had a D &E on sept 14. But I was curious how any of you got the strength to try again? I want a second baby more then anything but I'm so scared of losing the next one also. How do you take that leap of faith and trust that you will carry successfully to the end? I saw it was mentioned earlier about how great friends and family are but they just don't understand if they never experienced this tragedy. I know I need to recover emotionally for my family and also if I want to successfully carry again, I'm just finding it hard to do so. If anyone has words of encouragement, please, I am looking for advice from a community who understands my loss

Thanks

MUMOFANANGEL84 Mon 09-Oct-17 23:54:55

In terms of when will it get better I'm not sure that it does but you gradually get better at focusing on other parts of your life. It doesn't mean that it is less painful and there will always be triggers but is that so wrong that you care so deeply for your child? One thing I found that helped is taking my brave pills and telling people/correcting people at the earliest opportunity. I felt the weight that lifted off me once people knew was really good. My other half struggled to tell even his parents and I saw how much it tormented him. Be open and honest with people and do not feel like you have to front it I was amazed by how many women in my office had suffered similar experiences to me. I am having a holiday and then will hopefully try again. I have been told I will need daily injections and I know I will need my brave pills again but it is so worth it I have always wanted a family. If it is not meant to be we will adopt...love to you all.L.xx

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