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Me and my wifes (our) menopause

(57 Posts)
user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 18:53:40


I'm not sure if this is the right place to talk about my wife and so our menopause journey / problems.

For 2 years now my wife has become more and more demanding in all aspects of our lives. She is becoming a monster.

When I did some research online I found much to support the idea that "it's not her fault" etc. which of course I accept and the general message was to be supportive and loving, which I think I have.

I am not a passive person by nature but I made a pact with myself that I would simply try not to do anything to upset her, I would be supportive and I would do pretty much anything she reasonably wanted.

I now fear I have created a beast. I love my wife dearly and we have been together 33 years and sure we've had tough times but always got through them, but I fear she is now out of control.

Let me explain a bit more. I have done everything I can reasonably do to make her happy, but it now seems I have run out of the ability to please her. She is now saying she still loves me but is no longer in love with me which of course hurts. She is thinking separation might be a good idea, but even my suggestion we take separate rooms was dashed in an instant.

For at least the last 3 months we have been more like brother and sister in our day to day lives and intimacy which was IMO always the glue that kept us strong hasn't happened in ages.

I fear that in backing down to all her wants and needs has diminished me in her eyes. Not that I have been domineering but I have always made the big decisions. I feel I have given so much of me away that I even barely reconise me, even friends have commented on my passive nature now.

She is going to the Dr. next week but in her head she is totally anti HRT because she thinks there are too many dangers associated with it and any suggestion on my part that she might think about it is me with "its my body" type comments.

At the moment a big part of me feels I or she should just go, we have the option as we have another home, but I am simply not a quitter.

I know everyone and couple in the menopause is on a different journey but I would really value some feedback. I don't want to talk to friends as we share the same friends and TBH I feel that really they can't be objective because the are in the middle and I can't see any worthwhile outcome. Plus I am ashamed to admit that we are having these problems.

I feel so alone in this. Maybe our marriage has come to an end in her eyes, but I don't feel this, but I have said to her to think very carefully about what she wants because she might not like it when she gets it. Which is what I have read so many times in my reading.

Also I think she drinks way too much which can't help. Often getting through 1 + bottles of wine a night. She is on a whole raft of anti angsiaty (sorry can't spell it) medication for most of her adult life, she also has the increasing pressure of an aging and more demanding mother, and her brother who was coles by and helped in this has moved away only coming back monthy, if that. She is half way through an OU course and is beginning to struggle. She generally has no motivation, she is neglecting the house, I can't remember the last time she cooked, all she seems to do is play candy crush etc. I genuinely think she is depressed and is focusing me as the cause. Oh and to cap it off nicely she had her first panic attack in a supermarket in several years.

When the menopause started she became really strong and capable and I admit at first it was hard to adjust, but all this seems to have gone out of the window, its like she's had a high and now the low is here.

Sorry for rambling. Am I alone in this? I would love to hear both genders views. I'm not looking for solutions, just answers and to know I'm not alone.


PollyPerky Fri 20-Jan-17 19:50:15

I think sadly this is better suited to the Relationship forum. You might want MNHQ to move it perhaps?

Many women face the same pressures as your wife- work, elderly parents, menopause symptoms.

But the problem here is your wife's negativity about you and your relationship. I don't think it's helpful you call her a monster or a beast- this attitude must show itself to her day to day.

If she has fears about HRT she ought to read more about it- sites like Menopause Matters are good and written by a dr. Could you point her towards it?

Her drinking is at a very dangerous level and her risk of breast cancer is WAY higher on that amount of drink than with HRT.

Would she go to counselling with you? This is not really a menopause problem although her menopause is making it worse- it's a relationship problem.

If she wants to leave you can't stop her. Maybe she's been unhappy for years and the menopause is giving her the 'excuse' to do something about your marriage. I don't know- but she needs help.

user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 20:32:13


I agree monster is wrong but it just how I feel and this is how she refer to herself. I know shes not but I don't really have the appropriate words. What ever I use is going to be wrong. So please forgive my poor choice of word/s. I see mums often refer to their children as monsters especially in the title. Is this OK? I'm a bit confused.

This is my first post here so maybe it could be moved it a moderator thinks it appropriate.

If she want to leave I'm not going to try to stop her, but I will welcome her back if she had a change of heart

DoIDareDisturbTheUniverse Fri 20-Jan-17 20:34:42

'Our' menopause? confused
Are you the one dealing with changes to your body?

roundandroundthehouses Fri 20-Jan-17 20:37:33

What evidence do you have that your wife's unwillingness to have sex with you and her desire to separate have anything to do with the menopause?

gamerchick Fri 20-Jan-17 20:39:49

I feel for you me, I've watched my mother do it cold turkey and could have happily throttled her more than a few times. I'm dreading mine, bring on the hormones!

Really she should see her Gp but if she won't, I personally would let her leave until she sorts her head out.

FourToTheFloor Fri 20-Jan-17 20:46:16

OP my dm went through menopause quite early and I was still living at home so I saw it all. My lovely dm turned into a cantankerous, short-tempered, burning rage of a woman that both my df and I feared!

My df did pretty much as you have done and tried not to annoy her too much and would often tell me to do the same.

Once it passed my lovely dm returned and we do joke about it now (well df and I smile)

It's a huge thing your dw is going through, maybe do some research together but ultimately it's her choice what she puts in her body.

And Fwiw after 33 years I would think being intimate isn't the 'glue' surely it's that you actually love each other.

CondensedMilkSarnies Fri 20-Jan-17 20:46:26

A few questions Op -

How old are you both ?

Do you both work?

Do you pull your weight with household chores ? ( your comment about how she's let the house go )

TheElephantofSurprise Fri 20-Jan-17 20:51:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shallishanti Fri 20-Jan-17 20:51:55

I think you're right, she probably is depressed and should see a GP and discuss everything, as PPs said, many women have to cope with menopause plus family issues and it can be hard but doesn't necessarily go like this. Other than that, have you thought about Relate? I think they have resources on their ws that you can look at without going to face to face sessions.

user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 20:54:36

It's not happening to my body, no. But is having a very definite effect on me. I sincerely hope you are suggesting that its only affecting her?

user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 20:56:12

Useful! certainly the reply my wife would write ATM

user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 21:01:43

It's not an unwillingness, it's just not there and I am probably as much to blame as I haven't tried to initiate it for fear of my own rejection and after 33 years you just kinda know its not on the cards. It's always been important to both of us and I accept this can change at any time. TBH I not really much interested, so perhaps I am intune with something.

BastardGoDarkly Fri 20-Jan-17 21:04:25

Elephant perverts? Wtf are you on about?

Op, it sounds horrendous, if she's dead set on no hrt and separation, you have no choice but to let her go, it may be that she comes through it, and you reconcile, but perhaps not.
I'm sorry for your situation.

user1484852106 Fri 20-Jan-17 21:07:14

I am 55 she is 51, yes I do my fair share, and of late most of the household chores especially cooking. She still like doing laundry though.

She was always very houseproud. I am doing most of it now.

She doesn't work, I have a business that mostly runs its self so I am mostly retired.

Highalert Fri 20-Jan-17 21:07:30

It's not your menopause.

Maybe try cleaning the house and cooking yourself.

CondensedMilkSarnies Fri 20-Jan-17 21:12:23

Totally irrelevant but by your posting style I had you down as much much older !

Haffdonga Fri 20-Jan-17 21:17:47

Strange that you are pinning this on the menopause. It sounds to me like the menopause is the least of your problems and you need to look a bit closer at yourselves.

She has has mental health problems combined with alcohol issues.
You both have relationship problems.

Mermaidinthesea Fri 20-Jan-17 21:24:49

I totally sympathise with you I really really do. The menopause turned me into a monster too, it was honestly as if I was demon possessed.
The worse thing was I could not see it and thought I was rational and everyone else was crazy.
This can go on for 10 years and as a woman it takes all the soft edges off you and leaves only sharp corners.
I did not realise that I had a problem until one day at work I flipped and threw a difficult patients mobile phone out of the window. My colleagues took me aside and told me I was a bloody nightmare and needed to go onto HRT at once or they could no longer work with me.
I went onto HRT and after trying several finally found one that suited and was back to my normal self.
My colleague who decided to go au naturel has been a beast for 7 years. She was once a lovely natured slim person and is now grossly obese and everyone avoids her becasue she is a monster.
If your wife thinks HRT is a bad idea she needs her head seeing to, not one of the side effects are as bad as the menopause is going to be.
Show her this and tell her to take heed before she fucks her whole life up and regrets it.

Cherryskypie Fri 20-Jan-17 21:25:51

'Our menopause'

And I thought 'we're pregnant' was annoying.

Mermaidinthesea Fri 20-Jan-17 21:26:58

mine started at 45 by the way. It's still going strong at 55, I've tried coming off the HRT and it hasn't stopped yet.

PickAChew Fri 20-Jan-17 21:29:55

Hopefully, you'll admit to a slightly dickish looking cross-post, there, Highalert

The whole issue of losing any joy in things she used to enjoy, or at least care about and strongly wanting something but not wanting it, at the same time (ie separation, but she then doesn't want to have separate rooms) does speak of depression.

Rather than suggest separate rooms and be pushed back, it might help you to move forward if you were to be clear about what you need. It's perfectly fine to say, I can't live like this, I'm going to move to the spare bedroom/our other house, while we work out where to go from here. Meantime, we need couples counselling to help us to work out how best to either get through this difficult time in our relationship as a couple, or otherwise split amicably. I want to support you, but I can't wave a magic wand to make it all better and I am not willing to be subject to [your mood swings or however your "monster" behaviour is manifest]

And I agree about pointing her to menopause matters. I've found it rather useful for mythbusting because a lot of what I'm experiencing has been very different to the perceived wisdom, but is actually not abnormal.

Mermaidinthesea Fri 20-Jan-17 21:33:03

I also think people are being a bit harsh. It certainly is "our" menopause when your home life is turned upside down.
My marriage did not survive the experience and had I been clued up about the menopause and been able to discuss it with people I might still be married now. As it was me and my ex knew nothing about how devastating it could be.
Sex life? That stopped dead. How can you feel like having sex when you are in the middle of hot flushes and night sweats and hate yourself and everyone else?

lapsedorienteerer Fri 20-Jan-17 21:35:02

user1484852106 - as a 54 year old woman I'm seriously impressed that you have even bothered to research the subject...and even more impressed that you have had the courage to post heregrin.

I know I've become more short tempered in the last few years (and as we have a DS14 he too is probably aware of that!). Am I getting just a tiny, weeny bit fed up with week in, week out planning, shopping and cooking meals...oh yes I am! Am I tiring of no one else ever cleaning the loo...oh yes I am.

Do we both love now sleeping in separate bedrooms, oh yes we do.......much better sleep all around grin.'s not the end, just a change in routine...............

Highalert Fri 20-Jan-17 21:37:23

I think the OP sounds a lot more dickish than my post.

Carry on fluttering your eyelashes at the maole poster though.

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