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post natal depression??

(15 Posts)
barn Sun 09-Jan-05 19:22:55

I'm struggling and am dying to chat to anyone else who has felt like i do. i have got a 15 week old child and i am so struggling to look after her.i have desperately wanted a child for the past 12 years but now i have got one i don't want her. i'm finding it really hard. i'm always tired, have no energy and never seem to have time to myself. my husband ,lovely as he is, just says "i'm tired too"or "everyone goes through this" but he isnt the one who has to make sure everything is clean, bottles are made, baby is bathed, meals are cooked. he's not the one who got up every night to feed (i was brestfeeding). even though she has been on the bottle for the past 6 weeks he never gets up as he works all week!!! When do i get a lie in?? What happened to me im now known as ___'s mum not me!!
to top it off i now have to think about going back to work and i can not return to my previous job as i would be working for peanuts due to paying for childcare. I wasn't the most confident person in the world before but now the thought of starting a new job is hell.i want an evening job to give me a break from my child but my husband wont agree.there again like i said i havent got the confidence to start something new.
i'd better shut up now but i hope there is someone who wants to chat as i feel very alone.

mishi1977 Sun 09-Jan-05 19:51:03

barn hun
there is no reason for you to shut up if anything that will make you feel worse.
I have had Depression since my DS was 8 weeks old (he is now 15mths. I too have had to give up work and no longer know who I am, I am As mum and DHs wife but mishi...mm who is that? I too was confident and could hold a conversation with anyone about anything, now I spend any convos I have wondering if the other person thinks i am dense or just sitting wishing i would shut up...IT is soo different having a baby to the image portrayeed by others...I think your first port of call should be to the GP or HV to discuss your options, if they offer anti depressants just make sure its not the only thing they offer as by themselves they wont help. You may need to look at counselling, but please keep talking, I tried to bottle everything up and things ended up pretty low
huge hugs
mishi

MrsBigD Sun 09-Jan-05 20:28:51

dear barn, sorry to hear you've got such a rough time.

When I had dd I also felt like I couldn't cope as dd was constantly screaming and me starting to hate her, all everybody wanted to talk about was the baby etc. I was feeling really silly thinking that I'm the only one who can't cope. I went to see my GP who was very helpful as she first of all listened and I could of load.

Please do keep talking about it. I felt talking helped a lot and especially if you post in the 'feeling low' section you will be getting lots of support from all the lovely MNers.

All else I can say is... it will get better. you will get sleep again, you will like & love your child again and enjoy the time with her

Newbarnsleygirl Sun 09-Jan-05 20:30:37

Hi barn, I have been talking to another Mnetter earlier about a similar problem I have. Like Mishi I still have my problem and dd is 15mo. However I was lucky to have seen a lady who worked for the NHS and talked to mums like us. It was a team called PLATT and I was referred to her by my gp and found it a real help. If you go and see your gp and ask if there is anything similar in your area. I know alot of people will say the same but we know how you feel and most of us have gone through it. Can you talk to your husband about it and maybe get him to feed your baby just 1 night or at the weekend, cos believe me you'll feel so much better for getting a good night sleep or is there anyone who could look after your baby one night while you and your husband go out?
Keep talking if it helps.

hermykne Sun 09-Jan-05 20:58:48

BARN
i too had similar feelings re the responsibility of it all and the work invovled, talk to your hv and perhaps to get your husband to understand as it took ahwile for mine to comprehend, they can suggest something for him to read, its a whole different world of emotions ofr females and i reallt think men just dont get it, my dh wouldnt talk to anybody about childrearing but now in the past few months a few more mates have had babies and its all coming out from them how hard it is for the wives/dps.
take it real slow for yourself and dont put yourself under pressure
what i always tried to remember was - this time goes by so quickly and you'll cherish it with your little baby,if you need to stay off work longer try to, put decide to do something in that time to help your confidence, are there mum&baby groups near you and maybe try them for a little support and you dont have to tell everyone yoursituation but it will give you an inkling into others.
it all passses so quickly it is hard but you'll be fine keep chattin!

nightowl Mon 10-Jan-05 07:09:02

barn, ive been single since i was three months pg. my baby screamed non stop for the first 3 months of her life. it was hard. i felt so guilty because i loved her and wanted to spend time with her...but all she did was scream. shes nearly 1 now and still a stroppy demanding baby, nothing like her brother. im finding it hard to go back to work too..i got made redundant from my old job and everything seems so awkward. i dont drive so jobs have to be near or i cant get there in time or back in time if my baby had a childminder. i wish i could get a little job just to get a bit of time away...as much as i love my kids to bits..everyone needs a break. does your baby sleep well? mine does now but still goes through phases every couple of months and it drives me mad. my sleep pattern is totally screwed up now and it doesnt help much!

fisil Mon 10-Jan-05 07:34:29

barn, big hugs. You're in the right place here - I've felt like this many times, and MN has always been my lifeline. I'm feeling a bit like this myself at the moment (except that I'm pg, so still have all that to come too!) so I don't feel that I have the inspiration to be of much comfort to you right now or to give you any words of wisdom. But just to say that you are not alone but that that doesn't make it any easier or any less valid that you should feel like this.

barn Mon 10-Jan-05 11:43:07

Thanks everyone it is good to know i am not going mad!!! I do not want to go on anti depressents as i have been on them for 12 years on and off and i am really dissappointed in myself that i may need to go on them again. my life is rather complicated for other reasons and i have seen a counsellor in the past. the problem is i can not open up and tell her everything as i know what her advice would be and things arent that easy plus i would be labelled. i do things for a reason and i need to sort me out but people just judge you.
i am extremely unhappy and very very lonely and there seems nothing i can do. i have been to the post natal group but everyone is happy and adore their child yet i dont. to make it worse she has slept through the night since she was 9 weeks old yet still i am tired. she is also quite a content baby thats why people dont undersatnd what my problem is. im just whinging basically.

SPARKLER1 Mon 10-Jan-05 11:48:03

PND is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. I have had it since dd2 was born she is now 3!!!!!. I didn't admit to it until she was 12 months and went to GP who put me on ADs for a few months. Not sure if these helped or not but came off them after a few months and I don't think it was long enough. I have struggled on with the depression trying to convince myself that it will go away and it doesn't. Gonna try and get into GP again this week. Don't leave it as long as I did barn - make sure you get some help soon. xx

mishi1977 Mon 10-Jan-05 11:57:51

barn hun
dont be disappointed in yourself about poss having to use antids...i know its hard..as i still self batter...lol...my depression is down to a lot of reasons not just from having ds it was just triggered worse by his birth, i will admit i have had the worst yr possible and at times it did caus eme to hate my ds..as in i thought things wouldnt have happened if it was not for him...but that isnt true..i think things would have happened at some point they just coincided with my ds being born...as for the other mums seeming happy..it will prob be just that to external people i have been told i seem organised and confident etc but inside i feel dead and like the worst person ever who suffers paranoia etc..feel free to cat me if u want to chat hun
take care and huge hugs
mishi

barn Mon 10-Jan-05 12:17:24

mishi you have hit the nail on the head with everything you have said.
i do spend alot of time thinking if it wasn't for my dd then things would be different but they would probably not have been the best.

fisil Mon 10-Jan-05 13:16:13

barn, I had a post natal group which acted like yours. In fact I mentioned them to my counsellor at the time, as evidence that I was being pathetic (about a particular issue of mine) and he pointed out that the fact that this woman was making such a point about not being bothered about this, that she probably was even more f*cked up about it than me! Part of depression is (I reckon) that everyone else seems to be coping so much better!

mishi1977 Mon 10-Jan-05 13:26:20

fisil i agree i always think evewryone else is so much more competent and capable...obviously its not the case particularly as i have since found the a lot of people i know have suffered from some form of depression or mental health prob...i think i have been one of the most severe..ie. under psychatrist and weekly visit from CPN but even so its a more widespread prob than most people belive

AmericanAngle Wed 16-Feb-05 17:57:31

Can you afford a 'night nanny'? There is a nighttime nanny service in my area that could help you sleep through the night. Did you know that childcare would be expensive for the first 4-5 years? Imagine mothers with 4 kids! Thanks for opening up my eyes, somewhow I always thought that there was some form of childcare available for mothers who have kids ages 0-4... I wonder how I missed that and also wonder if other women misunderstood this as an option.

Amanda3266 Wed 16-Feb-05 18:35:57

"my husband ,lovely as he is, just says "i'm tired too"

Mine did this as well - I honestly think they have either no idea or are just terrified. But - after getting up two or three times a night without waking DH I used to want to kill him. How dare he be tired when I was doing all the work. I ended up resenting him big time - just the fact that he could escape to work each day constituted a break in my opinion.

I went through exactly the same feelings as well. Like you we'd waited a long time for our baby and even though I knew it was going to be hard work initially I had no idea just how exhausted I'd feel. I used to say to my hubby "can I have a lie in" and he'd moan and groan. It was even too much for him if I disappeared off into the bath for 30 mins - just for a break. It seemed never-ending and I thought I'd never, ever have my life back. My baby took nearly 10 months before we had a regular sleep through the night experience. (He had the odd night from 6 months).

Have you seen anyone about how you are feeling? Don't worry - nobody will think you a bad mother or un-natural - I think alot of people feel this way as it's such a huge change in life. Your HV might be worth talking to if she's nice. As for other parents - just remember that they are probably looking at you and thinking the same - we all have our own anxieties and worries and it's natural to look at others and see that they seem to be getting on so much better. I used to do this all the time and feel so guilty. All I wanted to do was "escape" and have some "me" time again. It was all tied up with rip roaring post natal depression and I can quite understand why you don't want ADs if you've been on them before.

As for your hubby - he sounds just like mine and with hindsight I can see that my hubby was just terrified of our DS, anxious that he wouldn't know what to do if DS cried while he was caring for him. He thought that I'd naturally know more about babies than he did. Bless!

On a more positive note. Even though you won't believe me at the moment it will get better, they are such hard work initially and not all sleep through the night at 12 weeks like the books say (my DS hadn't read the books that said this).
Things improved for me when I went out and joined a music group with my baby. It took me nearly 11 months to realise that I was supposed to be enjoying him and then I wished I'd found something sooner.
Keep posting here - we'll all offer you support.

Mandy

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