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should i allow my ex partners girlfriends see my daughter when shes with her dad

(123 Posts)
lilworthy Wed 10-Jul-13 14:42:19

hi im new to this but im stressed about something so anything if you can help in anyway right my daughters dad has just got himself a relationship with a girl he met of the internet and they have been allowing her to come down without my knowing and my daughter meeting her and im upset as i still love him in a way but we been split for 4 years now they have been together for under a year and i told my ex when we was able to talk to each other that he dont let my daughter meet his girlfriend unless i have met her just to get to know her and know she wont cause any harm to my daughter my ex was abusive towards me and i agreed with his mum because me and him are not allowed to talk because he keeps saying he loves me and that. we agreed that his girlfriend will not come down when my daughter is to spend the weekend with her dad and they asked me if they could take my daughter to the beach i said sure because i throught it ment my daughter and her dad were going to spend time together but i have just found out by his mum that my ex invited his girlfriend to the beach with them and that her dad and his girlfriend left my daughter with his mum and that and didnt spend any time with her at all and they keep going behind my back and letting my daughter meet her when we agreed that dont happen and his mum threaten me with court and kept saying if i got a relationship they wouldnt want to meet him they wouldnt care but if that was to happen i would want my ex to meet him if i knew it was going to last even though ive been on my own 4 years now due to my ex lieing and threating and all that his family kicked him out my parents gave him a place to live when that happen his dad kept phoning the police on my ex partner for no reason that i know of and my exs dad hit him he came to me because we was living together and he wanted to phone the police on his dad because his dad hit him and i stopped that he parents never liked me and i dont really like them anymore i get on with them for my daughter but i have lost the trust and respect for them now and im confused about what to do

HeySoulSister Wed 10-Jul-13 14:44:55

Look, you can't stop him. He's been with her s while, not like its a new one every 5 mins

You are both equal parents

Jux Wed 10-Jul-13 15:01:33

I am interested to know how you think you can stop him.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 10-Jul-13 15:08:07

I think you're being unfair.

they have been together a year and really your EX can introduce your DD to anyone during his contact time and you don't get a say in that. do you ask to meet everyone he has in his home or everyone he meets while with his DD? what about his friends that you haven't met- do you insist they cant be there when your daughter is?

this is just you struggling to get over him and you know it is yourself. you are trying to put a spanner in the works of him moving onto another relationship and you wouldn't appreciate it if he was doing this to you and a new boyfriend would you?

you need to be an adult about this and accept that you and he aren't together and that you BOTH will have new relationships.

troubledmum1234 Wed 10-Jul-13 15:38:29

I agree with the others, it's not your choice to make.

Lulabellarama Wed 10-Jul-13 15:46:06

Full stops would really help. And paragraphs.

AuntieStella Wed 10-Jul-13 15:49:52

I'd not up to you to "allow" this. He is her parent, and can choose who she meets when she is with him, and can leave her with whoever he chooses too. And seeing her granny is pretty unexceptional.

teetering13 Wed 10-Jul-13 16:29:15

Awww it's all shitty isn't it ... but like others have said, you need to step back.
When he's looking after your daughter, it's his rules .... chat to your daughter, keep it nice .. if anything horrible does happen (which is unlikely) she'll tell you. You can't be in control of everything and really now you've split you shouldn't have any say on his life like he gets no say on yours ...

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 11:40:58

i understand what you are saying and i have stepped back but what your not understanding is he thinks he does i havent had a relationship for the past 4 years because of him and do you think it is right to have my dd around when he was abusive to me and when he gets mad he becomes abusive and so is his dad but im getting fed up that and i said under a year because they got together a few months before my daughter turned 4 and she was 4 in march but i only wanna suss her out so to speak and you all think thats wrong and ive looked it up by law no father has to see the child their responsibility is that he knows about her care and schooling and stuff like that

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 11:49:24

The children's act clearly states every child has a right to a relationship with BOTH parents

It's your child's right

You and your ex have equal responsibilities

polkadotsrock Thu 11-Jul-13 11:57:59

If you don't want him to see her because he's abusive that's an entirely separate issue to him having a new gf is it not?

Jux Thu 11-Jul-13 12:00:52

Was the abuse documented by any official agency? I mean were police involved, or did you talk to a doctor about injuries or anxiety caused by emotional abuse?

If so, then you can ask a solicitor about ensuring your dd is kept safe when he sees her (supervised contact), but if not, then you are probably out of luck.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:04:41

But op has been allowing unsupervised access for this long now.... To suddenly say no would look highly suspicious to a judge, if it went that far, especially as op seems to also now have a problem with the gf at the same time

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:11:23

i just wrote a message but it didnt post and all im saying so your saying its unfair for him to ruin life for me by threatening to kill me and smash my face in and take my daughter away it was getting so bad i had no choice but to get the police out and show them all the messages and the police told me to see a solicitor but i only come on here for advice not for people to pass judgement on me but please don't unless you understand my issue with this and it is that issues but as i said ive always told him i would want him to meet my partner if i have one i did have a relationship and my ex did meet him and my ex then got my bfs number dont know how or where from and started threatening him and that. is that fair on me to ruin anything i have and put me down that much i basically hate myself and you think it is right for my ex not to included me in on anything that happens in my dds life when she is with him and your saying i shouldnt care if my dd could be in any danger at all with him or his girlfriend

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:13:09

and it was unsupervised his mum was supervising it for me as she told me my dd would not be left alone with him

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 12:16:33

Is this the first girlfriend your ex has had since your split? (wondering if that's why you feel as you do?) I can understand you wanting to meet her if she is going to be spending a considerable amount of time with your DD (for your own piece of mind also).

Has your daughter mentioned his girlfriend at all? If she is fine with it I don't really see a problem. You need to find out how your DD feels about all this.

TBH you need to put your own feelings aside (you say you still love him in a way). Is it your own feelings making you not want your DD to have anything to do with his girlfriend or is there genuine concern?

As harsh as it may sound you can't really say who can or can't be there when your DD is with her dad provided she is in no danger.

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 12:25:12

What would be the ideal solution to this problem ... what do you want to happen?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 12:35:04

no it aint the first girlfriend he has had since we split but they all broke up with him coz they found him texting me saying he loved me and he still did it with this one and she did mention her as but they have told her that she is her dads friend and how do i know she is not in any danger i might of been fine with it if they had told me that my dd was meeting his girlfriend but they never told me at all and i have put my feeling aside i have to for my dd and tbh i aint bothered about that he has a new girlfriend im bothered about my daughters safety her dad can be good with her but now coz of the girlfriend he aint spending any time with his daughter he leaves her all the time he dont spend time with her but i just want peace of mind about the girlfriend thats all like he would if i got a realtionship and i wouldnt stop him from meeting my partner if i got one i would want that so he would have the peace of mind but i feel as im getting judged on here because im concern on my daughters safety all i wanna know if she is ok all i know is that she has no children herself he met her off the net and that she is alot older than my ex and i wouldnt pass judgement on her all i want to do is meet her and get to know her then ill be fine on her seeing my daughter but im getting annoyed at the fact his parents are saying they have been together 2-3 years if that was the case they would of been seeing her since my dd was 2 and he got with her a few months after my dd turned 3 and he dont come to her partys on her birthday but thats not the point all i want is peace of mind im starting to get worried about my dd now when she goes

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:15

What's making you suddenly start to worry?

Gigondas Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:19

I am confused as to why you are worried about gf (leaving aside your feelings for ex). What grounds do you have for thinking she is unsafe? Not having kids isn't of itself grounds for not being suitable. Have there been any allegations from your dd?

JumpingJackSprat Thu 11-Jul-13 12:43:41

Its out of your control.

HoldingHigh Thu 11-Jul-13 12:47:32

I'm not judging you at all. I think it's understandable that you'd want to meet someone who is going to be spending a lot of time with your DD. The only point if I may, part of your post does seem to come across as if you do still hold a lot of unresolved feelings for your ex.

If they've been together for the 2-3 years as you say then I agree that it is wrong that you don't know about her at all. Is there a chance to can convey your concerns - especially if as you say he's casting your daughter aside during her visits to spend time with his girlfriend. I'd just mention that it would have been nice to have known that your DD was spending time with his girlfriend when you had no idea he was with anyone.

If you know your daughter is in no danger with her dad you need to trust his judgement on who he's letting her spend time with.

HeySoulSister Thu 11-Jul-13 12:49:09

If the police have been involved then they would be duty bound to report to ss as a child is involved. So what happened there op?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:02:34

his parent told me they have been together 2-3 years and yes i had no idea of it and i did explain to them that i might of been fine with my dd meeting her if they had told me before hand but they never and thats what his parent has told me i found out her went and spend the whole day and night in a hotel with his gf when he was ment to have my dd and left her to be with his gf but i wouldnt of minded its the fact they never told me and i only want peace of mind of her now and i cnt trust him let alone trust his judgement mainly coz he was meeting underage girls and asking them out and they were all of the net thats why im concerned more now but i spend 24/7 with my daughter he only spends one weekend a fortnight with her and he didnt spend it with her but i might ask her myself if she would like to meet as i am concerned and yes i was jealous at some point when i found out but im over that i just didnt like he put me down and still does but ill move on with my life at some point but i only wanna know what the girl is like and ill be fine but i wont forgive that they have gone behind my back as not told me about it and the 1st meeting was that they were only together 3 months in my mind thats to soon for a new girlfriend to be meeting the dd and no police didnt get ss involved as i followed their adivce and see the solicitor and they had a word with him about his threats and was told not to contact me again but he still did i only want adivce not judgement coz it just makes me feel bad for having any concern on my dds life

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:14:15

OP I'm not sure I understand. Do you want to without contact because he is abusive? If so, why now?

And I'm not the grammar police, but would you please use full stops in your posts as they are difficult to read and understand.

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