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how much access is normal ???

(26 Posts)
benbenandme Wed 17-Aug-05 20:51:03

He left me 3 weeks ago and we are trying "amicably" to sort out access arrangements. He wants to see ds twice a week, but it won't necessarily be set days as he does shifts and doesn't have a set pattern. I am concerned this is confusing for ds (2 years). Also he wants him to stay over at his new flat. He has a female flat-mate (platonic allegedly) but I am not happy about ds seeing another woman living with daddy yet. Any advice welcome please!!

Amanda1 Wed 17-Aug-05 21:27:58

Message withdrawn

babycake Wed 17-Aug-05 21:31:55

All I can say is once things are settled it does get alot easier. At first my ex had kids once a week but now he has them most of the day Sat and 2 evenings in the week. Its always set days though and I would not be happy if it wasn't. Then about the female flat-mate I can completely understand how you feel. He really isn't thinking about your ds at all. My ex is having kids overnight this weekend but he's back living with his mummy so that's not a problem. Sorry couldn't give you any real advice, sure someone else will come along who can, but just to let you know I completely agree with the worries you have. Good Luck in sorting it out.

mumtosomeone Wed 17-Aug-05 22:07:47

I wouldnt agree with the sleeping over but would allow open access with a phone call to confirm.

XmariaX Wed 17-Aug-05 22:48:38

my dp left our dd's and i about 3 months ago hes left to be with someone else and one thing im not allowing is the kids to be around her im just not happy with them being around another woman that i suppose would be like a step mum , but their dad doesnt really come to see them and doesnt make much contact with them but it really been affecting my dd1 whos 6 she misses him like mad and does cry a lot cause she wants to see her dad.
so i think contact on a regular basis is important but only do what ur comfortable with if ur not happy with him staying overnight, just say to his dad that it will take time b4 that will happen and just sort out arrangements for the day/evening for now

i dont know if this is helpful or ive just babbled on

but hope things work out

mumtosomeone Thu 18-Aug-05 07:28:30

It is hard when Dad has a new partner, but how would you feel if he said the children werent to see your new partner..if you had one?
You have to put your feelings to the back of your mind and think of the child! Sorry if that sounds harsh!!

gigglinggoblin Thu 18-Aug-05 08:03:20

i dont understand why people who separate say the kids shouldnt stay with their dad. until 3 weeks ago he stayed with his dad every night. yes, you might be the main carer but his dad is not a stranger. how would you feel if he wasnt allowed to stay with you because you split up?

my ex has kids every tues tea time and every other weekend fri after school til sun 6pm. we have every other half term, 1 week at xmas and 1 week at easter. xmas day he has the kids from 2pm. its hard, but the only fair way. it would be better if your x could have a regular time but if he cant, thats the way it is.

as for the flat mate, if you make things hard for him now, there is nothing to stop him making things hard when you get a new partner. which you will at some point

my ex and i dont speak and it makes things so much harder with the kids. but i still dont want to take it out on them by not allowing them access. its for their benefit as much as his

benbenandme Thu 18-Aug-05 09:00:10

I don't have a problem with him staying with his dad as such, he is fantastic with ds. My issues are with ds seeing him living with someone else, and also ds is still in a cot and ex has suggested he sleeps on the floor at his flat. I don't think this is in ds's best interests as he has never slept anywhere but a cot. I would like ex and I to remain friends but am struggling to come to terms with everything that has happened already and need time to adjust but ex thinks this is unreasonable and I am stopping ds staying with him out of spite.

littlerach Thu 18-Aug-05 09:11:30

We have DH's kids to stay once a month, and he visits them in between.

We used to have them a lot more, usually every othr week, but as they have gotten older they are less interested in coming. They live 80 miles awawy too, so that makes it harder. SS has CP, so it is harder again as he gets heavier to lift.

Before they moved away, we often saw them in the week, plus a weekend overnight. It is important to DH that he maintains ciontact, and that they never think it was them that he left, IYSWIM.
From a stepmum's POV, BM wasn't too happy about them staying the first time, but she had no reason not to trust DH's judgment, and we have no problems with that now.

WRT his flat mate, I'd feel less comfortable if it was a bloke. Maybe he could stay at his parents when he has ds to stay?

Bozza Thu 18-Aug-05 09:21:59

What about a travel cot?

XmariaX Thu 18-Aug-05 09:52:13

hi yeah similar sort of problem but my ex is moving to america to be with his new partner (but he hasnt even met her yet!)

but anyway we was going on about him taking the girls to america but im not happy with it apart from the fact she could be anyone its the fact of having a woman who he left me for looking after my kids and it makes my blood boil but in time it probably will get easier and maybe then it wont get to me as much

i can see ur point but in my situation ex cant do a thing about it because he left the home and the family he cant expect me to stay on my own forever and like i said in the text above its just too sore and hurts too much if i have her anywhere near me or the girls atm

aloha Thu 18-Aug-05 10:02:54

Cots in Ikea are very cheap - or you might be able to borrow one. But he is two and I actually don't think sleeping on a mattress on the floor is that bad - at least he can't fall out! But a little bed of his own would be even better - a special place.
Re the other woman, well, I can certainly understand your feelings, but at the age of two even if this woman is your ex's girlfriend, I really don't think your ds will understand this at all. If she is introduced as Daddy's friend and they aren't actually kissing etc then he will accept that.
Having said that, I completely understand your reluctance to let your son go. I'd probably feel the same. I think going to overnight stays immediately might be a bit fast. How about seeing how the daytime contact goes and move to overnights in a month or two, when you've had time to prepare him and he's been to visit the flat etc.

pesha Thu 18-Aug-05 10:08:59

My xdp and i have been on and off for a long time now but he's never lived with us and we've always remained friends whatever so it hasnt made a big difference to ds but a while ago when he was seeing someone else i said i didnt want her seeing ds until id met her and knew what she was like. I think if someone is spending a significant amount of time with your child, when they're at such a young impressionable age especially, then you have every right to meet them and get to know them and see how they are with your child. Xdp didnt want me to meet her though (think he was worried what i might say!) so he just came here to see them.
When dd's dad wanted to see her after being out her life for a year we met up a few times wiv me dd him and his gf before id let him take her off and i actually felt much happier about him taking her knowing his gf was there, i felt she was a much nicer, more responsible person than he ever was!!

gigglinggoblin Thu 18-Aug-05 10:10:17

if he has ds to stay he should provide a suitable bed (cot or otherwise), food toys - everything he would have at home. sleeping on the floor is not acceptable imo

your ds is so young he probably wont see anything odd about him living with someone else. dp used to have a lodger who had his little girl stay over. she would sleep in his bed in his room and he would sleep on the sofa. i dont think it caused her any issues that her dad had a housemate.

i can understand that you are struggling to come to terms with what has happened. but you are not the only parent ds has and wants and it is not fair on him to restrict contact. it is bad enough if your x thinks you are being spiteful - it will be much worse if your son grows up thinking that. dont think of it as giving something to your x, think of it as giving something to your son. he is bound to be horribly confused by daddy disappearing and its up to you to make this as easy as possible for him (easier said than done, i know)

mumtosomeone Thu 18-Aug-05 10:32:42

this sounds harsh..but you are the adult!
Your child has made no mistakes..dont punish it!

pesha Thu 18-Aug-05 11:08:07

Sorry but it does seem very harsh, i dont know if you've ever been in this situation but it really can be hard and a real struggle just holding it together and i think she has to think of herself too. If this really is too much for her, or anyone else in the same situation, then that in itself is gonna have an impact on the child. You have to stay strong and positive and happy and try and keep things as normal as possible for the child and if all tou feel like doing is crawling into bed and crying then that aint so easy. If she feels she's not ready or cant cope with him going to stay over night at his dads just yet then she shouldn't feel pressured into it cos its his mummy he lives with the rest of the time and if shes not coping then what good is that going to do him? Im not saying i think she should never let him go just that i think theres no problem in taking it slowly. The happier the mummy the happier the child surely.

And sorry benbenandme i dont mean to suggest that you're falling to pieces or anything, theres no suggestion of that in any of your posts that i recall, im just really talking about how it was for me and imagining you might be feeling something similar

Nightynight Thu 18-Aug-05 12:14:12

benben&me - Im divorced too, so have been in similar situation.
My feeling is: your ds wont be confused or hurt by seeing daddy with a female friend, or by going on odd days. He will take his lead from you, and be happy with the situation if you are.

But its totally unacceptable that ds should sleep on the floor at his dad's. Surely dad should give up his bed for his son? If your dx had another baby in the future, it wouldnt be sleeping on the floor, would it?

Also, I would try to establish a routine by which you know your dx's shift patterns in advance, so that you can plan your own nights out. May not seem like a priority now, but it will in a few months!

mumtosomeone Thu 18-Aug-05 12:21:39

I am divorced and noe remarried so I do have experience. I had to put up with my ex slagging off my new partner infront of the children and still hold it together. Never once did I refuse him access to his children. He now has a new partner, I dont really enjoy the children talking about her and seeing her and staying at her house. She has picked them up from here. I let it happen though because my children need to see thir Dad and their Dad has a right to see his children. they go every other weekend and he callsi n if he is in the area! They go on hols sometimes with hm and spen sometime in the school holidays there. Sorry but the children have to come first! imo.

dillydally Thu 18-Aug-05 12:24:24


There are lots of factors that come into play here, distance between the two of you (a long commute is not good for a 2yr old), his experience of being a hands on dad (i've known some great fathers but some lousy ones who can't care for their children correctly) and most importantly the feelings of your DS.

The best advice I can give is start slow and build up depending on how your boy responds.

I would reject overnights completely until a pattern of succesful day visits has been established. This just protects your son from having his heart broken if reality does not match the expectations of the ex.
In my view putting your son first is being an adult and only you (and ex) know your ex and son and what is likely to work best for your family.

No advice re flatmate as this hasnt happeed to me yet, but i would want to meet her.

mumtosomeone Thu 18-Aug-05 12:29:39

I did say in an earlier post to take it steady

dillydally Thu 18-Aug-05 12:32:46

Sorry Mumtosomeone..I'm not having a go

mumtosomeone Thu 18-Aug-05 12:35:54

its ok. I didnt think you were!
I think things need to be taken steady, but you need to look at it from both sides!

XmariaX Thu 18-Aug-05 22:23:22

ok i dont see the fact of keeping another woman from seeing the child/ren as punishing them ok fair enough dads need to have contact but their are ways without having another woman in the picture

benbenandme Fri 19-Aug-05 08:15:17

Thank you all for your help! Rationally I know I need to do what is best for ds and I would never restrict contact with his Dad. He genuinely is fantastic with ds and ds loves him to bits. So far I have let him see ds whenever he has asked (usually only 1 or 2 days notice)because his work pattern is chaotic he can't plan too far ahead and I am trying to accomadate this. Its just that I am not ready for him to be at his flat overnight with another woman there. Maybe that is just me not coming to terms with everything yet, but once I have done so I hope I won't have any problems with letting him stay there. We both agree we want what is best for d but it may just take me some time to get to the stage where I am comfortable letting him stay overnight there. We are going for our first counselling session tonight, I am hoping we can try and salvage something from our relationship, he is hoping we can move on and be friends. Hmm, will let you know how it goes.

mumtosomeone Fri 19-Aug-05 08:19:09

Good luck! Its ahrd but time does help! Go at your pace,BUT talk to him about how you feel about 'the other women' explain that you arent ready for ds to be around her yet! If he wants this to be friendly he will understand! I think some people thought my posts were a bit harsh on you! I just think people forget that Dads are important to kids and our feelings need to be put on one side!

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