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bit freaked out by ex

(25 Posts)
cakenomore Tue 15-Jun-10 22:37:25

just had him round for a chat and a bit worried by his emotional agnst and the things he is talking about. he is madly convinced i have a boyfriend which is completly not true and no male visitors anyway.he says he will maybe never see our kids again talking about moving away. all this is because he is unable to deal with the fact that he cant be with me.

we split over two years ago and he was fine until 16 months then he decided he loved me and has been an absolute nightmare since. he wanted to talk to me because i think he wanted to make me realise how he felt and i dont think the conversation went the way he wanted. i have bit my tounge alot with him before. he got very emotinal and i felt quite vunerable then as he left he kicked something and i feel quite freaked out. he has never been violent and not a violent man but i think he is angry and mad. i am worried about his safety and mine and the childrens, but only in his angry madness,not normally. i think he needs to see a doctor but i think it unlikely that anyone would get to the truth of his problems as he is very convincing. what do i do? oh and he has hidden in my garden at night before. sorry about long post only way to describe enough.

cestlavielife Tue 15-Jun-10 22:50:39

all stuff my exP has said.... not much you cn do except rememebr he is NOT your responsibility any more. his feelings are his problem. cut off completely.

cakenomore Tue 15-Jun-10 23:03:16

you are right it has always panicked me what he would do to himself in this kind of situation - he once shoved a load of pills into his mouth in front of me. so i have spendt years of my life too afraid to stand up for myself or to tell him what i really think of him. i do feel responsible for what i say to him it just panicks me what if he did top himself. i would blame myself, though i suppose thats what he wants me to think.

booyhoo Tue 15-Jun-10 23:06:22

he is trying to manipulate you. he is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants. you owe him nothing. stay away and tell him he needs to get help for his problems, tehy are nothing to do with you.

cakenomore Tue 15-Jun-10 23:18:05

thanks thats what i neded to hear, i had thought that it was about emotinal manipulation and control but he always makes me doubt myself.

1footinfront Tue 15-Jun-10 23:18:27

Did you ask him why he was hiding in your garden?

I have to say this sounds rather intimidating

Love from 1foot

cakenomore Tue 15-Jun-10 23:24:47

the garden incident was a while ago, though i have no idea if he did it again. he said hewas looking to see if i had a bloke over. he is convinced a van parked close to my house is my non existant boyfriends. and said that he saw him coming to my house as he was leaving. bit worried some poor guy who has never even met me will get a load of abuse, and i am worried as i find this all very crazy

cestlavielife Wed 16-Jun-10 09:47:31

keep a log and record of the incidents.

stop having him round - meet only on neurtral ground. in public. give him an inch he will take a mile.

the threats to kill himself are emotional blackmail - if he really wanted to do it, it would be HIS choice and HIS alone.

no one is responsible for another's suicide.

my exP has also threatened many times. i have called police to go check on him - but maintain distance (police told him it was neighbour who called them - which was partly true) - anyway - as on all other occasions he opened the door to police and said he was "fine". so - says he is fine, he is fine.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 16-Jun-10 10:25:28

He will never be so obliging as to kill himself and leave you in peace. Tossers like this never do, they want to keep you running around after them forever.
Treat him with smiling, mildly contemptuous indifference and don't let him in your house. Refuse any discusssion with him that;s not about the DC, and log all incidents of harassment or stupid behaviour. How old are your DC btw? If they are old enough to be upset by odd behaviour from him, you might want to move to supervised contact only - is there a relative or other responsible person who could take charge of the contact?

BTW if he moves to threats against DC (as knobs like this sometimes do) stop all contact immediately and inform the police. Remember the following:
DC have a right to a relationship with their father, but a father's right to a relationship with their DC can be forfeited if his behaviour puts them at serious risk (eg if he is beating them, starving them, or taking them to crack dens when they are in his custody).

No adult has a right to a relationship with another adult so your XP is not entitled to any kind of contact with you if you don't want to see his stupid face again - you can insist that any discussions necessary WRT DC are conducted by email or through a third party. If he persists in trying to harass you he can be arrested and indeed put in prison.

QueenofWhatever Wed 16-Jun-10 21:15:16

Agree, manipulation. Not your responsibility and he won't actually go through with anything. Don't engage.

It's just verrrry boring

HerBeatitude Wed 16-Jun-10 21:20:35

What did he kick on the way out? Did he break it/ damage it?

If so, call the police and have it logged as criminal damage.

Don't stand for this shit. Agree with SGB, these tossers never actually do the decent thing and kill themselves, they keep hanging around here on Planet Earth tormenting women.

If he hides in the garden again, call the police and tell them there's an intruder.

A couple of incidents like this and you can get an injuction out against him.

cakenomore Fri 18-Jun-10 20:54:49

thanks for the replies was too exhausted to reply last few nights.

he kicked the bins so there is no damage. Starting a log tonight, v good idea as he does completly confuse me. only recently he convinced me this is all down to my pmt.

he has threatened to kill me before if i did anything to harm the kids - long crazy story about time when i had man in house in evening and apparently put kids at risk of seeing me being raped, although he was quite happy for me to me alone around this man when we were neighbours. anyway point of story is that he couldent remember saying the threats to me which i find quite scary. its the moments of madness that worry me.

the kids seem to have a good time when they are with him but i never push him to have them when he says he is unable to cope mentally. part of me feels this just an act to try and make me realise how much he is hurting, control me, prevent me from meeting another man and make me vunerable. they are 21 mths and 3 btw. so do notice when he doesnt have them for more than a few weeks, but as they dont go round in his mad depressive times i think they are ok.

i think i might just have to deal with the fact that my children will just have to deal with their fathers lack of commitment and i just have to stay strong and not allow the mind games to affect me.and stop jumping at noises in the night. grrr

yellowishpurple Sat 19-Jun-10 14:27:17

My ex was like this. almost exactly the same. ended up being arrested three times (once for breaking in to the neighbours house and accusing him of having an affair with me and stealing his laptop for "proof").

He threatened to top himself too, but the threats stopped after i said "go on then" and then he left the country.

He flits in and out of the country now only seeing DD sporadically which is hard for her but she truly is better off without someone selfish enough not to care.

And it turns out all the madness was a cause oof a crack habit (which started when i left).

It's easy for people to say he's a tosser and you should call the police etc. It's not an easy thing to do. But it isn't your fault. He does need to start acting like an adult. If your ex is anything like mine, it will ease with time as he realises that you really aren't coming back. In the meantime, as you say you need to stay strong, try and avoid being alone with him and don't push him to see your kids.

cakenomore Sat 19-Jun-10 20:47:51

yellowishpurple - nice to hear someone had the strength to say 'go on then' i have been tempted sooo many times. just too afraid of what if.

pinkheart Sat 19-Jun-10 21:18:53

cakenomore, you could me be posting this! i split with my exdp last year after 13 years. and its been a hell year. he keeps ringing and texting telling me he wishes he didnt wake up in the mornings and is convinved i have a new boyfriend (i havnt and dont want to meet anyone at the moment)but he wont have it, he says he cant afford to give me any financial contribution to our children and is pissed off that my parents are helping me out with things for the house (they lent me some money to have central heating put on as its been freezing and my storage heaters broke down over the winter) he thinks they are only helping me now we have split up and is paranoid they are doing it to rub it in that hes not here any more ( i havnt told them why we split up, as he had an affair and he left and i couldnt face telling them what he had been doing)when my family sent his christmas cards to his new flat, he thought they were all doing it to rub it in that he had moved out and they were laughing at him so he had a go at me for giving them his address to send cards to.
his latest thing is that i was friends with one of his friends on fb and that i must have been having an affair with him (he lives over 300 miles away from us!) he doesnt believe that after 13 years i would be friends with his friends to, thats why i accept his friend request.

i am not brave enough to tell him just go on then and do it when he sending me messages saying he wants to die and theres no point to anything anymore.

i also bite my tongue as i dont dare make him angry as although he has never been violent towards me or the children he does kick and punch doors and shout and swear. both his parents died before he was 28 (now 32)and he feels like every one owes his something. i did tell him that other peoples parents die and they dont all go off the rails like he has and blame their mistakes on their past. (he has been drinking a lot and smoking pot (i think))

anyway, i just wanted to say that i can almost know what your feeling and going through. MEN!!!

cakenomore Sat 19-Jun-10 22:17:22

crazy men! its so sad how many amazing strong women get put through the mill by a man. good luck with things pinkheart it sounds very stressful and difficult. just so hard trying to break away from the cycle of manipulation, i was with ex from 18 (and he was 42 so i was easilly controlled) for 8 years and we have been split up over 2, so it is all of my adult life and a long habit to break from. just have to do it because otherwise i know i will just melt with all the stress.

aurorastargazer Sat 20-Nov-10 20:32:21

((((((((((())))))))) to all of you xx
it can be hard but know that you have made the right decison, a manipulative man whatever he may say does NOT respect you or love you as a good man will. men like that do not like you standing up to them but be consistent don't let him walk all over you, you will feel good about yourself every time you stand up to them. i am a lp of three years stadning adn let me tell you there have been times that i have wondered if i made the right deciison in leaving dd's dad but every time he bad mouthed me to dd, every time he let her down, every time he was verbally abusive adn got arrested for harrassment through constant texting, i used each occasion to remind me that i did make the right decsion.

it is hard calling the police, i've been there and it felt very didloyal but what you have to try and remember sweetheart, those are memories of what you hoped thigns would be like, not what they are now. get things logged and keep diary to help you.

things do get better i know it is a cliche but they do. if you had said to me three months ago that i would meet the man of my dreams, have an older brother for dd, and that we would be living together within a year i would have laughed at you. i have now met a wonderful man, we will be moving in together when i get a job and can stop my is, and we will eventually get married. we have a wonderful blended family with two children between us - it will be very cramped and chaotic but i couldn't want for naything else smile

aurorastargazer Sat 20-Nov-10 20:39:51


bit of time difference between posts but i hope thigns are getting better for you xx

Allalone0 Sun 21-Nov-10 15:09:40

Aurora you are Soooo right...:-)

I have also doubted whether or not life would be just a whole damn site easier if i just let him back in.

But when he treats me the way he does and speaks to me like im shit.....I KNOW then that I have made the right decision. Cos thats how i was treated when i was living with him.

And Im still being treated like that. So nothings really changed in terms of what he thinks of me.

I did feel and still do find it hard to get the police involved. I feel like im being disloyal. Especially when he has harrassed me accusing me of getting the Social Worker onto him.

HecateQueenOfWitches Sun 21-Nov-10 15:12:43

Control. He can't stand the thought of you having any sort of life.

You were probably supposed to love him forever and beg him daily to come back to you.

Allalone0 Sun 21-Nov-10 15:21:54

Going back to the threats that they will kill themselves. I used to get really freaked out when he would say that to me. It actually started almost soon after we got married. Iwas 19 at the time.

I would beg him and plead with him not to do such a thing. I would feel so so bad about it and believed that it was my fault and that i must be such a bad person to live with that he wants to kill himself. Just to get away from me....:-(

It really killed me inside, what little spirit i had inside.

It was only years later that I became fed up and one day turned around and said 'Go on then'. Amazing how the threats stopped after that until last year.

When he swerved his work van into the next lane on a busy dual carriage-way. He was fine. Police questioned him and didnt seem to believe him. I had the perfect opportunity to tell them what really happened but didnt.

He was upset that i didnt ask if he was ok or not, after what had happened i.e. that he had tried to kill himself.
My answer to that was that people who really intend on killing themselves do it in a secluded place not in a busy place where someone can come and rescue them. And they also make sure they do it properly.....

Allalone0 Sun 21-Nov-10 15:24:52

Hecate...Yes I guess I was supposed to be the Loyal and Obedient wife all throughout my life. Strange how those conditions dont seem to apply to him.....

aurorastargazer Tue 30-Nov-10 11:19:51

it always seems to one rule for us and another entirely different rule for x's once they realise that we can cope without them

TrappedinSuburbia Tue 30-Nov-10 12:19:32

Don't let him in your house anymore.

I would inform the police now of his past behaviour. Tell him AFTER you have done this.

I would be looking into a restraining thingy (thats just me though)

Tell him if he threatens to top himself, 'well, thats your choice'.

I would also inform him, if you did have a boyfriend it would be none of his business.

I can't stand this emotional manipulation, christ tell him to FOOOK OFFF !

notsohotchic Wed 01-Dec-10 14:56:15

god these guys sound similar to my loony ex. He sent a text to his mother and present g.f a few months ago saying 'dead soon'. TBH I wish he WAS, then we could all get on with our lives. At the moment I am desperately trying to get the childrens passports from him in time for a christmas holiday I have booked. He has broken agreements to hand them over 3 times.
His main problem is my boyfriend. If I had stayed single (he's allowed gf's but I have to be single) he would be being a lot more reasonable. He has become an alcoholic since I started seeing someone, 1.5 years after our split. I think it's going to kill him but just not quickly. All because he can't accept that I have moved on. We split 3.5 years ago now, FFS!! He has had at least 3 gf's !
Sure, it is sad our family life ended in some ways: fairly happy holidays, convenience etc. But HE is the one who slept with someone else and also emotionally abused and manipulated me, I realised in the months after separation. And I could never go back to that. I think it began to happen in really subtle ways. Its hard enough to bring up 3 babies/ young children and I guess I had 'baby-brain'. He was in a position of great power, being the successful breadwinner, not isolated like me... I can't believe what I put up with now. Men like this should carry health warnings. Is there a website out there for that? Potential partners need rating!?

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