Considering divorce - help!

[notsosure]

I am so glad I found this website.

I posted this problem on a different thread earlier on this evening too.

I have been with my partner for 13 years, 2 of which married and with my absolutely wonderful dd.
I am considering divorce, as the relationship seems loveless, too much hassle and making me lose my confidence.
I am so woried about my daughter and money (probably in that order).
DD is 23 months and loves her father to death.
We moved to be near to my husband's parents 5 years ago and I have made many friends here.
My question is:
Should I think about moving away from my husband when we divorce and live neaer to my family?
Would that be fair on DD?
Would DD cope?

What are your experiences, girls?

[Caligula]

Yes. Happy mummy = happy child. In general. Obviously that isn't always the case, but if you live in an area where you feel unsupported and isolated, that is going to put you under stress and that's not going to be good for her at all.

I moved when I split up with my ex. My ds was about 30 months. He was fine with it, but I was on maternity leave, so spent a huge amount of extra time with him, which may have helped to reassure him.

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hi there notsosure this is a tough one..I am happily married but have been pondering on what you have said and wonder what I would do if I where in your position. Will you have lots of help where you are..from your husbands family (even if you are not together) and from the friends you have made??? I know you said your dd dotes on her dad that is great but also you have to think of yourself and what is best for you and your feelings in the end...your dd is 23 months and if you wanted to move nearer to YOUR family she would eventualy adapt to this......hope all works out ok for you

[notsosure]

HiDukesofHazzardMum

My husband's family do not help now and I don't see that changing (mother-in-law from hell )

The friends I have made here all have young children like me (except one friend).

There is a good social scene here for mums in the day, and us mums occassionally go out at night. I don't get "help" from them, other than social support. (dd goes to nursery 2 morningds a week, which is great for meto get my things done without havung a toddler in toe)

I'll have to write when dh isn't around,(he's lurking in the nackground) but that's the basics

notsosure

[DukesofHazzardMum]

Hi there notsosure just wanting to let you know got your post but trying to get my 7 year old dd to bed so will post later....take care of you

[notsosure]

Hi DOH
Just got back from a weekend away with my best female friend.
Not sure I have made any decisions, other than if we did separate it would be difficult enough, so I';d probably live nearer to my family. I have 4 sisters, 3 of whom live near to my psrents, so there's my support.

Must dash as dd is crying.
Bye for now

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hi notsosure I hope that you had a nice weekend. Did it make you feel any better being away from it all??

[notsosure]

Hi DOH

Yes - it was nice being with my friend and having a "girly" time.

I have been back 9 hours and I find myself getting agitated with dh and dd.
I was horrid to dd tonight when she wouldn;t let me clean her teeth and threw water in her face when she wouldn;t let me rinse out her teeth.
I feel so mean. I've never done that before.
I just do not feel myself at all. I suppose I know so much is at stake and the stress is enormous.
I suppose beng aware of the stress is a start.
I have to be kind to myself and everyone else and take little steps rather than be scared of the "bigger picture".
It's a horrid place to be and I hate myself for taking it out on my little darling daughter.
I must learn from it.

Thanks for your interest.

NSS

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hey there notsosure.......glad you had a good time with your friend sounds like you needed it. But now you home....things are back to normal routine. You are going through a hard time and a tough decision please do not feel too hard on yourself.....you are only human and you know yourself that you would not normally behave that way towards your dd so do not beat yourself up about it okay.......you are about to make a big desicion which will affect both you and dd so go easy on yourself okay

[notsosure]

Dear Dukesofhazzardmum

Thank you for making me feel better.
I feel so much in limbo. Things with Dh on the surface seem fairly OK, but I know we have big discussions on the way and big decisions to follow (good or bad).
We can't bury our heads in the sand for any longer.
I just can't face anything tonight.
I feel drained from the physical and mental return home and shocked by what I have been like to DD.
I'll say good night for now.
notsosure

By the way, how many children do you have? Are they well?

[DukesofHazzardMum]

Hi there notsosure....hey you need making feel better....you and dh need to talk and whether good or bad you need to, things will seem in limbo but you need to talk it through whether you two decide to end your marriage...or not....def you hit nail on head you cannot bury your head any longer okay you need to talk so talk to him okay and make it a night where nothing is happening..put dd up to bed early and sit down and chat and say how you feel.
I am not surprised you feel drained I cannot imagine what you are going through right now and the way you were with DD do..like I said do not beat yourself up you are having hard time okay...you did nothing wrong but get frustrated about what is happening.....totaly understanable...

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hi there again notsosure..I know that you prob not supposed to do this but my email is [email protected] so give me a mail okay and we can talk further if you want...take care x

[Carla]

nss, why can't you separate?

[DukesofHazzardMum]

good post Carla

[notsosure]

Hi Carla and DukesofHazzard Mum

That is a big question. Scary.

I am scared to separate as it seems such an enormous decision.

Because we moved to this part of the country 5 years ago, and I am not near my own family and friends I feel paralysed by the "practical" decisions about where we should move to in an interim period, let alone long term.

I have taken a long time to build a life here and now I don't know where "home" is anymore.

I am worried that I won't make the best decision for dd and for dh's and my future.

I am a coward and I am in limbo.

I haven't been employed since dd was born, although dh and I run a business from home, and have a relatively nice life with dd, getting involved in her activities. I know if we separate I would probably have to work full-time and not see dd so much.

All this seems very shallow, but any change woud be such a downward spiral financially, but I know that our marriage is far from ideal.

I suppose I do not want to put the wheels of change in motion yet, as any change may be irreversible. I guess I'm hoping things aren't "that bad".

I have not looked into divorce and separation in great detail. It's a thing my family don't do. They all grin and bear it (apart from a cousin who divorced by his "bad" wife).

I suppose I need to look into the above and see what is involved.

I am alone for 2 days now. dh has taken dd away camping . He suddenly announced at 1pm that he was going to go on his own camping with an old female friend and her 2 kids and a French man. They happened to be coming camping in this area .
I wasn't invited when dh was going to go on his own camping. DD played well with his friend's daughters, so I thought it woud be good for dd. Now I'm really missing dd as I have just got back from a day trip.

Silly buggar, aren't I?

[notsosure]

I should have said in my last post that dh is good frinds with this lady and her partner. They are just friends. I know that.

[notsosure]

I have read up on separation and divorce on the Intenet and I'm left quite stunned at how unfair the law can be ie that the person who petitions does not have to pay the legal cost, and that the woman doesn't automatically get custody (and that "custody" no longer exists etc, etc.

I've decided to lay off the computer for tonight and do some chores instead.

I have spoken to dh this evening and we were actually nice to each other for a change.

I'm going to see dd tomorrow evening and we shall definitely be going out for the day on Thursday, as I have missed her so much this evening.

This is the first evening I have had without the two of them since dd was born. It seems really weird and sad. I just about managed to make a meal for myself, but it doesn't seem right without my dd.
I did speak to her on the phone for the first time too (I got her to recite the sounds that animals make - bless!)

Night, night!

[teddi7]

Hi notsosure

I don't know if it's any help, but you are not alone in being in limbo. And you are not a coward. What you are contemplating is one of the most difficult and stressful things that can happen to anyone.

Ex-dh moved out in January, although things had been wrong between us for a long time. If I had been less of "a coward" I'd have called a halt sooner - it was finding out he'd had an affair that did it for us. But like you I kept telling myself it was not "that bad". It is not an easy decision to make whether you just separate or go for the whole divorce thing. I have been horrid to my DD too as a result of the stress. But I doubt if there is anyone posting on this site who has never been horrid to their DD/DS at some time. So do not be too hard on yourself. It's the whole mum package that matters not just the odd time that you lose it with her.

I have looked into the legal side of divorce a bit, so if you want to CAT me please do and I can tell you what I know. The only other thing I can say is what friends who have been through similar things keep telling me - that it is very hard and very painful but IT WILL GET BETTER. Hope this is of some use

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hi notsosure you are not silly you are having to decide whether or not to make a very tough decision about your family which will affect you all......so do not apologise. Glad to hear your evening was not too bad tonight......take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself

[teddi7]

Hi again notsosure

my first post obviously crossed with yours. Glad you had a better evening. Sleep well

[notsosure]

Dear DukesofHazzardMum and Teddi7

I couldn't resist a peak at the computer before I went to bed

Thank you so much for your replies.
I appreciate your help very much.

I know I have to be brave and talk to dh about our relationship, which I shall do.

I feel stronger having started to look at the legal side of divorce and separation, so I can make an informed choice. (I only looked at one solicitor's website which seemed to have a basic summary of the above ).
I do need to be "in the know" though, as I always feel in a stronger position then.

I am worried about how dh will act in a divorce, as he is very secretive about his finances and very good at lying. I've seen lots of evidence of this in my 13 year relationship with him.

I tried looking at his computer (yes we even have separate computers) to see if he had been looking up divorce on the Internet, but just found some porno-weird stuff - a bit shocking some of it. How desparate am I snooping around?

An important thing I want to do is to try and remain civil and on good terms throughout the divorce (if we go down that route) . Our current relationship is improving a bit now the heat is off and we're contemplating. I just want the best for our dd. I feel so, so sorry for her. I come from a large family snd she will be an only chuld with separate/divorced parents. We both do love her so much. I wish we could make it work, (but that cannot come from just me alone, I know that)

Teddi7 - I will take you up on your offer of help in info. on divorce. I'll post again tomorrow.

DukesofHazzardMum - thanks for your support.

I'll sleep better now.

[notsosure]

Teddi7

I meant to ask - are you separated now?
Do you have children? If so, what arrangements have you made about parental rights?
Do you plan to divorce?
Did you stay in the same area as you lived before?
Gosh it's a lot of change to cope with isn't it?
Questions, questions.......

[DukesofHazzardMum]

hi notsosure, always here okay, am so glad you are feeling a bit better about it, it is a hard decision to make and one that should not be taken lightly. On the subject of you snooping, it is a natural thing to do when we feel things are not right....so do not feel guilty...I WOULD DO THE SAME HONEST...you went looking and maybe did not know whether or not you would find anything but you did and I can only try to understand how you are feeling about it....but we are only human and all have natural instincts when we know things are not right so do not feel guilty okay.....take care okay.

[notsosure]

Dukesofhazzardmum

I'll email you, as I wantto keep some of this off the net.
notsosure

[notsosure]

Hi

I am going to ring The Citizens Advice Bureau to make an appointment to see a solicitor for a free appointmnent to discuss my options.

Can I ask do you have to have counselling now before you petition for divorce?

Is there a minimum separation period you have to have before you petition?

Any other info. greatfuly received

notsosure

[teddi7]

Hi notsosure

Yes we are separated- exDH moved out in January. It looked as if we might get back together for a while- we tried counselling-long story short, it is over. But neither of us has had the courage to initiate divorce proceedings yet. We have one dd who is 8. She sees her Dad regularly as he is living nearby. We will have to sell the house DD and me live in when we divorce, but we will not move out of local area. But I have only worked a little since she was born, lost all confidence etc, so need to make steps towards that.

In answer to your questions, there is no need for counselling before divorce, and no set time period before you petition. But if you petition before you are separated for 2 years you have to have grounds e.g. adultery, unreasonable behaviour etc. After two years you can go for "no fault" divorce which means you do not need to give specific reasons. PLEASE CHECK ALL THIS WITH SOLICITOR AS I AM NOT ONE.

What you found on the PC may be grounds. I agree with dukesofhazzard mum - take care if you keep looking, but I do not think you are doing anything wrong. When you see solicitor make sure you raise PC stuff and DH's secrecy with £s.

Please CAT me if you want to talk more. I am not feeling brave enough to be identified on MN like dofh mum so would rather not put my e-mail address on. Hope you enjoy return of DD. xxx