Fling & Now Pregnant....advice please

[Mojomummy]

my friend had a fling with this chap & now she is pregnant. I am also pregnant but planned to be & very happy with it.

Friend is nearly 36, single & works full-time with only cousins nearby.

She is weighing up pros & cons of becoming a single parent or having an abortion.

Can anyone share their experiences/opinions of this situation ?

[chloemummy]

Hi Mojomummy,

I had a fling and became pregnant and I was the same age as your friend. I also did not have any family to fall back on to help me.

I went ahead with the pregnancy and my daughter now is nearly 5. I do not regret that decision. Initially I was going to have an abortion and my doctor said to me "do you want children". I said I had not thought about it for a long time and he told me I had better start thinking about it. Nobody has a crystal ball and if your friend seriously wants children then if she terminates this pregnancy then she may well not fall pregnant in her life again.

Being a lone parent is very tough and you have no time for yourself initially. I walked into town 2 days after giving birth with second degree tears as I had nobody to even shop for food!

Anyway for what it is worth, I do not regret my decision.

[mommie]

i think being a single parent is the hardest thing in the world, second only to wanting children and not being able to have them.
if your friend ever finds out (after having an abortion) that she cannot have any more children, will she live a life full of regret and recrimination? that would be truly excruciating. (so are children, but in a better way!) Am with chloemummy on this one.

[weesaidie]

My boyfriend didn't want our baby when I got pregnant and I knew if I didn't have an abortion it would be the end of us.

I chose to have my baby and now have a 16 month old dd. Her father and I are now friends and he is a good father.

Still I have a lot of family close by (and her dad of course although I was never sure of that until the end of my pregnancy!) who are very helpful and supportive.

Basically it was a very hard decision but in the end I knew deep down what I really wanted and went with that. Maybe your friend knows too. With pregnancy it is so difficult to weigh pros and cons because there are so many emotions involved!

I hope your friend is okay and makes the decision that is right for her.

[Tinker]

Was in similar position. Think you can make as many pros and cons lists as you like but eventually instinct takes over. Maybe she could think how she'll feel in a year or two if that makes deciding any easier.

[tribpot]

A friend of mine had a fling last year and had a baby boy last December. I know she agonised over which decision to make.

I don't think she regrets anything about it now, although again she has family nearby to help out and lives in Sweden so won't be going back to work after maternity leave until after me, despite my ds being six months younger than hers!

The dad in this case was involved with someone else, and so there have been a lot of recriminations and bad feelings, which have made things harder for my friend than they should have been, in my view. If your friend's fling bloke is definitely not going to be involved (does he even know?) that's probably easier than dealing with someone who kept changing his mind, eventually said yes he would be involved, and then backed off at light speed once the baby was born.

But I think your friend does need to think carefully about what changes she might need to make, i.e. is moving to work closer to where family live an option? I desperately wish I were nearer to my Mum just now and I have a full-time SAHD to help me.

As weesaidie says, I hope your friend makes the decision that's right for her.

[babysteffee]

Hardly anyone regrets having their children no matter how they felt when finding out they're pregnant, but many people regret terminating their pregnancies, whether or not go on to have more children. Saying that, there are exceptions to every rule, and really she has to do what she feels is right.

I found out I was pg with ds1 at 21 weeks and couldn't consider a termination that late. But, if I'd found out at 8 weeks or so, I truly feel I would not have continued with the pg - as sad as that sounds. I was 19 and single. I don't have any regrets but considered terminating the pg with ds2 too, because I already had two under three's when I was pg with him. I don't regret that either.

But everyone is different.

[Mojomummy]

Hi there, thanks for sharing your experiences.

She is coming to visit me tomorrow, so I will try to remember what you have all said. She was all set to have an abortion, but the nurse at the clinic asked her whether she wanted children, which has turned it all around for her.

I'm just trying to help her know what the effects of the options are.

The guy doesn't know, he has 2 children with an ex-partner & apparently isn't good with maintenance. I'm not sure if she will tell him if she decides to go ahead.

I think her other concern is how she would cope. Her mum died nearly 10 yrs ago & her dad lives far away.

She has her own house, so if she didn't work, would she have to sell her house, would benefits cover her mortgage etc etc ? If she worked part-time & would she get additional financial help ? Part-time wages would be about £8k a year approx

[FionaJT]

Hi, can't help with your specific benefits questions, but I was/am in a similar position - my dd is now 7 months. I would agree that you must go with your instinct and sort out practicalities afterwards, and often the hardest bit is admitting to yourself what you really want (rather than what you think you should want, or what is most sensible etc).
I seriously considered an abortion and was under a lot of pressure from dd's father to have one, but in the end it really came down to the fact that, however difficult things are, I didn't feel I would ever truly regret having a child, whereas there's a high chance I would've ended up regretting an abortion.
I have given up my job and moved back to be near my family, and I am getting a lot of help from them (dd's father is not involved). Starting again here is going to be a slow process, but I am sure that I made the right decision.

[LittleMissNaughty]

My friend had a one-night-stand and got pregnant as a result of it. She now has a beautiful 2 year old girl and is so happy. When she first found out, she was actually delighted and couldn't wait to be a mum even if she would be alone.

She actually sees the father and he is not interested at all. He hasn't paid a penny in maintenance. However, she has managed to get housing benefit and income support from the government so she does manage. A single mother is entitled to lots of benefits.

[LittleMissNaughty]

Sorry I meant to say 'she sees the father around'.

[piffle]

I had ds wwith a fling but the man concerned stood by me, but even had he not I would have made the same decision
I have also had a termination although the circumstances were VERY different
If she has a good job, and a route back to work, some good friends she can cerainly rise a child well and not suffer too much financially.
I think you should encourage her to follow what she feels would suit her best to be honest, implicating yourself in her decision can be counter productive
Good luck with what ever she decides

[Janh]

As far as money is concerned, there is a lot of financial help now for parents on low incomes - working families tax credit and help with childcare costs for a start, not sure about help with housing costs - they have a lot of this information at jobcentres (I have been googling but can't find one site with all the inf, looking for the wrong thing probably).

Good luck to her anyway

[Janh]

Oooh, try this site - money matters to me, a practical guide to family finance . Lots of links, esp to the CAB, which would be a good place for her to go too.

[Caligula]

Mojomummy on a wage of £8K she would get income support and after 9 months, help with her mortgage. She would also get Child Tax Credits and Working Tax Credits if she were working a minimum of 16 hours a week. She would also get 70% of her childcare costs (irrespective of how many hours she booked).

Having a life change is scarey. But ime, women who genuinely want abortions, don't need to weigh up the pros and cons - they know they absolutely can't have this baby, and they go and do it. If she's humming and hawing, she probably wants it, but knows that she's going to have to make enormous changes to have it, so she's scared. Understandably.

[Creole]

Another good website for lone parents is www.gingerbread.org.uk
Has a lot of information in there.