Contacting ex-p

[BlueEmu]

I was wondering if any of you kind ladies could help me out with regard to contacting an ex-partner? We (myself and ds who's 2) haven't seen him for about a year now as he moved away from the area without leaving any forwarding address, phone no, nothing. I have recently been given some contact details and want to get in touch to try and arrange some form of contact and support for our ds.

I'm actually feeling quite nervous for some reason at the thought of contacting him and am totally unsure of how to word the letter. (I'm trying oh so hard to be civil and nice!)

Any advice would be gratefully received and I hope this makes sense/haven't been too vague as I'm new(ish)

[Niceguy2]

I'm not a lady but I would ask the following questions:

He presumably knew where you both lived yes? If so, what's stopped him from contacting you and leaving his forwarding details?

The only logical explanation is that he doesn't want contact. In which case what are you hoping to achieve by contacting him?

To be blunt, I can't see this ending well.

[MollieO]

I am a lady and I have to say I agree with Niceguy. Ds's dad has no contact with him. We haven't moved/changed contact details so if his dad did want to see him he could get in touch. I haven't pursued it either (despite lots and lots of questions from ds about his dad which started when he was 2 and continue now he is nearly 6).

Main reason is that I have brought up ds single handedly and I am proud of the job I have done and am doing. Ds's dad wasn't the man I thought he was and honestly I don't want him having any influence on ds (I reckon it would mostly be negative). Instead I ensure ds has other more suitable male role models (male school teachers, friends' husbands, godfather etc).

You really have to think about what you want to achieve in making contact. The fact that your ex moved away without telling you doesn't sound promising to me.

[gillybean2]

Why are you trying to contact him? Financial and/or to have a relationship with your ds? What is it you need from him or has it been prompted by your ds?

If financial I suggest you go the CSA route
If emotional (as others have said) he is unlikely to want a relationship if he has cut himself off from your ds this much.

My ds's father didn't want anything to do with him, vanished out of our lives before he was even born saying not ready to be a father. I thought in time he would grow up realise and come around, but that was because I thought he must be a decent person somewhere inside.
My ds started asking a lot of questions a couple of years ago, and so after around 9 years of nothing from him I wrote and explained how ds was feeling and asked if he was ready now to reconsider his decision (not to have any contact) given that my/his son was asking about him. His response was no. I asked him what he would like me to tell ds about him and his response was 'I'll leave that to you, you know his temperment'. Like he was some kind of pet dog or something!

Is there anything that makes you believe he would want to resume a relationship with your ds at this point? Why do you feel you need to contact him? Has something changed with you or your ds that might make him reconsider his vanishing act?

[BlueEmu]

Sorry Niceguy, thanks for your reply (everyone) . He does know where we live, and other family members so there's no excuse for him really.

The main reason I want to get something sorted is because we'll be moving as well soon. I suppose I wanted to do the right thing (in my mind) and at least let him know that his son will soon have a new step-dad and will be living elsewhere.

If he wants no contact then at least I can say I made one last attempt?

Financially it'd help, obviously, but we've survived this long without him...

Sorry Gillybean but "you know his temperment" made me laugh a bit, what an idiot (him obv.).

[cestlavielife]

all you should do is send a note (same as you send to anyone) saying "we have moved here is our new address" . that is all.

no need to tell him anything about your life - if he was interested in his son he would have contacted you.