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are dd and I too isolated?

(14 Posts)
Caththerese1973 Thu 04-Aug-05 15:53:54

I am single and have a 2.5 dd. I am the primary carer. dd goes to visit her father two days a week - but not for the whole day. I suspect that he likes to see her but can't be bothered putting in serious time...too much like hard work. (sorry if I sound embittered). I live in a remote place and it is hard to visit my friends: actually, I don't feel like I have many friends anymore. Friendships are so hard to maintain in my circumstances. I can't ask people to visit because I feel embarassed about living so far away: I can't go out to the pub or whatever because I am always in charge of my daughter at night. A boyfriend would be unimaginable for me at the moment. But I am still quite young (32) and the idea of never having romance in my life again is pretty depressing.
I feel crappy and rather pretentious saying this, but I am a teacher and an aspiring writer and feel like I need one day a week off so I can write and plan lessons and and talk to grown ups (on the phone at least) without having simultaneously to pretend to be a kangaroo, or whatever.
You know what I am saying?
My little gal and I are becoming quite symbiotic, it is a little crazy. We sleep in the same bed (she never goes overnight to anyone else's house) and watch a lot of tv together (she climbs inside my dressing gown and peeks out at Noddy and Postman Pat and gets really distressed if I try to make a cup of coffee!.) And yes, we play and learn (she can already write an 'H' for Hannah, clever girl!) do decent things like go to the park etc, but I am so tired that a lot of the time we are just in the house pottering.We even have our own little language - I spend so much time with her that I tend to talk in baby talk without even realising I am doing it.
I guess what I am saying in a roundabout way is that perhaps I should put her in daycare one day a week. Not because I can't handle her, or want to get rid of her, but I worry about her becoming too dependent on me. And there is also the issue of when can I get my lessons ready?
What do other single parents think?

hercules Thu 04-Aug-05 15:55:50

I'm not single but I dont see any harm in putting her to day care.

dillydally Thu 04-Aug-05 15:59:10

I am single, have a nearly 2 yr old DD, i work full time and I seriously doubt I will ever be in a relationship again if current trends continue.

DD goes to nursery 3 days a week and she loves it and I never feel our relationshp is damaged/weakened by this.

I would say that some people find that only doing one day a week might be unsettling (i stress I am no expert), perhaps two days or two / three mornings is sometimes easier.

WigWamBam Thu 04-Aug-05 15:59:31

I'm not single either, but being at home all day with my dd left me with similar feelings of isolation and of becoming symbiotic. I resisted the urge to put her into daycare until she was 3, but I wish now that I had sent her before. She only went for a couple of afternoons a week to start with, but honestly it was the best thing I could possibly have done.

It will be good for her to start interacting with other people and getting experience of things away from you. Do it - it will do you both a power of good.

Windermere Thu 04-Aug-05 16:29:16

I agree with the comments already made, it will do you both you the world of good and 2.5 is a good age for nursery.

lucy5 Thu 04-Aug-05 16:32:48

We all need space, some more than others, im not single but I crave time on my own. It will do the pair of you good.

HappyMumof2 Thu 04-Aug-05 21:53:10

Message withdrawn

snafu Thu 04-Aug-05 22:01:08

Caththerese, I think daycare sounds like a greta idea, but I would do more than just 1 day a week for continuity's sake. As others have said, she may not get very much out of it (and find it harder to settle) if she's only doing one day. Maybe three afternoons, or something like that?

I'm single, and feeling very much like you. Ds and I are very close and I do worry that sometimes we're too close (sounds ridiculous really, doesn't it?) - co-sleeping quite often, for example, and he can be quite clingy. I think once they hit 2 years it's great for them to be out and spending time with other children and other adults. DS will be going to a childminder from Sept (more fulltime than I'd like but no option) and I think he will do fine once he settles - and I will be much happier with a bit of a life of my own again. I would say, go for it and don't feel guilty.

(As for the relationship front - ha! Lucky that celibacy is fashionable these days, that's all I can say! )

Chandra Thu 04-Aug-05 22:33:22

Second the idea of day care, it helps loads for socialisation (we have a similar problem, all our family is abroad and I don't have any friends the age of DS (2.5 as well where did you say you are located? )

loupylou Sun 07-Aug-05 22:43:50

I'm single mum to 2.5 yr old, she does two days at nursery, just because she wanted to go to school and i felt mixing with others was good for her. We also attend the local parent toddler group, but it's hard as everyone knows each other and i work shifts and can't make it every week. My mum has her when i'm at work on non-nursery days. I'd let your little one do a couple of days at nursery, then make the most of it to go to the hairdressers or do mummy things. You'll enjoy it too and she'll have things to tell you about when you pick her up.

Lizita Sun 07-Aug-05 23:05:25

I feel for you Caththerese. I have wondered exactly the same thing about myself & my dd, though I know I am so much luckier as in having friends & family nearby who can help me out.
I would def put her into day care for however many days/half days you think appropriate. I would do the same with my dd if i could afford it- in fact I'm going to look into doing a course partly to help with my future work wise & partly to introduce dd to the wider world more and get her used to be cared for by people other than me. So I'd say, go for it.

You say you're a teacher, does that mean you're working? Where is your dd when you're working?

Oh and about your friends coming to visit - it's funny but I see a lot less of my friends than I'd like (and when i do it's usually with dd) because I feel bad asking them to come over to mine, even though none of them live very far away! And they're probably thinking behind my back, why doesn't she want to spend time with us any more? It was similar to asking for help, I hate asking for help too. I think we've got to get rid of the guilt and do what is best for ourselves/what is necessary. Your friends would surely understand and be happy to come and see you? - although, how far away are they? I might be talking rubbish if they're in a whole other country!!

FWIW, I think your relationship with your dd sounds lovely. It sounds as if you are happy to be that way with her. I have been more militant in keeping my dd at arm's length in comparison, (she was also very very clingy) precisely for the same concerns you are speaking of actually, but also because I really needed my own space. I think though perhaps our worries about our children becoming too dependent are unfounded - you are giving her a secure, loving foundation that is going to hold her in very good stead in later life i'm sure.

Chin up!

pinkmamma Mon 08-Aug-05 21:15:07

I am single mum to one DS aged 3, he goes to nursery 2, sometimes 3 afternoons a week - he loves it. Kids just love to be with other kids -IMO.
It is also really important to have time to yourself - I felt I needed that to remember who I was!! A good nursery will work with you to introduce day care to her - a couple of hours to start with, and build up as you and she feel ready. Good luck

weesaidie Mon 08-Aug-05 21:47:42


My dd (16 months) will be going to nursery part time in two months as I go back to uni and altho I cannot wait there is a part of me that is gutted to be losing all the time we have been able to spend together!

She could be there max 4 days a week (depending on timetable) and what with visiting her dad 2 nights a week or so I feel as if I will hardly see her!

I know I will but it won't be the same (get the violins out please).

On the other hand I am really looking forward to Uni and not being a mummy 24/7. I think it will be good for dd to meet some other toddlers too as I don't have many mummy friends. She is very independent (due to a lot of moving around I think!) so I am sure she will adapt far easier than me!

So. Yes, I think that putting your dd into daycare could do both of you the world of good!

notsosure Wed 10-Aug-05 07:45:51


Sounds like you've had enough of cebeebies (yes - I know all thesongs too

I would definitely put her into childcare. My dd is 23 months and she has been going to nursery since she was 10 months old. It has been very good for her socially, particularly with mixing well with other children and her ability to sit down and eat with other children. (She is an only child)

All I would say is to introduce it gradually though. Go with her for some/all of the 1st time and start off with maybe a couple of hours per session.

DD now goes for 2 mornings a week (4 hours at a time) including lunch. She then has a bottle of milk on the way home and sleeps for up to an hour and a half! So I have most of the day to myself to get organised ie I pick her up from nursery at 1pm and then she may not wake from her nap until 3pm. Bargain! Just £32 a weeek. Definitely worth it.

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