How do you come to terms with a father not wanting anything to do with your child?

[RedHairedGirlie]

I have been a single mum since my daughter was born, and DDs father has never had any contact with her other than an hour visit when she was 5 months old. DD has just recently turned 1 and I am still struggling with trying to understand how any parent can ignore that they have a child, and especially when they have another child they do have a relationship with.

I have no feelings for the father (other than contempt and disgust most of the time), and our contact since pregnancy has been few and far between and on occasion not very pleasant, but he is the father of my DD and I can't change it. Common sense (and friends) tell me that we (she) is better off without him on the scene, but there is just a niggling something that struggles to accept he does not want to know her.

I know there are many many many people in the same situation, some maybe with feelings of relief that the father is absent and not involved, and others perhaps like myself wondering how someone could just simply ignore such a precious life.

I know this is something that I have to come to terms with and hope in time the feelings get less and less, but some days i just feel like I can't make sense of it all...

I'd just like to hear how others have managed to come to terms with such a situation and that it does get easier to accept and live with in time.

[ninah]

With me I just kept reminding myself that my relationship with my dc was mine, and his was his, and his relationship with his dc was his resonsibility not mine
Otherwise it will drive you crazy
you have to let go any feeling of responsibility for his lack of input
I know it hurts
my ex did not see dc for the first year
now he does, but recently threatened to reduce contact so i had to do the deep breathing stuff again
children can have a happy family life without a dad remember, despite what you see in the media

[maristella]

RHG i saw your post on the other thread - what a shit he is
i have come to terms with the fact, although it hurts me badly that he has hurt my child by rejecting him so cruelly. i had to come to terms with his actions as the situation had all but eaten me up.
that doesn't mean my ds has come to terms with it at all. he is starting another round of counselling to help him with this.
i have explained that his father would have behaved in the same way no matter what ds was like, the outcome was not a result of who or what ds is; the outcome was a result of my ex's inability to co-parent with me outside of the reltaionship.
i feel so angry for all the children who have been rejected in this way; some people have no idea of the harm they do to their children. i think my ex assumes that because i will look after all his needs it's all ok, but it's not. ds knows he has been rejected and that really hurts him

[RedHairedGirlie]

Thanks for the replies - I think I just need to get focussed and learn to not let these feelings eat me up inside.

[nixnjj]

I haven't really posted on here before but this struck a chord. My lad is 5 now and x saw him once at 4 weeks where he tried to kill us both as he didn't want to have to pay csa, (still hasn't lol) I ate me up how someone could do this and worried constantly about how it could effect my child. I realised 1 day the only people it was hurting was me & son Ie happy mum happy child. I've told him from an early age that I wanted him soo badly I couldn't wait to find a good daddy first. My lad is happy and well adjusted and starting school where every child has a happy family still hasn't bothered him. He says he's glad he doesn't have a daddy as we get to go to the park every day whereas his friends have to go home cos there mums have to cook dinner etc. I'm thankful that I don't have a nightmare ex to deal with, don't have to share holidays etc.I've also found a good male role model so he can go off and do men stuff. Once you can accept that this is how it is and find the positives of the situation it will be fine and if a child has never known a father, they don't miss what the've never had.

[3point14]

As a father, I can see why some guys feel the woman got pregnant and he didn't want a kid. True it takes two to tango but if I was the one who would get the disease / suffer the hardship / etc. from an action, I would make doubly sure that I was protected.

I speak regularly to guys whose partners have "forgotten" the pill when the pill is exactly what they decided to use as contraception. The guys were trapped by women who sought to have a child to either trap the man or get money from him. These guys are mad and some do not have contact with their children for a number of reasons.

Then you have guys who see their lives wrecked by CSA demands whilst they are left with insufficient cash to live. They feel as though they have been sold down the river and the ex gets all the benefits and has far more cash than they do.

I agree that there are a large number of shits around who do not give a damn about their kids. Some have offspring with numerous different women. However, why a woman would have kids with a man who had deserted kids from a previous relationship is never clear to me.

It isn't always the guys fault and not all women are blameless.

[nixnjj]

3point14 I fail to see your reason for posting this. the Op has stated that her ex has a relationship with his first child. Your post is hardly helpful and certainly not supportive. You fail to mention that alot of these absent fathers do have a habit of fathering children then absconding on their responsibilites. In my case kids were not part of my life plan, so much so that after any illness condoms where insisted upon and holes where put in them.

[GypsyMoth]

what an odd post from 3point14....stating the obvious! we all KNOW the ins and outs of contraception.trapping,etc etc....thats not the discussion here is it??

[Tawny75]

My Exs has not seen his daughter since she was 18 months old (she is 11 today), until this year he paid no maintenance or anything, the CSA finally managed to get a small amount from him each month.

At first I was mad and thought that she would be adversely affected by not having her dad around, luckily I have a fantastic dad and brother in law who are marvellous male role models for her.

As time went on I went through the whole spectrum, from angry to indifferent and back again. I have finally settled on pity.

I got together whith an old friend 7 years ago and as far as he is concerned she is his. She knows all about her biological dad but wants nothing to do with him, and calls my OH 'Dad'.

I have never badmouthed him in front of her or slagged him off. What is done is done and as I said I pity him. My daughter is a beautiful, loving, affectionate, happy child and he has missed out on all of that.

One bonus though, and it may sound stupid is that I never ever have to say thank you to him as he has done nothing.

[HappyAsASandboy]

I haven't read all the other posts on here, but I'd liek to comment as someone who's Dad could never be bothered with me and my sister, despite haveing a fab relationship with his three step children (of the same age).

I did see my Dad while I was growing up, because my Mum worked hard to maintain a relationship between us and my paternal grandparents. Sometimes it was hard realising that my Dad didn't bother making any effort towards us, but as I got older I just realised that I don't want a one-sided relationship where I make all the effort, so I am polite but feel little attachment.

What has been hard, now I am an adult, is my Mum's anger with my Dad for not making an effort. I find myself trying to tell her that it's his loss, and that he's not worth being angry at (particulalry because it won't change anything), but she just wants to tell him how she feels and that he's a waste of space. One day, she might do it, but I hope not, because I suspect it'll be like water off a duck's back and she'll feel even worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your child needs to grow up knowing that you'd support any relationship they have with their Dad, but aside from that, you need to try and come to terms with the fact that he just might not care. Thats really hard, but it is also hard having a Mum who's angry about something she'll never change ....

[Tawny75]

Thats should be ex not exs, one day I will learn to preview!

[girliefriend]

Hello also in the same boat as my dd who is 4 has never met her father, he wrote to me when I was pregnant to say he had no interest in being a parent and I have tried on one more occasion to make contact which he ignored.

My problem is the guilt I carry with me in that my dd won't have the sort of up bringing that I did (ie with married parents, brothers, a nice house etc.) We manage financially but I have to be really careful with money (I don't get any financial help from dd dad).

However my dd is of course wonderful and I console myself with the fact that I don't have to 'share' my time with her. I find it most difficult finding the right way to explain why she doesn't have a daddy but to be fair she rarely brings it up.

[lindsaygii]

This is a thread of extremes.

3point14 posted the most idiotic claptrap I've seen in a looong time - how about you stay off the lone parent board in future you halfwit?

But nixnjj wrote the best thing I've read ever regarding my situation, which is the same as hers. I got pregnant accidentally and the father has decided to punish me by having nothing at all to do with his clever, funny, lively, wonderful son. He's never even met him. DS is 10 months old and I worry A LOT about the damage not knowing his father is going to do to him as he grows up.

but nixnjj THANK YOU for your post; I will take your approach; "I've told him from an early age that I wanted him soo badly I couldn't wait to find a good daddy first." Good idea, I'm borrowing that one from you!

"He says he's glad he doesn't have a daddy as we get to go to the park every day whereas his friends have to go home cos there mums have to cook dinner etc." Good point, we will make a big deal of our freedom so DS enjoys it too.

"if a child has never known a father, they don't miss what the've never had. "

I do hope you're right. Thanks for your thoughts.

[girliefriend]

OMG Mummypumpkin that is awful - what an idiot, I really don't understand men at all. How is it possible that they know they have children and yet not want to engage with them at all?! It amazes me that they can ignore their own flesh and blood. I also think it is incredibly selfish that he (my dd dad) has never told any of his family so they are deprived of an grandaughter, niece, cousin etc. I have found one quite good book called 'Do I have a Daddy?' which is aimed at children without a father around. Found it on amazon, its a bit american but at least a good way of broaching the subject with dd.

xXx

[girliefriend]

Also am going to borrow the nixnjj explanation of not being able to wait!!! My dd drew me a picture the other day of 'daddy and the baby' and I nearly cried. Its really hard xXx

[RedHairedGirlie]

wow.. its been a while since back online and all the replies to my original post! - On one hand it makes me feel quite sad that there are so many selfish "£*&() blokes about.. but on the other hand I don't feel so alone now with my feelings.

Totally agree on nixnjj comment.. think I will steal that one too . I like the sound of the book too as have the same dilemma as mummypumpkin - can't simply say that daddy didn't want to be a daddy knowing there is another child..

[nixnjj]

Thanks for your comments, I've been a lurker here for ages and not to sure how to jump in.

To those who have the problem that the idiots have other kids. YOU know that, your dc's don't so let them know just how special and wanted they are to you.

I also get the impression J (my boy) is a little older he's 5 and started school this year and his teachers and other parents all comment on the closeness of our relationship, all down to the fact that its just us. He's speech, vocabulary etc is way above his classmates again put down to the fact that I can concentrate my efforts solely on him. I have no one else to talk to so we talk to each other all the time. He is used to voicing an opinion so speaking his mind comes naturally

One thing i learnt early on was guilt is a negative emotion.If you start feeling guilty think of something your and lo's have done that made you laugh and remember Its NOT YOUR FAULT that the man who got you pregnant is an emotional fkwit. They chose not to be involved and there is nothing you can do about it. We get on with it, we do a bloody good job of a dealing with a tough situation and our kids know that, they may not realise it yet but in there hearts they are confident in our love for them, they know we will always be there for them and they thrive in that situation. They will do so much better than many other children who either have parents at each others throats, or mummy and daddy parenting differently, even those perfect couples we all see and wish we were in ther shoes have problems behind closed doors.

Your little ones are lucky, they have you and they are the most precious things in your life and you show them that every single day. I guess what I'm trying to say is stop worrying, start enjoying, believe you are enough for them, know how strong, capable and fantastic you are, see and embrace the positives that your situation brings and believe me in time you will actually come to pity the idiots cos they are missing out knowing the best thing in the whole wide world. A know no one will ever be as loved as you are by your child.

Looking forward to getting to know you all a little better

Nic

[lindsaygii]

girliefriend my DS's father also refused to tell his family there was a baby on the way. So I told them. He had no right to stand in the way so I went over his head.

Of course, he still managed to put the kybosh on it - although his mum was knitting for her (only) grandchild at one point, in fact they have never met him either.

I suppose you can lead a family of stupid, selfish twats to water, but you can't make them drink...

[girliefriend]

hee hee, thats very true!

[Mummiehunnie]

3 point 14, did make one very good point, what the hell is going through a woman's head having a baby with a man who has no contact with existing children, no sob story in the world would make me fall for that one personally....

The silly bit is 3 point 14, seems to think that all contraceptives are "the pill" what about when condoms are used and fail, a pregnancy is unplanned, that is not entrapment...

My children's father left when they were seven and almost nine, irratic contact to begin with, then the ow he left for began to make demands a bit like that christine from the one show exerting power and control over people's lives she walked into, and it caused problems, then she met the kids and did not treat them well, and due to father's emotional neglect and her behaviour, the children only wanted to see dad alone, dad didn't want that so ..... now he has not seen them for over a year, we went through courts, for a year and a half, it was sick... I never stopped the kids seeing him, they wanted to see him, they wanted him alone, and for him to be nice to them, he could not manage either... it is just dammed sad, and I feel that it will not change until he changes partners... what a waste for him and for the children...

[RedHairedGirlie]

Sounds like an awful situation Mummie.. can't imagine how hard this is on your kiddies too...

nixnjj, really enjoyed reading your posting 1/5 - I think I will copy this and whenever I feel like I'm not sure I can get through this.. I will read your post to remind myself that I am doing a good job, and I have a loving little girl who is all mine , who is healthy, happy and a joy to be around

[nixnjj]

Hi RHG

I'm glad what I said helped, believe me I've had plenty of times where I've felt i can't do it, its perfectly normal and is a sign of a good mum. What I'm going to put down is what I wish I'd known when J was 1 in the hope it might make your journey easier.

Go to and keep going back to mums and tots groups, the other mums aren't looking down their noses because your on your own, the majority of them think your pretty amazing for being able to do this on your own, they are finding it difficult enough with a partner to help.
When you start to make friends with them but can't afford to keep up with the days out, meeting for coffee's etc let them know its a struggle financially and suggest other options ie coffee at your place or meeting in the park. Once they are aware of your situation the nice ones will be happy to help (give you lifts etc) Let them know that you can repay in favours. Many mums with partners will happily pay for you to go somewhere and you can have there lo for a few hours so they can have some couple time.
DO NOT be tepmted to try on overcompensate for lack of daddy & extended family. I made a big mistake of wanting J's Xmas Birthday pressie pile to be as big as everyone else and am still paying for it now. Charity shops, car boots and freecycle are great for baby/toddler stuff. For the first few years lo's know no different.

I'm sure I'll remember more and if i can think of anythingelse that may help I'll put it here.

Nic