Am sort of new and need some wise advice

[FearlessFanny]

or just any advice really.. Bit of a long one - apologies in advance (and all the A, B etc, but couldn't think of any other way to put things!).

I am the LP of a DS, who will be 4 in Sept (starts school Sept 2011). I left DS's dad approx 3 yrs ago and when we were together, we lived in town A. After I left XP, I carried on living in Town A, with a daily hourish drive commute (each way) up to Town B. Due to general working hours and to ensure that I could be in close contact in case of any problems, I decided to put DS in nursery up with me, approx 5 mins from work. All worked very well.

However, in due time, I decided to make a move - the place we were living in was not suitable (one bed flat), it is an expensive place to live with limited houses for rent (I wanted a house) and the commute was getting a bit much. At the time, XP was still living in Town A, not in regular contact, was often verbally abusive to me when we did meet and, all in all, was not a priority at the time. I decided to move to Town C - lot closer to work, DS is at same nursery and is approx 40 mins from Town A. This move was 2 yrs ago.

At time of move, XP was not happy, but has come round and we now have a very amicable relationship. Approx 1 1/2 yrs ago, he also moved - to Town D, which is approx 40 mins from me/10 mins from Town A. He has DS every other weekend, chats on the phone often and, miracle of miracles, we seem to be able to have pretty calm conversations. However, there are still the odd remarks which would seem to say that he is still keen to get back together, if given half a chance. We are both still single, but I have no intention at all of getting back with him.

Now, therein lies the crux of the matter..for the last 2 yrs, my mum has been around and looks after DS for 1 1/2 days/week. It's been great and they have a real bond. However, she is going back to her native Scotland (long story!) in September and, here in Town C, I will have no support at all. All my mum friends are in Town A (we're down there every other week), DS's nursery pals are scattered around Town B, where I work and while I have friends in my current town, DS has no friends/there is noone to fall back on in case of family emergency.

I now need to decide what to do when mum departs in Sept and this is where wise words are needed (congrats if you've got this far!). Basically, DS is off to school next yr and I want to use the 1 1/2 days that mum had to put him in a nursery in the town that he will be going to school so he will have some familiar faces when he goes to school (we haven't got capacity in his current nursery even if I did want to extend his current hours). If I stay here, in Town C, I will be able to arrange local childcare, but the hours will be difficult to manage with my work hours (I do 37 hours in 4 1/2 days and have to be in work by 8.15 to be able to fit things all in. Town C is currently 20 mins from work on a good day..). This will become even more of a logisitical nightmare when DS starts school, with the 8.50 starts and the mid afternoon pickup. I appreciate that I can probably get wrap around childcare, but there is an alternative...

Which is, move to Town D, where XP is. He works for himself, has flexible hours and has already volunteered to do school drop off and some pick up. He is pretty trustworthy - he does this for his DS's from his previous relationship. I could leave at the crack of dawn to get to work, drop off DS at XPs and probably be able to leave work at 4. It will be be 30-35 mins drive to work. The schools are as good as my current town. Houses are bit dearer but still doable. XP can be backup in case of emergency. There are DS's 2 half brothers/XP's sister's around who can also help if need be (DS has a good relationship with all). I'd also only be 10 mins from my mum friends/DS's NCT pals from Town A. If we were to go ahead with this option,I'd move down in Sept and DS would go to a local nursery for the 1 1/2 day, poss moving up to more as get nearer school..

BUT although it all sounds great written down, I am really nervous about this whole prospect of moving to the same town as XP. I just feel that I have moved on with my life and really like the current distance between us. I am terrified that if I moved to the same town, he would be on my doorstep every 5 minutes. His home situation is unstable, he never has any money and I am still wary of the abusive XP that I knew so well. While it's not going to happen any time soon, if I got a new partner, I would be really worried about him monitoring my every move. I feel like I've made the break and that going back may be a retro step which I will regret..

Many thanks if you have got this far - just writing it all out helped. If you have any words of advice please do send them my way - sick of this going round and round my head!

Thanks loads

[Niceguy2]

I can understand your logic. Moving to XP's town does have its merits as long as you can still drop off/pickup if things turn sour with your XP. Because whilst you get on now, there will be situations over the next x years where you will fall out and you don't want to be in a situation where you NEED his help as this gives him great control over your life.

You could test the waters. Just let slip that you are seeing someone. See if anything changes? You can always explain it away that you are keeping your son away from your new guy as its early days. If XP starts getting all weird on you, you know its a bad idea. If he doesn't care and/or is happy for you then the idea may work.

[FearlessFanny]

Many thanks for ploughing through all of that and for your reply.

You've made some really good points - strange as it may seem, it didn't occur to me that I'd be in a position where I would need him. Hmmm - not ideal at all. While I am all for DS having a good relationship with his dad, he has used him as a weapon before (refused to see him for 8 months when we split as revenge on me leaving), so there is some history there.

Lots to think about. Testing the waters is a good idea. I just have a gut feel that moving would be wrong, which is hard to reconcile with everyone else thinking that we would settle into some sort of idealistic co-parenting scenario. Really good to get a more realistic perspective from those of you that have been in this type of sit.

Thanks again

[Niceguy2]

From experience and hearing lots of stories on sites like this one. Never ever put yourself in a position where you NEED your ex for anything. That includes childcare and money.

I'd say listen to your gut. You know the guy, we don't. Screw what everyone else thinks because as a LP, when push comes to shove, the buck stops with you.

[RedBlueRed]

As Niceguy says, never ever put yourself in a position where you have to depend on your ex. You are asking for trouble and it WILL backfire on you sooner or later especially with his background and it could jeopardise your employment situation.

Likewise re trusting your gut.

If he was abusive in the past he will be again, especially if he thinks you are in his pocket.

Be ever so careful FearlessFanny!

[notsohotchic]

Hmm, yes testing the waters re. a bf would be a very wise move. My ex has gone really loopy ever since I started seeing someone - his behaviour changed dramatically, despite him having told me of several gf's. But one can't stay single forever!!

[QueenofWhatever]

Trust your instincts. I'd do the fantasy bf thing as well, possibly just out of curiousity.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Actually, don't just do the fantasy BF thing, if it's at all possible, go on a date or two (internet dating is safe enough if you take the normal precautions: the worst you'll get is bored). And do it before making any plans to move, so if XP is going to be a knob you will know about it in plenty of time.

[gillybean2]

In reality lots of children start school not knowing many/any of their class mates and soon make friends. If you really think this is an important issue then do what you need to to sort that out, but in reality he will adapt regardless.

Also at this stage you must have some idea which school you want your son to go to..? What are the options, and what are your choices on child care for that school option. You may be better opting for a school in the town you currently work, especially if it has its own breakfast and after school club and/or holiday clubs close by. Or if there is a school that has those options, or a reliable child minder who does school drop and pick up at a certain school you may need to look at that option instead.

Sort yourself out a nursery/child minder and wrap around care now based on your son going to whatever school you want him to go too. If your ex can have him on some of those days all well and good, but don't rely on it, have your own plans in place and then if he goes to his dad instead so be it.

Juggling a job round school hours is tough. Even when the best laid plans are in place they can go wrong. Whether that be your ex being difficult in teh future, your child minder giving up, or school closing it's breakfast club due to lack of uptake. You have to find a situation that suits you and your son best, but also gives you options should you need to change your plans. So if your chosen town only has one child minder prepared to do school drop off and pick up, no after school club etc then you might want to look at a town which has more choices.

Not sure if I've been much help, but I would agree with all those here who says put your plans in place and don't rely on anyone to 'help' you out (ex, mother's friends etc) other than in an emergency.

Best of luck

[NK1999c6e0X127f0be21ce]

Is your job something you could do from home on a occasional basis?

[aubergine70]

I work shifts and NEED my xh to help with the childcare. I hate having to rely on someone who has let me down on a personal level but with my family 300 miles away I have no choice. If I'm being honest though it's working out exceptionally well. I get reliable childcare at all hours of the day and night and my DD gets to see lots of her dad.
Your xp has a good track record, trust your instincts and what you'll be comfortable in the years to come.