well, thats it then I think. XP refused to do mediation and refused to attend the contact centre. So I probably need to accept the dc's won't know their dad. Anyone else who's dc's have no contact?

[Megletwantsittobesummer]

Abusive XP seems to have decided not to bother with the dc's, he was shouty and angry in mediation so the woman in charge had to stop the session and he didn't turn up the contact centre on the 2 occasions we had a 'slot'. So that's it then, isn't it? .

I think he's too angry to bother being a dad and at least the dc's are safe if they don't see him. The dc's are only 3 & 1 and he hasn't see then since last July so dd doesn't know him and even ds has stopped mentioning him. It's so sad, but maybe better than him kicking off when they are around.

Anyone else any suggestions on what to do when it's probably time to call it a day and accept they are well and truly on their own despite having a good go at getting the dad involved.

[GypsyMoth]

i have just have to accept this too,4 dc with exh and he's made half hearted attempt through court. his mental health and abusive nature have now resulted in courts filing a section 91 to stop him reapplying for another 4 years,without leave of court

he didnt bother to turn up to even fight for phone contact,nothing.....dc are 15,13,11 and 7.

am completely responsible for them myself now....its bloody scary!

[Megletwantsittobesummer]

thank you TBB, that section 91 info is handy (just googled it). XP hasn't even been to a solicitor. I've done all the running around . He is bloody scary though so maybe we should count our blessings that we don't have to deal with him anymore.

[messymissy]

it is sad and bloody scary - but I still wish my ex would stop bothering, and as you say meglet its better than him kicking off when they are around. No dad is better than a bad dad. and no dad is better than being on tender hooks incase he does kick off, and no dad is better than one who doesnt turn up on the agreed access visits - letting the kids down all over again.

No suggestions sorry, but you are on your own with them most of the time and have coped with out him since last july - thats a long time but I bet you and your dcs have been happy and are getting on with life.

If you feel you have done all you can to get him involved - and sticking at it since last july sounds like a good go - well then maybe it is time to accept it and carry on building your lives without him.

leave the ball in his court now, and be prepared for how you will handle it if and its a big if, he decides to resume contact.

[GypsyMoth]

did he initially agree to contact centre then change his mind?

[Megletwantsittobesummer]

no, he always said he wouldn't go to a contact centre. But I went ahead and got us on the waiting list just so I knew I'd tried and he never turned up (he had been e-mailed and sent a letter so he knew it when it was on).

His reasons were that he would not be seen in public with men that have been convicted of domestic violence. Because he's such an angel . He never hit me, but got very close and was always aggressive, it was constant shouting and verbal abuse and threats, locking me in the porch / out in the garden / throwing things at me etc.

[GypsyMoth]

keep the evidence that you've tried...just in case he ever takes it to court and tries to paint you as witholding contact etc!!

does he pay maintenence?

[Megletwantsittobesummer]

Yes, the contact centre have a record of us attending so that box is ticked. The police have a record of a few incidents so he can't pretend he's behaved perfectly.

He does pay maintenance through the csa, so I'm suprised he didn't try and see the dc's at the contact centre.

[talie101]

Funny how those where dad doesn't show any interest want them to show interest, and those who have dad's in their kids lives don't always want them around because it's more trouble than it's worth a lot of the time!

Forget him and just make the best you can of your life with your children - as long as they are loved by you I don't think you can go far wrong.

[messymissy]

megletwants - my ex hit me, tried to strangle me, pushed me to the ground, etc etc etc BUT like your ex he thinks he is not like all those men who are violent to their partners - why? because he didnt put me in hospital!!!!

whatever the level of violence these types of men always try to excuse it away. From what you say, your ex is guilty of domestic violence he should be thanking his lucky stars you didnt press charges so he hasnt been convicted.

Forget him and hope he doesnt want any contact until he has had serious professional help so he understands he has abused you and your kids and it is his fault.

my ex is on a domestic violence perpertrators course - which is the only reason I let him see us for a few hours a week. If he so much as grits his teeth at me he knows I will phone 999.

and as you say in your OP at least your kids are SAFE if they dont see him.