Torn up re dd's dad (long)

[UnattendedToaster]

Have no idea what to do about contact/maintenance issues with dd's dad.

DD (6) hasn't seen her dad since she was 6 months old (besides about 5 seconds when she was 9 months) so to all intents and purposes has no idea who he is (have talked to her briefly about who he is since, shown her a photo and factually explained we split up but that's it).

The history is that I left him when she was 6 months because he was controlling and consistently mentally abusive (things like waking me up at 3am to tell me off for being asleep, telling me what to do about everything and making me scared to disagree with him, cutting me off from all my friends)and also physically abusive a couple of times (pushed me over a settee and almost raped me one night), and had started getting angry with dd too (even though she was only a baby), so I see the pattern going on. He got arsey that he wasn't in control any more, had contact for about a month and then when I refused to bow to his every whim he got in a huff and refused to come and see dd, blaming me for making it too hard for him.

Since then he's made no effort to see dd and, because of the abuse, I didn't make any effort to 'force' the issue because as far as I was concerned dd and I were better off without him. He also kept threatening (through the solicitor dealing with his side of our divorce) that he was going to go for custody (or residence, whatever you call it) so the longer I didn't see him the happier I was. Then after the divorce (took nearly 3 years because he pointlessly kept delaying it by not returning forms etc) I heard absolutely nothing from him, even though he knew our phone number and address and we didn't know his because he moved out of the area.

When dd was about 4 I had to be on IS for a little while and so that included an application for maintenance. When they tracked him down they told me explicitly that he'd said if I went through with maintenance he'd push for contact, like a threat. Because it had taken so long to find him I was just about to come off IS so dropped the whole thing and heard nothing more from him.

But now dd is 6 and old enough to knowledgably ask questions and wonder about her dad I'm more and more torn about what to do. Should I try and get her contact with her dad, even though it'll make my life much harder and he may still be an arse? If I don't am I just building up resentment that she's missed this time with him? And should I want maintenance or not? I'm only just surviving at the moment so could use the money but when we were together he was always self employed and fiddled his tax returns so have no guarantees that has changed - we may not get anything anyway. Part of me wants to raise her completely by myself, not take anything from him but part of me feels indignant that he's getting off 'scot-free' when it's his daughter too.

I don't have any idea of where to start thinking about what would be best for dd/us and what she/we want.

[marmitetoastie]

Hi

I think you should re-read your own post and then think what you would advise.

Should you bring a disinterested, abusive man into your and your daughter's lives, or should you get on with it alone?

You've said yourself, you are unlikely to even get maintenance from him.

C'mon, you know the answer to this. I think the question here is how you explain it to your daughter without her feeling responsible or rejected. I think at six this is possible.

I've had to have some difficult conversations with my children about my ex's behaviour - who they still see. Honesty goes a long way with kids, but keep the emotions even so it's not over-whelming.

Well done for getting rid of him before he really hurt you.
xxx

[SolidGoldBrass]

This man sounds seriously dangerous - you say he was getting 'angry' with a baby as well as sexually assaulting and bullying you. So no, don't try to bring him back into your lives.
As to what you tell your DD, it's probably best to tell her that her daddy has some problems, which you and she can't help him with, which mean he can't be a good daddy and that's why you don't see him.

[HanBanan]

Yep, I wouldn't want him near me or my child. He made the decision to step out of your daughter's life. Let it stay that way.

[macdoodle]

God are you totally mad, thank god he has nothing to do with you!
I wish I could get rid of my XH that easily, life is bliss when he is working away!

Ok I do understand that getting off scot free thing, and i do still have resentment that he does very little practically , emotionally or financially, but honestly whenever he is about/in our lives, he is disruptive, controlling and nasty (to me) but can be very manipulative towards my elder DD - and she cahnges from a happy confident outgoing girl (she is 8), to a tearful, stroppy, sensitive, insecure child I wish he would bugger off for ever and sometimes even dream him dead!

Dont let him back in, count your blessings and consider you and DD lucky

[UnattendedToaster]

Thanks for all the replies, and the dollop of common sense, I know it sounds silly but it all seems to make a lot more sense when someone else types it instead of me just thinking it! Did reread my post over again and seeing it all written down gave me a kick out of my own head . Thinking about ex-h and his behaviour again I'd rather dd resented me the rest of her life than have her agree how sh*t he is from experience.

Will definitely leave things as they are - do feel a bit mad sometimes macdoodle, so many people/books etc insisting on contact anyway for some perfect ideal regardless of how rubbish the reality is but I do count my blessings practically every day that I saw sense and got rid and he's left us alone, need to keep that in mind instead of worrying what dd may or may not think in future. Sorry things are like that for you - in the first few years I used to hear news reports with his name (very common first name and surname) and hope it was him dead.

Thanks SGB, logical way to put it to her - naturally there's no way I can tell her details until she's much older but also can't just say there was absolutely nothing wrong. Thanks again for the replies.