Ex won't have the children unless he can stay with us

[MrsMeadows]

That's just it really.

I have four dcs, my ex (of more than 2 years) says that he hasn't the space for them to stay in his flat.
He still wants to see the children and will only do this if he can stay at my house (usually at weekends, every weekend).
Enough time has now passed since he left for me to be able to remain civil and tolerate him (he left after a long term affair of his was discovered), but this horrible set-up drives me mad at times.
Does anybody have any advice?I think this is a really odd situation. I have offered to let him take a couple of the children to his home, but this is turned down too. He just stays away from the children completely if I ignore his request to come.

[HerBeatitude]

Sorry but you are not running a hotel and he is overstepping every boundary there is. He has absolutely no right to even enter your home, let alone insist on staying there.

If he chooses not to see his children, that is not your fault. It is his responsibility to provide the conditions for him to see them, not yours.

I am on perfectly civil, polite terms with my ex, but there is no way I would countenance him sleeping in my house. It would creep me out and feel invasive.

[ninah]

This is blackmail
if he can't have them at home can he at least take them out for the day or something?
apart from the stress it must be causing you iisn't it confusing your dc? hardly leaves any of you room to move on
oh, and his relationship with his dc is HIS responsibility, not yours - if he stays away it is HIS choice, not something you've done
Hard but true

[MrsMeadows]

No, he won't take them out either, I've tried that.

This has been going on since October last year, occasionally I snap and tell him that he cannot stay, and true to his word he stays away.
He then contacts me about coming to 'help out with the children'. Yet I don't want 'help', just for him to arrange to see his children, and something other than this, like 'normal' people do.

I don't think he wants to return here for good, rather that it is convenient for him.

[ninah]

you will have to stick to your guns if this is to ever get resolved
as it is he knows if he blackmails you using his relationship with dc you will back down
don't
it is his relationship. Not yours

[cestlavielife]

yes i have had this from my exP - he jsut keeps trying to manipulate into my house etc - and it is about boundaries and getting the dad to take repsonsibility.

stick to your guns - he sorts himself out to see the dcs at his place or elsewhere.

[Megancleo]

It IS a horrible set-up.I've been seperated for 6 monthes now and only in the last few weeks have I gradually felt strong enough to place boundries. Without doubt it is a control thing on x's part and it in no way benefits the children! As long as X was coming here it all seemed unsettled (however tolerable the visit was, I was left nervous before or after the visit)but since I've said enough the children seem to be more happier. It took me a while to realise but its sooo true, I am not responsible for how, when and for how long X sees children. Now he takes one out for 3hrs Sar, 1 for same on Sun and the oldest has no contact but guess what-HIS PROBLEM! I truly have enough problems and the children know they can contact or see father when they want but soemhow they seem to know hes not interested in too much effort-sad but true. MrsMeadows, please move on and let your home belong to you and your children only now.

[maristella]

i can't offer any advice that hasn't been put better than those above me, but i'm on your behalf

[QueenofWhatever]

Very controlling. He's playing games and unfortunately he's playing with your childrens' heads. It might be worth considering legal mediation as he sounds very unreasonable.

[MrsMeadows]

Well I did it, I was encouraged to do it by finding out he'd been lying about something again (he is a compulsive liar).

I emailed him and told him I didn't want him to stay here again and he'd need to make other arrangements in future.

He contacted me the next day to ask if I was "still moody" and since then has been silent.

He wouldn't care about mediation, though I can't explain his behaviour. Last time I did this he went silent for six weeks, I cracked soon after that, as it's hard work with so many children and I have no family help.

I agree it is a form of control, he will sometimes change the days he comes to stay and that means I have to check with him if I have appointments etc It makes me feel sick to think of that.

Thank you all. I'll try to stick to this, this time.

[ToccataAndFudge]

he's got a flat to himself and he can't have 4 children to stay there? How old are the children?

XH used to live in a small double bedroom in a shared house.......he managed to have all 3 DS's to stay with him.

One shared the bed with him, the other 2 top and tailed on a mattress on the floor.

If he wanted to see them he'd make them all fit in his flat and if space for playing is an issue he can just take them out during the day

[MrsMeadows]

The children are 10, 7, 3 and 2.
He used to take them to his flat (well, for a couple of months only last year and he was unreliable), it's a one bedroomed flat.

I don't understand why he won't do this again. He has made excuses e.g. not having enough money to pay for their travel and food (I used to pay him £20 a night, but can no longer manage this). He also says flat is quite bare as he's moved some things into storage.
As I said, he's a compulsive liar and the lack of money is definitely not true. Perhaps he has someone living there, I really don't know and he would never tell.

He cannot genuinely care for the children if he's willing to do this.

[ToccataAndFudge]

so it's not like the children are too old to be top and tailing/sharing/on mattresses

What on earth has a bare flat got to do with anything???

he's making excuses - pathetic ones at that

[SolidGoldBrass]

He is using access as a way of harassing you. Remember, while the DC have a right to a relationship with him, he does NOT have a right to any kind of relationship with you. You can refuse to have any direct contact with him at all and insist that everything is done via a third party, if he is really tiresome - I appreciate that this is hard on the DC (that Mum and Dad can't be friends - but it's not YOUR fault) but he is already behaving in a way that's hard on the DC, by manipulating you and disappointing them when he doesn't get his own way.
There's a lot of good advice in this topic about what to say to DC about tosspot fathers, mainly stuff like 'Daddy has some problems, it isn't anything YOU did' being good reassurances to give the DC that are not actually saying 'Daddy is a complete bell-end' because, no matter how much of a bell-end he is, the DC will love him and be hurt by his stupid behaviour, so it's important to keep putting it in the context of it not being their fault. Because letting him harass you is NOT to their benefit when he is behaving like this, no matter what he says about it being your 'unreasonableness' that is keeping him from his DC.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Oh come on. It's his responsibility to maintain a household that's suitable for his children to visit him in.
This is ridiculous. Glad you put your foot down.

[MrsMeadows]

Yes, you're both right, thank you. I'll persevere this time and hope that he sees sense once he realises I'm serious.

[cestlavielife]

you paid him?
yikes --i knwo is hard - at one point i was paying £24 for them to eat in nandos otherwise they didnt see him and he was unable (unwilling) to cook for them...but have stopped that...but he still tries to get me to send them with food!!

really, they ahve tof ind a way to pay for their own children when they with them...

[Lovesdogsandcats]

I would go to a solicitor and get a letter sent to him making the terms simple - he sees them on such and such a day, say Wed evening and Sat from 10-6 (seeing as he has made it clear he cannot have them overnight)and you will be at home waiting on those days for him to pick them up...if he is more than half hour late you will make other arrangements, and you will not change the days to suit him, he either sees them on those days or waits til the next one.

I think once you have done this, and made everything as simple as a reasonable person would expect, then you have done your bit and the rest is up to him, you should not have the added worry of what he is up to. Dont worry about what his plans are, and always remember - this is about the kids not him!!

[mamas12]

I know you want the best for your kids by enabling their relationship between them and their father, BUT come on, you are not your ex mother either.
He is an adult and knows exactly what he is doing and your poor dcs are learning ways just how to manipulate you and any other person who doesn't want to do what they want.

Do you really want them to learn this behaviour? Or see how you allow yourself to be treated?

It is hard to unlearn this habit/learned response but can do it. Not only for your dcs but for yourself too.

Send the official letter and tell the dcs that all arrangements are to be at their dads from now on and let him talk to them about the cancellations etc.

[MrsMeadows]

Well I've done it.
I haven't let him come as he would usually, but have offered that as alternative he can take the children to his flat or come and take (even some) of them out. I have also said that he can do this through solicitor if he prefers.

As I said, he just wants to come here. So far I've had numerous emails saying he "could be here" or have I've "f'd things up for the children".
In the past few hours he says he is going to anonymously contact social services to say he thinks the children are at risk, my mental health etc.
I'm absolutely furious, but I can't do anything. Even though I have done nothing wrong I will be investigated (or whatever happens) because of this horrible man.

[Idontknowhowtohelpher]

Make sure you keep copies of his emails so you can show how unreasonable he has been.

[UpToMyTitsOf]

Don't worry about social services, it is obvious he is doing it out of spite. And believe me, SS is soooooooo busy with more pressing cases that they will hardly pay any attention to someone throwing a tantrum because he is no longer allowed in the former marital home, actually they might be even surprised that you were so kind to allow it until now.

[mamas12]

Agree keep copies of everything!
Keeping cilvil and reasonable throught will also infuriate him.
Don't rise to his bate and get back at him, that's probably what he wants to see.
Stay cool calm and collected and let him do his worst.
You will be sorting out a much better system for the dcs this way.
Well done and keep at it. Enjoy watching him get riled.

[DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE]

try not to contact him phone.

keep it all to email/letter.

that was you wont be subjected to any venom as he takes his tantrum. and have proof of anything he accuses/threatens you off.

your doing well. stay calm. it might take a few weeks. dont get sucked into any arguements. just keep repeating he can take them to his flat or collect them in response to any contact he gives you.

if you speak on phone you could be tempted to be seen as being moody or arsey if you hang up if he's just giving you an earful of ss threats.

you dont want to give him the excuse that he got the impression you didn't want him to come at all.

so.. stick to email. and NO MATTER WHAT he sends.. always reply he is welcome to see them as long as not in your house.

when he keeps hitting this brick wall and sees you are not rising to the bait he'll give up quicker.

if he thinks he's getting any sort of reaction that is emotionally charged, you are spurring him on to keep trying in hope you will crack and tell him he can come to house.