difficulties with ex partner = stressful pregnancy

[DeenaCortina]

Hi, this is my first post and I'm just looking for some advice, I am four months pregnant and split with my ex the day I found out I was pregnant. We were together for 9 months and during that time he wouldn't respect my wishes, decisions and was extremely stubborn on a regular basis, I became more and more unhappy with him constantly saying I was upset because it my choice and I needed professional help and I didn't find him supportive at all - I was signed off work through depression just before falling pregnant. My ex has a diagnosis of bipolar type two (and also has had issues with smoking weed) but has been constantly trying to make out that I am disturbed, unstable and volatile. We recently had an argument and he called the police saying I was unstable - I am very worried about this as it shows he is willing to get authorities involved (the police left with no concerns). He recently sent an email saying I was a b*tch to live with and a spoilt child - I am struggling financially and he is not working and turned down work in the past few weeks. I don't believe he is a positive influence to me or my unborn child and I do not trust him at all.... Have asked him to leave me alone - not sure what to do next, has been making the pregnancy quite stressful.

[HanBanan]

Try to keep contact with him to a minimum (i.e. only on your terms when you really need to talk and in a public place) or you'll just continue arguing and getting stressed. He might be worrying about access to his child as he hopefully knows he has problems.

I'd get professional advice on this - either from a charity or a solicitor. Sorry, not having been there myself don't know who exactly you would talk to. Try the internet. Sure other lone parents will point you in the right direction. It's worrying he's on pot when he has bipolar.

[Tanga]

Definitely keep contact to the absolute minimum during your pregnancy - you don't need any more stress. You need to look after yourself and your child and get ready to be a Mum - including sorting out finances, as it doesn't sound like he is going to be very supportive in any way.

However, you can't simply decide he can't be involved in your child's life, because whatever your feelings about it now, he is the father of your child, and your child's rights (once it is born) come first.

Make it clear that you are not willing to communicate in an unsupported environment because of the arguing and the stress that causes, but leave some room for him to shape up (if he can) for example suggest that further communication on practical aspects to do with the baby go through a third party. Good Luck.

[DeenaCortina]

Thank you for replies - more than anything is so lovely to know that people out there will give the time to share some advice and support. I haven't had any contact at all with ex and thinking about seeking legal advice to find out exactly where I stand and what could happen given different options. I know there a few threads with similar problems and I keep seeing similar things come up - like not having the right to decide whether the father is involved or not. I have also shared these beliefs until I was in this situation..... surely to be a good mum you have to look after yourself and your child's best interests? and like everything - you have to make a judgment call as what would be good for both of you or not - like everything else that could be distressing and potentially dangerous?? In any other situation in life people have to behave reasonably, friendship, jobs, social situations in general - why is it that dads/parents are allowed to behave any differently and still have rights? Sorry to rant and I realise this is a contentious subject with so many variables and is so subjective ~ it's very confusing.

[manda1982]

hi i was in a similar situation went through hell with my ex when pregnant. left me in a mess financially before we broke up then tried to stay civil for sake of baby and pregnancy. when shopping for baby things he would demand the best and most expensive and say if i paid depisit him or parents would pay the rest (never did) or if he did buy things for baby would then demand the money back and even just before i gave birth turned up at my front door and as i didnt have £100 on me to give him the money back for the car seat he had paid for a week earlier he took cot mobile quilt bumper sheets ect that he had bought and took them back to get the money back. at that point i realised not to let him buy anything else. he had threatened solicitors saying as i had anti natal depression he was taking baby to mothers (hundreds of miles away when born) solicitor was getting an injumction. made all kinds of claims and constantly threatened to tell social services i was an alcoholic drug addict, neglected my daughter (she isnt his) to the point when day after baby was born he wouldnt leave my house sat drinking playing on laptop watching tv while i did house work. spilt a can of beer i told him to clean it up he said no not my house!!! i told him to get out so he rang poolice and said i was going to murder day old baby!! police came said there was no problem and that he was upsetting my by refusing to leave. things went from bad to worse and had to take out a restraining order. he sees baby for 2 and a half hours once a fortnight in a contact center but really im not happy about this as he has threatened to kidnap baby and have me killed. he has never paid a penny maintenance and told the csa baby isnt his yet can drag me through court for parental responsability and joint custody. the system isnt fair at times and your instinct is to protect your baby thats hard when you want to protect them from there father. allthough yes i think fathers should have a right to see there children there are alot of men who use there children as a weapon and dont think they should be able to pick bits of being a parent and leave the financioal side. speak to a solicitor if your not working you should qualify for legal aid and get a solicitor to maybe draft a letter to him advisising to only contact you through your solicitor. hope this helps
xx