Online dating - do's and don'ts from those of you who've tried it?

[chippychippybangbang]

Have just dared to put my profile on POF, having not been single for 12 years(!) and been pleasantly surprised at the messages I've received from educated, funny, sane sounding men. Plus a few weirdos.

I've had a couple of invites for drinks from a lovely sounding teacher, and a doctor. I've googled them, they are who they say they are, so I think I'm going to go..

So help - where do I start? My profile shows I have dc's but I haven't mentioned them in any detail. When do you tackle all of that? First date, or later? What do you wear? Is it all really awkward? Help!! Any pointers or tips gratefully received, am such an amateur at this..

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

don't worry about the dcs thing it isn't a prob. it's on your profile that you're a mum and that obv.isn't putting any men off
you'll be asked about them as you would by anybody else you might meet for the first time!
and yes it is pretty scary the first time you actually go out on a date again, i remember that i was a bag of nerves!
it's prob.best to agree to meet during the day if poss. first, for a coffee or a quick drink
and as you would for any date internet or not do tell a friend where you're going and stick to public places
wear what you feel comfortable in,jeans and a nice top usually do!
best of luck and HTH

[MeMySonAndI]

Keep it simple, imagine you are meeting with a friend you have not seen in years and have a lot to catch up with about what you have been up to.

I have mentioned, lightly, about DS, before meeting, not too much detail, just some hints that I'm a mum who has a certain level of unavoidable responsibility, and also to have a slight idea of what are their expectations on life with children around. Actually, when I was in POF I only agreed to meet with people who had children themselves, in the perhaps misguided idea that if they had their own chidren, they would have at least a slightly reasonable expectation about how children behave and their needs.

What do you wear? whatever you would wear when you are meeting with friends in the same situation, but make it a little more special. Don't over do it, be yourself, you want them to like you for who you are.

[Niceguy2]

Do's

• Have a sense of humour.
• Enjoy your online dating experience
• Actually reply to some men and accept dates from those who pique your interest.

Dont's

• assume all men are perverted players
• think POF is a fair reflection of all dating sites
• forget to have fun!
• bang on about your ex on your first date.

[kdk]

nothing to add - just very at fact that you've got decent-sounding prospects to meet. I just get weirdoes and really ugly uninteresting men.

Just be yourself, meet somewhere public, let someone know what's going on and enjoy!

[chippychippybangbang]

Thanks everyone! I must admit, I had no expectations at all of POF, I was going to go the paid site route but in a bored moment, I somehow ended up loading in my profile (and then panicked and nearly pulled it after 24 hours!)

After 5 days of being on there, I am already a bit cynical. Teacher man sounds lovely, very articulate, bright, funny, gently flirty without being at all creepy - BUT - he just seems too good at it all, I'm now wondering if he just messages anyone new who joins. Maybe he does, and I shouldn't be bothered if I'm one of many. (Niceguy, I probably need to listen to you on the making assumptions thing!!)

Doctor man is very funny, but definitely friend material rather than anything else. Not the same sort of chemistry feel so far.

And then there is architect man...sounds lovely, genuine man - added me to his favourites straightaway so I dared send a message, and nothing back. What's that about?

And I am already bored of getting badly spelled messages of the - "wot u up to 2night lol?" type. I don't want to be rude, but can't be bothered to reply to them all, as soon as you do, you get one straight back..

It's like joining a game and not knowing any of the rules. I am meeting teacher man and doctor man but just for a coffee/one drink. I am terrified.. Going to wear new dark grey Jigsaw top, jeans and boots. And get my hair booked in for a long overdue sort out this week

[Niceguy2]

I'm now wondering if he just messages anyone new who joins. Maybe he does, and I shouldn't be bothered if I'm one of many.

[chippychippybangbang]

I know!! I really am no bunny boiler, promise.

[Parsleypants]

Speak to them on the phone first. For me, anyway, a crap voice is a complete turn off. Do not, whatever you do, over think it. Internet dating is a weird little world all of its own and the normal rules of social conduct don't seem to apply sometimes. For example, you could be happily messaging someone for a couple of weeks, almost on a daily basis and getting on really well, then they disappear without warning and you never hear from them again! Enjoy it but don't over-analyse it. I sound like I'm negative but I'm really not, met some great people through match.com and have been with my boyfriend since August. Our paths would never have crossed otherwise. Have fun and trust your instincts! I feel quite envious actually - used to love getting dressed up for a date, now all we seem to do is sit on the sofa and watch Sky!!

[chippychippybangbang]

Thanks parsley, teacher man has given me his mobile number so we've exchanged a few texts but not spoken. Male friend said I needed to check he didn't have a squeaky boy-voice, or sound like Alan Carr!

I am such a chronic over-thinker, I'm going to need a few drops of Rescue Remedy to get me through this.. I should maybe go out with doctor man first, as I'm not bothered about that one.

And I know what you mean about the rules of social conduct, I think divorce, and dating definitely remove/rewrite them. I'm in totally unchartered territory here.!

[Pagen]

I met my fiancee on POF over 2 years ago, we bought a house together a year ago and I'm now preg with our 1st and couldn't be happier.
However I was on POF for nearly 2yrs before i met chris and I met a lot of wierdoes, guys just out for one thing and had one scary experience. On the flip side I also had some great dates and met some really nice guys.
What i learned from it all was this:

A Don't put too much into a purely on-line/phone "relationship" - whatever you think you have can go straight out the window when you meet in person.
B As soon as you feel ready and comfertable meet up, why waste time building something up when you might not have any chemistry when you meet.
C Always meet somewhere you feel comfertable, in a public place and make the first date a short meeting i.e. meet for coffee...you can always extend the date if you get on (My first date with Chris started as lunch and we ended up spending the entire day together)
D Pay your share, don't feel under any obligation!
E If he's not for you just politely tell him you had a nice time but you feel perhaps its too soon.
F Don't kid yourself that if he is chatting to you he shouldn't/isn't chatting to several other women..how many men are you chatting to?
G If you have a really good date and agree to meet up again I would hope that you would both then drop off POF to see where things go.
Good luck and enjoy!!

[confidencecrisis]

chippybangbang

architect man??? sounds like that might be someone i know. If it is, you want to be careful. This man is a serial player. Goes through women faster than water.
Declares undying love and then...

Hes smart, and lovely and lush. But sneaky as a greased weasle.

if it is him, just be careful.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

lol @ confidencecrisis
perhaps we should start a thread naming and shaming some of these cads and bounders

[kdk]

maybe give a clue as to location/looks - that's what I've done with some of the loonier ones I've encountered - some, I have to admit, I've just given their site names - name and shame that's what I say - especially ones who are players/shitesters!

[confessiontime]

ah - i feel a bit mean now. But it is true. He is one of my friends, and it just shocks me how he treats women.

Hes back on pof again now, single, after suposing meeting the love of his life who he was going to get to move in with him, cook and clean for him, support him and have his children, they had already picked chilrens names.

He had only been seeing her 6 months.

Hes charming as hell, and very good looking, thats why he gets away with it i think.

if i put his profile name.. will i get in trouble?

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

no i don't think so as we used to name them on the 'fit thread'
what town/county does he live in?

[chippychippybangbang]

ooh, please do. Does your architect he have a pilot's licence? This one does..(allegedly)
Would love to say where he is, but it's a quiet area where everyone seems to know one another, and unfortunately I was recently recognised on here so am careful not to give too much detail now.

There did ought to be a name and shame thread, it would save us a lot of time and bother.

I am going to be in a real state of nerves this week, it's crazy as I've got no expectations, just scary to be going back out there after so long..!!

I need to join the fit thread I think!!

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

iirc there was a fella on frd who i think had a pilot's licence or at least alluded to having one as he was pictured in a helicopter!
he is midlands based and vertically challenged and no i didn't date him lol
chippy hop on board the fit thread the more the merrier

[DaSola]

I was just about to start a similar thread, good one Chippy Good luck with your first dates!

I probably shouldn;t even be thinking about it yet for various reasons, but I'm curious to see who's out there. But I'm totally lost on the etiquette! I was with exH for 15 years so I am petrified / excited at the same time.

So far I've just joined one paid site. POF looks so scary

I may have to wander towards the fit thread myself.

[chippychippybangbang]

POF is scary, I think it's the free factor that does it. I just wandered in by accident, and then got chatting to a couple of nice people. The rest are a real assortment of oddities!

Having said that, teacher man and I have had a couple of lovely text conversations today. I do hope he's as nice as he sounds..!

[ninah]

I like the sound of doctor man, you don't know about the chemistry side til you meet
a choice ... how wonderful!

[ninah]

I like the sound of doctor man, you don't know about the chemistry side til you meet
a choice ... how wonderful!

[dignified]

Is teacher guy a primary school teacher with dark hair and glasses?
And is docter guy actually a standard docter or in a very unusual proffesion.

Cant help but wonder.

[lottysmum]

I just thought I would add a post to say that a few of the online dating sites are now offering women total free membership - which can help by giving you a little more control and an opportunity to use a better paid site rather than these free sites.

Have a look at : chatuptime

[chickensaresafehere]

Met my soulmate/dh on friend finder.
So these would be my tips:-
Do take someone with you on a first date
Do not trust that the photo they have posted is up to date!!
Be prepared for disappointment.
Have an open mind & go for someone who might not be your usual type.
Chat first online,so you can find out more about them before you meet them.
But most of all have fun!!

[chippychittybangbang]

Well, my photo was a summer holiday one. I'm thin and brown size 10 rather than the current pasty and wobbly 12! Am hoping to camouflage that with clever dressing and a bit of bronzer..

Doctor guy could well be any kind of doctor. I have no expectations there. Teacher guy is a dept head at a very good local private (senior) school, and appears on their website in picture and name, so is definitely who he says he is. (but the hair and glasses bit is right... should I be worried?)

Have decided to go on these meetups and then take my profile off. Actually, might do that anyway, as feeling a bit uncomfortable.