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what is reasonable?

(52 Posts)
leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:29:54

had a baby with x. 2gether for 8yrs before was so horriable while pregnant - out all the time. realised that he must go to the pub after work on a friday, out on saturday nights till early hours and pub on a sunday. pulled my hair during arguement while he was driving car swerving to scare me.. thought it was a commitment thing be better once ds here.. not so. went out on the night after i got home with bubba after a c section to 'wet the babies head'.
now not togethger but he want the baby 11wks old. obsessed with having him over night but dont trust him to look after ds properly. heard him and his mum saying they can't wait to have the baby in bed and he has got this athena poster thing where he really wants to go to sleep on the sofa holding bubba.
argue all the time. tried having him over to me to see ds but then he is horriable and wishes me dead . he hardly visits for long but came yesterday everything ok cooked dinner while he did bath, he puts ds down half way through bed routine to have a bag or crisps!! i did the rest and had disagreement over something silly as usual and he was raising voice etc asked him to leave and he just wont - just sits on sofa defiantly till he had to go for football..
he just phoned wants ds for weekend but wanted to pick him up at 6pm sat. whats the point? knocks babys rouitine out. arguement followed now having him at 7am next morning..
he only gives me £100 to £120 per month. saying he buys ds things (the odd t shirt and toy and we take turns with milk)..

sorry if you bored.. don't know how to make this work for ds.

suddensingledad Thu 07-Jul-05 20:41:14

Wow, I'm having flashbacks. I'm afraid it gets worse until you put your foot down. Suggest you formalise contact via the courts, and CSA his ass. It tends to sober the situation.
Good luck

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 20:44:09

is hard when they are so small, especially when he is being a git. i would stop contact at your house as it does not sound helpful for you or baby. afraid court might be the only option. did he go with you to register baby cos whether or not he did determines whether or not he has parental responsibility

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:45:20

tried to formalise it but he's never followed it just arrive as and when.
agreed a tuesday evening and weekends so he started football training on a tues for a team he doesn't even play for and started a shift job..
he will make is so horriable to go to court i will be slagged off for eternity

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 20:45:25

tbh i don't think it's unreasonable for you to say you don't want your 11 week old away overnight!
tell him he is welcome to come and visit during the day if he is going to behave.

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 20:48:17

court is not easy but sometimes it is the only way. if he doesnt follow through, he doesnt see ds. if you say he can see baby on tuesday and he chooses not to come thats his problem. if he turns up another time dont open the door. if he starts getting scary call 999. your baby will soon be watching you to see how to behave when he is an adult. do you want him turning out like that?

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:48:21

yes he knows he is father. can'y question that as we did ivf!! so much effort and now this.
where can he have access if not at home..

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:50:04

ur right.. i can't tell you how stressful this is and it's so upsetting.
i know i can't stop him but he bad mouths me to everyone and calls constantly checking how ds is but checking up on me i think

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 20:50:12

didnt mean does he know if he is dad, parental responsibility carries a lot of rights. if you were not married and his name is not on birth certificate he does not have it which can make things easier for you

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 20:51:07

but GG... does that still count with an IVF baby? there is NO d9ubt then that he is the father

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:51:29

no he is on there.. he threats to run off with ds and when i question him he says he was just angry

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:52:54

don't know what to say to him.. don't want my son to go as it is..

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 20:53:58

please sort something out formally. the way he is behaving is awful, it isn't good for you or your DS.

you need to let your ex know that there are specific times and days when he can see him... and that's that!

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 20:54:06

if he is threatening you then i would get to a solicitors tomorrow and refuse him further contact until you have something on paper. until you have a court order he has as much right to your child as you do.

not entirely sure about ivf starlover, but my git x refused to admit he was ds2s dad and had dna test to prove he was but still needed court order to give him pr

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 20:54:54

also keep a diary of his requests/phone calls/visits etc and what goes on.

Caligula Thu 07-Jul-05 20:56:52

Make sure any court knows that he has threatened to kidnap the baby.

TBH a man who is threatening to do that, sounds unstable to me. I wouldn't let him near my baby, court or no court. (If that's what he means by "running off" with your ds?)

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 20:59:21

yes.. but in retaliation i have said i would disappear - rather than lose my ds..
what happens at the sol? do i decide to begin with? what is reasonable?

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 21:00:44

shall i tell him before i go rather than it come out of the blue? y do i feel like i'm the unreasonable 1?

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 21:01:18

he says i should be grateful that he did ivf with me and without him i would have my ds...

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 21:02:35

court can order contact to take place at a family centre or somewhere you will not be alone with him. probably only for a few hours a week or something, but it it will depend on all circumstances. solicitor is only option i can see for you. its unpleasant, but things will improve hugely because of it

gigglinggoblin Thu 07-Jul-05 21:03:30

you could have used a sperm donor for ivf so thats a rubbish argument. wouldnt say anything tbh, it will only cause a row

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 21:03:36

lm... you don't have to be grateful to him. you don't owe him anything. he is acting like an idiot, showing you and your ds no respect.

tell him if you think it'll help. otherwise just go and sort it out. do tell them about his hitory though... the car swerving, hair pulling, threatening to take ds.. and also your worries about him sleeping on sofa etc

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 21:03:57

gg should i tell him b4 i go? it'll look bad if he gets a letter out of the blue? shall i say no to overnighters? till when..

starlover Thu 07-Jul-05 21:05:07

i would say definitely no overnights... he's only 11 weeks old fgs!
if he really wants to see him and you are happy with him seeing him then arrange to go somewhere public to do it for an afternoon or whatever.

leosmummy Thu 07-Jul-05 21:05:21

can i see a sol that quickly? what abt sunday? keep as planned..

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