I dont fully understand the 'stigma' attached to being a single mum, am i automatically a lazy, benefit scrounge that cant hold down a marriage/relationship? :(

[ManyMonkeys]

I dont think it can just be me, surely?? But so many people seem to look at me/my life like i 'chose' it to be this way. While waiting in line at the post office recently two 'older' ladies were stood behind me, and they cant have known me or my marital status, but just happened to be having a very brutal conversation about 'single mums' and how they think 'these women' just cant be bothered to get to work and have a proper life! "They think they should just have a baby or 3 and the government will give them a house and some money and thats it, very lazy, its not right!" Im trying very hard not to let it annoy me so much, because everyone is entitled to their opinion, but thoughts like that really are so unfair!

[QueenOfFlamingEverything]

I have long maintained that society should stigmatise being an absent parent rather than being a lone parent.

By 'absent' I do not mean fully involved and supportive parents who happen to no longer live with their children btw, I mean those who wander off into the blue and expect the parent they leave behind to take on all the responsibility.

[ManyMonkeys]

Thats true!!! VERY unfair!

[meemar]

sorry for you,

in our local Dr Surgery they display the name of the next patient. Last time i was there a woman with a baby was called up and she was 'Miss X'. Two old ladies actually muttered to each other about the fact that she was young and unmarried and had a baby, and how terrible it was

I am not surprised that there is still stigma attached, as the media feeds the stereotype. Of course people are entitled to their opinions, but when they are based on ignorance of facts they are just bigots.

[rosieposey]

I was a single mum for years. I think it depends on who you listen to. Some people will see you as brave and strong whereas some people will see you as a scrounging layabout, i know having been in your position myself which i subscribe to.

I know sometimes when i said the phrase 'single mum of 3' i would inwardly cringe because like you the media tends to flame women regardless of how they got into that position.

I know that i had to leave my abusive EH, I know that i studied hard on a full time uni degree with three youngish kids to look after as well but sometimes none of that matters and the 'single mum' stigma would block out all those other things for some people anyway. Dont worry, you know you are doing a great job and whatever circumstances led you to the path you are currently taking are behind you now. Next time you hear anything like that just try and attribute it to the small-minded attitudes that some (and only some) people have and try not to let it bother you, you know who you are, they don't!

[Niceguy2]

Depends on which paper you read. If you believe the Daily Mail, all us single parents are benefit scroungers and work shy.

[shoptilidrop]

i dont understand it either. Esp when everyone knows how high divorce rates are.
Im a single parent and i HATE that title as i know that, automatically people judge me for it. Doesnt seem to matter that i was married ofr 8 years and my DD was very much planned. Or that i work, and have always done.
All that seems to matter is im a SINGLE parent and therefore a feckless layabout with only 1 brain cell.

gggrrrrrrr.

[vvvodka]

i think that as ag eneral rule, you shouldnt pay any attention to old biddies in the post office chattering amongst themselves.

[HerBeatitude]

I think the reason the stigma exists, is because every mother everywhere, can become a single mother. The sensible ones are aware of this and think "there but for the grace of god go I", the idiots distance themselves as far as they possibly can by making single parents "the other". Only about 13% of single parents are under 25, let alone teenagers. The average age is 36. But if you can pretend the majority are feckless teenagers who have nothing to do with you, you can comfort yoursel that you'll never be like "them".

It's fear that feeds the stereotypes.

[ManyMonkeys]

yes slimbo, i too was at a party recently were there were too women thoroughly slagging off single mums, and that no matter what we say we are just scroungers, or some of us have tried to play happy families and its not worked out for us - how pathetic! Its true what you say though vvvodka, i think it is wise to take what chettering old biddies say with a pinch of salt! I left my childrens dad because despite YEARS of trying we just 'struggled' so we kind of mutualy ended it, we are very good friends though, i did meet another man, and he spent a year, lying, cheating (MANY times i later found out) stealing from me, and eventually he beat me up in front of my kids i ended it FAST, and i have vowed never ever to trust another man as long as i live - its too scary. And so although i have my first ex, who is great, ultimately i have to raise my kids alone, im going to spend my life alone, and it all terrifies me! If people feel the need to view me as a lazy work-shy scrounger thats up to them, but i do feel some people underestimate how deeply cutting their comments can be! - or for a few maybe they do know how very hurtful they are and they intend it!

[kmom]

for Years to come there is still going to be a stigma for us single mums, I feel it from certain friends who have known me for years from when i was working, married and own home.To now divorced in council property and a single mum,its not what they say its how they look at you, but you learn to shrug it off, what we are doing is not easy and not always by choice but we are doing our best and people can not take that away from anyone of us.

[meltedchocolate]

Oh crap, just started a thread not realising this was here. ignorant

Could not agree more. I dont want to be getting hand outs but I have been lumped here!

[poshsinglemum]

We get stigmatised because we live in a mysogynistic partriarchal society which wants to let men off the hook.

So man fucks off and leaves responsibility to woman therefore woman gets blamed. It makes me sick but hey- let em talk. I no longer give a fuck. I know I'm doing a great job and people who have time to slag me off can go jump!

[justsue]

OMG this so gets my goat. Just posted on other site. My ex had a affair (no big crime). I brought the house of him, carried on bringing up two children by myself for the last 15 years, have worked every day since (bar a few holidays, sick etc) They went to very good childminders who looked after them. Guess what: They are now 24 and 16 and are stable individuals who can cook clean etc and my oldest son is expecting a baby in April ( Well not him but his gf otherwise I would be rich).

[ManyMonkeys]

BRILLIANT justsue!!!!! - thats really fab news - ive seen so many single mums do such a fab job with their kids and they have grown up stable and happy individuals, i guess i do know we can do it, not because we have no choice (although that is an aspect) but because most single mums have been through so much to have ended up where they are today that it has made them strong people! I know i will do everything and anything in my power to provide the absolute best, secure, happy, loving home for my kids, and i know that no-one can change that. But why oh why is society SOOOOOO judgemental re this subject??? I know its abit of a cliche, but its almost like if a man sleeps about abit he's just being a bloke, his mates pat him on the back and jeer etc etc, if a women does it she's a slag! (obviously for the record i think anyone who sleeps about should re-evaluate their life somewhat) BUT if, like some of you have said, the man buggers off for whatever reason - its forgotton about, but the woman left to care for the kids is pretty much an outcast Ugh i dont know, i guess this moaning is just a total waste of time at the end of the day, nothing will change peoples attitudes! Its just hard enough to do such a tough (although very rewarding) job, without society treating you like your a 'f*ck-up'

[poshsinglemum]

To be honest people have been far nicer than I thought. No one in my mum's group looks down on me and I have lots of lovely mates who are married and single with kids.

It's the media who are to blame. Most of the media is run by men who want to let men of fthe hook. It is the men who normally display feckless behaviour but they want to excuse their behaviour so they blame it all on women.
Happy days, they can shag around consequence free shedding kids and noone need make them account for it.

Not so happy days for them.

I would love to change people's attitudes but just as I can't change racist or sexist people I can't change single mum bashers. Ho hum.

Live your lives, stick your nose in the air and fuck em. They probably couldn't do this hard but wonderful job so look down on the twatty haters instead!

Everyone know that absent father's and not present mothers are to blame!

[poshsinglemum]

Not so happy days for us I mean!

[rubysmama]

This all bothers me so much. I was on the phone just today crying to my mum because I hate that I have to rely on handouts to survive. It's so demoralising. It's not my fault that R's dad hasn't seen her in almost two years, nor is it my fault that he hasn't paid me any child support in a year or that before that it was an utterly pathetic £5 a week.

I do my best, but I just can't physically be in two places at once and right now I can't earn enough to support the two of us. The only difference between me and half of my friends who now have successful careers is that I didn't have an abortion, and in my opinion that makes me brave, but it makes me feel like sh*t when people look down on me and judge me for making a decision at 21 to do something that can at times be so hard that most people couldn't imagine, when I am the one who took the responsibility while her father (who is old enough to know better) is still sh@gging his way around London.

That said, I'm in love with my baby, she makes my life more worthwhile than I ever could have imagined possible. I'm proud of her and of who I am now, and I will fight tooth and nail to give her the best life I can.