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So ExH keeps telling DS that I'm not allowing contact despite the fact that I have sent him letter after letter through solicitor instigating contact...

(37 Posts)
Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 19:52:26

I really don't know what else I can do, exH keeps telling DS that I don't allow him to ring him, see him, spent time with him, despite the fact I have spent £100s in solicitors letters trying to increase the level of contact between them.

I'm feeling very frustrated, more so at seeing my son so angry with me when in fact is his father who is not interested enough in DS to ring him.

I insisted DS to ring him in CHristmas eve, a call exH used to tell DS I was telling lies to him as he wanted to spend time with him and I didn't allow him shock

The fact is, I offered to exH to have more days with DS, but he declined, I have sent letter after letter telling him he can ring DS and he doesn't. Yet he tells DS, my friends, and even my own family that I'm forbiding him to contact his son!

I'm at my wits end... is there anything I could do, apart of asking Radio 4 to read my letter in public so it gets clear that it is NOT me who is preventing him from contacting his son?

Molly333 Fri 08-Nov-13 21:35:05

Umm been here so can advise only too well! I hv spent a long long time being utterly utterly frustrated being constantly criticised and lied about , it went in for years and years and I was so angry as a result . Do you know when life got better. When he did what he wanted, when he finally couldn't be bothered , when I stopped all contact finally because he had hurt the children so much as he lied to them too . He now hasn't seen them for two years , we've had counselling which has been fantastic for me and the children and with that we've moved on soo so much . He's lost it all and were all ok. I'm no idiot , I'm doing a degree running my business and have raised my children for seven yrs utterly alone with no family at all, I was an utter wreck but we've survived all off us and we r actually better off, my fear was him not seeing the children for years I worried, in fact it's better, no more upset or crying here. The last thing he said to me was " I will always hate you your a cxxxnt ! " charming ! I don't actually care at all , he probably cared more when the police called to see him at 1.30am to discuss his comments . Hving them leave is not that bad !!!!

Mongolia Tue 05-Jan-10 18:05:19

I feel for you... I really do.

mrsmharket Tue 05-Jan-10 11:08:54

my ex is playing the innocent card too smile

Mongolia Tue 05-Jan-10 10:49:31

Thank you again.

I think the "why do you think your Dad is saying that?" is a good strategy... Will use that as my new mantra.

Yes, the cost of the phone... I am, at the time, in an all time low financially speaking (thanks to loosing my job due to asking for plenty of time off to pick up the pieces when exH decided not to have contact as agreed). So I do not want, on top of that, to spend the little money that I have on calls to exH... I guess I can get a pay as you go phone, inform the ex of the number and the lack of credit, and leave it on exH's hands to pay for the calls.

Ninjacat Mon 04-Jan-10 23:36:24

In my experience some men/people find it easier to be play the victim than put in the effort needed to be a good parent.

SleighGirl Mon 04-Jan-10 22:49:46

I think she got through £20 PAYG in the first week, all of which he has to pay grin.

Give them enough rope and they hang themselves!!!

If can let his attempts to control you really just wash over you and be chilled remembering it's his loss it is all much easier to cope with. After all you evidence that he is lying if you ever need to prove anything in the future.

edam Mon 04-Jan-10 22:41:56

Hey sleighgirl, that must be very satisfying...

Agree with solid, as thread has developed it's become clear this is not mere game-playing, it's abuse and control. Could the DV organisation offer any more advice? I don't want to put my foot in it, not being an expert or anything, but would be tempted to do the mobile thing and then not do anything else to help the bloody man.

Sleighgirl could well be onto something with 'why do you think Daddy says X?'.

SleighGirl Mon 04-Jan-10 22:22:01

YOu could do the "why do you think Daddy is saying that?"

"why do you think Daddy is saying I said that?"

I think he will say some perceptive stuff which shows he really does read between the lines......and you will have said enough without having said anything.

You can also say whenever appropriate "I'm happy for you to see Daddy as often as you want, just let him know that you'd like to see him"

I think ex BIL may be regretting buying 8 year old DN a mobile which he did purely to arrange to see DN without sil knowledge or permission - he just turns up a that house, returns them late, doesn't feed them etc etc etc

Do you know how many calls an 8 year old can make?

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 22:15:22

Solidbrass, yes, it is abuse and control, he wants to kick me into submission one way or another.

Aitch and Tiffany, will get the phone (and a designated shelf), and leave it at that.

Sleigh... I'm still dithering on which things I need to keep to myself and which ones are ok to be open about with DS.

DS is not stupid and knows there's a problem about money in all this (he has asked how is it that his dad is getting richer and richer while we are poorer and poorer). But telling him that he is doing us all that just for the money I think it may be a bit to hard on DS, besides DS will tell ex about that and that could back fire big time? Or am I being too kind?

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 22:10:32

Please pithyslicker, lets not turn this thread into a debate on whether this a myth or not, I do really need all the advise I'm getting.

HerBeatitude, yes he wants to play the innocent party, and seems to be particularly enjoying playing the victim, but sometimes is excruciating, ie. He is living with his new partner since almost a year ago, but he knows that cohabitation of a partner plays a role on the separation of assets so he is now pretending not to be living at her house (he keeps an empty beautiful furnished flat for this purpose). The other day DS came complaining he and his dad couldn't have sleepovers with the partner and her child anymore and that it was my fault. I really felt like saying "Oh no DS, don't worry about that, as soon as he takes the house from us, you will be staying over with them as often as before" Obvioulsy, I didn't said that, instead just told him that it was not my fault, that both of them could stay there whenever they wanted as long as his dad wanted to.

Will try gingerbread, and see what I can do.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh Mon 04-Jan-10 21:58:20

Pithyslicker: Mostly. Just like the myth about the millions of bitches who make up rape allegations - while a tiny number of women are dishonest and spiteful, far more are lied about.

pithyslicker Mon 04-Jan-10 21:46:42

'mysogynist myth of bitter ex denying contact'

Is it a myth then?

HerBeatitude Mon 04-Jan-10 21:31:55

Also agree with SGB.

To whoever said they couldn't understand why someone would lie about this: can't you? I can. It immediately establishes them as the innocent party in the eyes of everyone they meet (because most people are quite credulous and believe the mysogynist myth of bitter ex denying contact) and it gains them sympathy and understanding instead of the oppropribium they deserve. Quite a strong motivator IMO! It is so common that I'm surprised anyone is surprised by it tbh.

OP, you can't stop him lying like this, but you can change your response to it and stop allowing it to infuriate you - it's not worth your energy. Agree that you should call the Gingerbread hotline to get advice on what to tell your DS.

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 21:17:10

not for the first time i agree wholeheartedly with sgb, this is a continued situation of abuse. what a total, utter piece of shit to behave this way, just detestable.
i think i'd offer the mobile, get it noted in a solicitor's letter that it is there, and then move forward with the 'dad is unhappy' line from everyone you know. is there someone else who ds and you trust who could act as a sounding board for your son? a male?

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jan-10 21:11:54

so if third party are responsible for handovers and communication is in a book,then its there plain for everyone to see. people will realise its not you blocking contact,its him not taking it!!

wouldn't worry what people think of you

SleighGirl Mon 04-Jan-10 21:11:28

Mongolia I think you can tell your ds that his Dad is very very angry about money and he is saying nasty things to hurt you and to make ds think nasty things about you.

Sadly soon to be ex-bil is being a similar d*ckhead with SIL.

Perhaps if you play completely cool with your ex, don't try and initiate etc etc etc I will miss your attention/realise you really don't care and perhaps actually want to see his son again!

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh Mon 04-Jan-10 21:09:32

OK your X's behaviour is about abusing you. That's what motivates him - to make your life as difficult as possible because you have refused to submit to and obey him and because he is a complete bellend. So maybe it would help to get the rest of your family on board to say that 'Daddy tells fibs because he's unhappy, he does love you but things are difficult for him' or something similar and don't rise to the bait with X, refuse all contact between him and yourself.

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 21:00:58

Edam, I talked to an organisation that helps victims of domestic violence and they told me I just needed to be very factual with DS like saying "I don't know why he has done "that" but I can assure you he loves you very much"

Then, comes ex and tells him he didn't want to do "that" but I made him do it hmm

Someway I feel many women won't be as patient as I have been and instead of being kicked repeatedly on the teeth would have reduced contact to protect the child and themselves. I really don't want to get to this, but having DS accusing me of being a liar, and seeing him so upset at all this... I'm starting to think whether I should be acting different...

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:54:14

Aitch, I have tried to speak to him, despite the fact he has been acting like a proper bully for months. As he was becoming very aggressive, I suggested mediation. As soon as mediation started things became far worse. Police needed to get involved after that.

He is now only allowed to contact me via solicitors or parents booklet, but there are plenty of measures in place which allow him to contact DS (like handover in public places, or for him to ring ds without the need to talk to me, for DS to ring him whenever he wants, my family and friends have offered and do help to facilitate the contact with DS, but he declines. I'm even handing DS to his very rude new partner, as otherwise DS wouldn't see his dad, yet... he puts the blame on me).

I'm scared, but I'm willing to put my fears/safety/and even dignity to the side to improve the situation of DS. Not that that has helped at all.

mrsjammi Mon 04-Jan-10 20:49:00

Message withdrawn

edam Mon 04-Jan-10 20:46:50

Maybe an organisation like Gingerbread would have some advice re. how to talk to ds about this? So you don't get blamed by ds for his father's inadequacies, while not upsetting ds by pointing out those inadequacies, IYKWIM?

DwayneDibbley Mon 04-Jan-10 20:46:12

Message withdrawn

edam Mon 04-Jan-10 20:44:51

So sorry your ex is being such a selfish hypocrite and letting ds down so badly.

Thing is, however hard you try to present solutions such as the mobile, if he is more interested in painting himself as the victim than in actually doing right by his own son, then it isn't going to work and will just drive you mad. Suggest you could try the mobile as a last-ditch attempt but then stop trying to sort out his mess if he won't have it tidied up.

I dunno, how would he react if you suggested mediation?

Btw, suspect your ds's father is not alone, if that's any comfort. There are plenty of people who cover up their own failures by claiming 'ooh, it's my ex not allowing me to see my own child'. Gits.

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 20:39:43

you've not spoken to him, i take it? it's a tragic situation, totally no-win for you unless you're prepared to break ds's heart.

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:37:11

Aitch, I think he is trying to punish me for getting the court involved for the sep of assets. All this started the day he got the notification.

Having said that he has been threatening me with leaving me homeless, if I used a solicitor. Court was unavoidable and someway I was prepared to loose the house, but I was not expecting exH to use DS to punish me.

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