Concerned about Ex

[robd]

My ex and I have been separated for about a year. We still live quite close and I am aware that life as a single parent who also works part time is difficult.

So I still go round and help out - giving her time to go out for exercise classes or shopping as need be in the evening. I help with some of the house jobs as well. Not because I am trying to be a hero or anything like that but I am just trying to help her out.

Somehow she seems to be always busy and have lots of jobs to do. Once my little boy (aged 4) has gone to bed, she seems to be constantly finding things to do and not going to bed till midnight.

This gets her really stressed and tired and I seem to get the brunt of it. Right now she getting stressed about Xmas. I have offered to help her with shopping and in coming round to give her some time to go and do what she needs.

However she will only go after my little boy has gone to bed. She won't go during the day even with my son nor will she even be flexible with me looking after him while she gets what she needs.

What worries me is she seems to insist on doing all the jobs in the evening and goes out to do fun things on her days off. It's like all the boring house stuff waits till he's gone to bed.

I can't bring this up with her - everytime I try to bring it up , I just get yelled at and made to feel guilty because it's my fault she's so busy. It is just so tempting to say s*d it, I will only come round and pick him up and you can forget any support in the house that I have been giving.

You are probably going to tell me that being a single parent is really busy, but I bet some of you manage to relax at least part of the evening. She works 2 1/2 days by the way. I just want her to be a little less stressed for her sake.

[MrsMorgan]

I am unsure as to why she is discussing what she does of an evening with you anyway.

Also, does it matter if she does all of her jobs in the evening ? other than that she is moaning about it.

[robd]

Because I get a phone call saying can I come round and give her a hand because she has been so busy during the day that she hasn't had a chance to do the washing, ironing, cleaning up, preparing the veg for the next day. Oh and she also needs a swim because she hasn't had her exercise fix for the day.

Yet when she has spent the same day visiting friends, going out to the local museum or tea shop, I do find it extremely hard to reconcile her busyness and jobs to do with the day she has had.

She ends up in tears on the phone to me and her mum, she sounds extremely unhappy and I am worried about her. That is why I am discussing it because I do still care about her and don't want to see her having a breakdown.

[MrsMorgan]

Tbh, I think you might be helping her too much.

It is hard being a single mum (I am one) but if she is going to survive then she does need to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Can I ask who's desicion it was to split ?

[robd]

Mutual. We drifted apart over the years and the love and affection vanished. I was too busy with my work (as a teacher) and we seemed to stop caring about each other. We both thought that it would be better for our son to be bought up in an environment where both partners cared for each other rather than a sham pretence.

You are probably right - I might be helping her too much. Other people have said that. I do find it hard to say no but after yet another guilt trip because I went out and had a social life rather than go and give her some time, I think I will put my foot down.

[iliketurquoise]

you seem very thoughtful and helpful.
i think when 2 people split its best to do regular contact for the child, i mean; you take your son at regular times, she can do whatever she needs at those times.
that way, you and her; everybody knows where they stand.
you are so different than the fathers who just disappear and dont see their children many years; who dont want to know them.
you should be proud of yourself; but regular contact is more appropriate i guess.

[elastamum]

It really isnt your business to judge how she runs her day now you are not together. It is nice to offer to give her some time but surely it is up to her how she spends it.
Perhaps it would be healthier if you would decide between you what days you will help out so she gets some time off and agree a schedule. what she then does with her time is her business not yours. My ex used 'helping' as a means of trying to control or 'fix' me to do what he thought was the right thing. Eventually I got fed up with his 'help' and critisism of my way of life

[chubbasmum]

Hi Rob i think all single women would love a man like you but i agree with MrsMorgan you are doing too much for her and it sounds as if she is taking advantage of your generosity, what im trying to say is if you come across as weak, stressed and helpless people will do loads for you. Im a single mum myself my youngest is 21 months old i work 3 days a wk its hard but you just have to get on with it. Sounds like she`s not accepting that you no longer live together

[cestlavielife]

she is repsonsible for her wellbeing not you.

as others said, set a clear schedule and stick to it so she knows when you come when tyou dont.

your duty is to your son, so agree times when you will take care of him. is up to her then what she does in that time off.

i think you should have set times you ahve your son at your place, and if you both agree, a set day when you babysit him in the evening at her place.

stick to the routine.

unless it real emergency, dont go on the other days.

[badietbuddy]

Is this a piss take? I am a single parent and don't get to bed til past midnight as I spend my evenings doing all the jobs I can't do while the dc are awake. I don't think you understand that if she doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Noone else is going to do the laundry, the washing up, the endless hoovering and tidying. There's no point doing it while the dc are awake as they will just mess everything up again before they go to bed.
I don't understand the point of your post at all