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When do you call it a day?

(69 Posts)
fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 17:51:30

The father of my children has dissapeared again. Stopped my money and not contacted us for a month. From past experience we won't hear from him for another two, he will then say he couldn't see his children as i am a bitch but he has punished me enough and now will give me a break.
Also he says he stops my money as it is the only way he can effect me and make me suffer. C.S.A. have had his details for 18 months and have done nothing.
Anyway in the past i have let him then have his children and he builds up his relationship again.
This is the first time i have not contacted him begging for money or encouraged him to be a good father. I have had enough and will not try and change him anymore. What i want to know is has anyone decided enough is enough with random contact and stopped the relationship. Or are some of you letting this pattern carry on for years on end. I'm interested in what we should and will put up with and how long you let them act like selfish tossers. I have posted along these lines before about a bad dad being better than no dad and vice versa. Just shows what i difficult decision it is and i can never really work out what is the best and healthiest option for my boys.

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 18:08:06

Hello fairyfly

I am not in your position but I just wanted to say I am sorry your ex behaves in this way. I think it is absolutely awful and men should have contact with their children but they shouldn't drop in and out of their lives (both financially and emotionally) like that.

My ex sees his daughter regularly but I sometimes wonder if that will always be the case and I don't think I could put up with it if he wasn't committed to see her regularly!! It must be so difficult for you and your children.

I really like what you said about not trying to change him. I always try to remember that, you just can't change people as much as you might want to and try!!

I really don't know what to advise (sorry!!), I hope someone else is more useful!

fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 18:18:11

Thanks weesadie, i am glad you have regular contact, i see my childrens confidence constanly effected by unreliability and i'm not sure they seem to realise how delicate children are. I hope he carries on.

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 18:21:16

Me too FF, me too...

Who knows what will happen if and when he has a 'new family' but at the moment he clearly loves her and is committed.

What are you leaning towards with your ex? I wonder if it is better for their health and happiness to see their father sporadically or to be more settled without him?

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 18:23:46

PS. Hope I didn't sound smug about my situation! Just wanted to explain my own situation is different.

He abandoned me when pg though so it is always a worry that he will decide (again) that he doesn't want to be a dad!

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 18:25:01

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weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 18:29:04

You sound very sensible happymumof2!! And you are probably right.

Children will grow up and make their own decisions re. their parents and the way they have behaved... they will always know you have ALWAYS been there for them and tried your best.

fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 18:30:36

I just want him to get on with his life, see them every fortnight and drop his hatred for me. It was working well for a few months and i saw my eldest boy bloom with pride. Each time out of complete idiocy i think he has changed and has come commited to them. This latest stunt has proved it will never be the case and i am wondering what the hell to say when he nexts gets in touch. I recieved an email off him saying " when one is bitter one will find that happiness lands on anothers door"
he is obsessive about his feeling towards his relationship with me instead of what his children need. I have no idea where it will all end but i am not that impressed about him being a role model two my children. But they need a father whoever it is. See, waffling, totally and utterly confused as ever about the best option.

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 18:35:01

I would also be very confused FF and upset by the whole nightmare situation.

He really needs to leave his feelings for you out of it. The children are what counts but it seems he just can't see that at the moment... maybe in time he can move on and have a healthy relationship with you and them? I don't know the details of your situation though so I really don't know if you think that is possible??

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 18:37:26

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fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 18:41:46

he needs to forget his feelings for me, he sent a text the other month saying he has never hated somebody so much in his life. I don't even talk to him and we split up two years ago. Happymum, we have been to mediation, he has picked them up from my parents, we have even driven to where he lives and dropped them off. None of it has worked. It always always breaksdown after two months or so.

Caligula Sun 26-Jun-05 19:02:19

ff can you just be passive about it and if and when he turns up, make arrangements for them to see him, and if he doesn't, just don't bother to get in contact with him? Or is that what you're already doing and is it too damaging for the children?

I think the problem is that you can never really call it a day. It's insoluble. My DS is 6 and has started to realise that everyone else has a dad and he doesn't and he's now asking about him. I'm wondering whether I should encourage him to phone him, or whether that will open a can of worms best kept shut. And xp has never had contact with ds and dd since we split up, except via christmas and birthday cards.

My point being, that even where no contact has taken place, the dilemma about whether contact should happen or not, will still be there.

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 19:04:56

Two years is a long time to carry such bitterness around, and it does seem as if that is a big part of the problem.

It also seems to be that you are making a lot of effort to try and improve the situation and he is making none which really annoys me.

He needs to change and that makes it more infuriating as there is no way for you to make that happen!

fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 19:14:06

Thats what im doing Caligula, not sure if it is damaging for the children, i think they are ok but i worry about them as the grow older. I asked them yesterday if they wanted to ring him or missed him, they both said no. They also asked if they could ring my boyfriend and asked him to come round. It is such a shame that my x is loosing them i think.

Two years is a long time weesadie, he is insane.

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:20:03

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fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 19:22:25

Yes you are probably right, i can only play it by ear really. A lot of it is down to the way it makes me feel too though, i am tired of it. I am dreading the phone rining, i am bored with his abuse and i get exasperated that i know it will never have a conclusion/

Caligula Sun 26-Jun-05 19:24:34

I think it sounds atm as if it's ok to carry on allowing him contact as and when he wants it, but not to actively phone him unless the boys want to.

The sooner he gets the message that he's responsible for his relationship with his sons, the better (she says, wondering whether to take responsibility for her xp's relationship with his kids...)

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:24:54

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fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 19:31:50

Yes he was happymum and i see him for what he is more and more with my new relationship, for some obscure reason i thought it was normal to be shouted at.
Caligula i will do nothing anymore

Caligula Sun 26-Jun-05 19:34:12

I'd forgotten that bit ff. I would say that if he's still abusive to you (even verbally) then I'd make even less effort at contact. Children shouldn't be taught that abusive behaviour is OK.

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:35:30

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fairyfly Sun 26-Jun-05 19:44:49

It sounds ridiculous but even though i no longer love him he still can make me feel like shit. I make him stand at the door, last time he needed the toilet so i let him in, he picked up my sketch book and laughed at it then threw it on the floor. Things like that every fortninght really grind you down. I don't see him and become a happy confident person and he will ruin it in seconds. I need to learn to be uneffected as much as he needs to learn to be a father. Somethings he does are sick, i had run out of electricity and he made me beg and tell him he was always right before he would lend me ten pounds.
When he found out i had a new boyfriend he said that he would email him and warn him that i am a selfish game playing whore. I do not want my children learning this is ok behaviour but he maybe wonderful to them and they may never witness his opinions.
I would like to never see him again because i do not want to be put down for the rest of my life. it is not always so easy to shrug off.

weesaidie Sun 26-Jun-05 19:50:29

That is awful FF, he sounds like a complete and utter arsehole and I find myself wondering now if such a person really should see your children... how could they look up to and respect someone like that?

I think I would leave it. If he takes it upon himself to change both towards you and your children then that is different but at the moment his behaviour is despicable....

Making u beg for £10 for electricity?? What a s**t!

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:57:15

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HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 19:57:57

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