Advice please - want a break from meeting exH

[AutumnLady]

I'm looking for advice/opinions so please don't flame me for this.

I divorced exh due to his adultery this year and had to go to Court to get financials etc sorted out which is still ongoing but a whole other story. He agreed to my Statement of Arrangements for DS (who's now nearly 13 months) back in February and didn't ask for any access rights at all, and it was noted that it would be at my discretion he just had to give notice of when he would like to see him.

Things are getting bad now with the flat that we owned and he's basically allowing it to get repossessed and I have to fight the mortgage company as my name is on he account, even though the court order states it is his responsibility and he indemnifies me against any payments. It is causing a lot of stress and at the moment DS and I live with my parents as I can't afford to rent somewhere until the rest of the maintenance is paid to me. This was agreed in Court that some monies are payed monthly now and then once the flat is gone, another amount is also due monthly. He last saw DS at the end of august with dates arranged for september and october. I had to cancel the one in september due to DS's chickenpox and then he cancelled october due to his grandmother being very ill. It remained amicalbe (to a point) but no other dates were put forward, until he demanded access on ds's birthday in november and then again on the bank holiday after xmas. Neither of these were convenient so I gave alternative dates which he couldn't do - which is my fault apparently He then wanted to see him on the second saturday of every month starting in the New Year. I tentatively agreed but with everything else he is putting me through at the moment and the lies he has told mutual friends, I really don't want to be anywhere near him and feel like cancelling this agreement until things have calmed down.

I honestly can't bring myself to have to sit with him in the local shopping centre when he's made my life hell and as there is no order for contact in place - am I being unfair and selfish or just in need of some space?

Thanks for reading all this and apologies it's so long

[cestlavielife]

why do you have to "sit with him in the local shopping centre "?

if you trust him with Ds then hand him over and go, let him deal.

or have your parents hand him over so you dont need to be involved?

having said that "on the second saturday of every month starting in the New Year" which is only once a month - not really frequent enough for a small child? to get used to being with dad?

short times and regular and often would be better if feasible?

[ChocHobNob]

As much as you're fed up with him ... your son shouldn't miss out on building a relationship with his Dad full stop, because of it. He's proposing what you have wanted. A more formal and regular contact agreement.

Like cestlavie said, why do you have to sit in a shopping centre with him? Can he not take ds somewhere for the contact period? Home, relatives house, soft play etc etc?

All you would have to do is see him at pick up/drop off or get a third party to do those and you have no contact at all.

[mmrred]

It is a generally held belief that (barring abuse) it is good for children to have relationships with both parents. It might not be good for you to have a relationship with this person, but you get to choose what he is to you - eg an X. Have as little contact with him as is practical/possible.

But this is DS's father. They need to build a relationship and he's asked for staggeringly little contact, really. As difficult and painful as it is you need to separate the issues that are between him and you (financial/emotional/divorce etc) and those that are about him and DS.

[harimosmummy]

I'd really push for a few hours each week or nothing.

it's not fair on young kids to just have some stranger pick them up once a month.

3 hours every saturday would be my opening gambit

[AutumnLady]

Thanks all for your replies.

The whole shopping centre thing came about as it is the only neutral place to meet. I currently live back with my parents and they don't want exh to come to the house. Ex now lives with OW in Europe, allegedly, so seems not to have anywhere to live here, even though he is still employed by a UK firm. I will look into soft play areas too though, so thanks for that idea.

I don't trust him with DS at all so it is not an option to just leave him with him. Since we moved out in March he has seen DS 4 times (his choice) and has never spent any time alone with him or ever changed a nappy. Even when we still lived in the same property after DS was born, he never pitched in to help leaving me to do absolutely everything - feeds (night and day), nappies, baths, laundry, shopping etc etc. The whole second saturday idea came from exh and when i suggested that it wouldn't be enough to start building a proper relationship he just shrugged and said that was all the time he had! I agree with all of you that DS shouldn't suffer just because we have divorced but he can't/won't commit to any more than this one period of time. And it's not seeing him for a whole day either, it's for a couple of hours. Again, this is decreed by him and I have tried to point out that a couple of hours a month is not enough.

It's such a mess. I get stressed for a week before any visit and he winds me up a treat when I do have to be around him and then spreads lies about me. I know that many people have it a lot worse but it makes me

[cestlavielife]

the only option then is to employ a third party to take DS to meet his dad - it sounds like your ex is using it as an opportunity to get at you.

so do you already have a childminder/babysitter? friend who you leave him with?

you need to find someone else who sees your son regulary, who you trust, and have that person take him to see his dad and stay there.

if you have to pay them so be it.

tehre are solutions to this, you really dont ahve to be directly involved with the times your son sees his dad.

[AutumnLady]

Thanks cestlavie, I think I'll get my parents to take him. They can't stand exh but will be quiet and just do what needs to be done. I don't have a childminder etc as he goes to nursery and have only moved back to the area recently and wouldn't want to get my friends involved.
Thanks again for being helpful