Pls Help! Court, contact, DV ......

[arwen123]

Hi
Need some opinions everyone please.
Separated from husband a year ago - he walked out, no reasons although I suspect there was someone else. Anyway - loooonng history of him with depression, substance abuse, alcoholism, DV to me. I always did the parenting 100%. Kids 7 and 9 yrs old. After he left I offered supervised contact only because kids weren't happy with anything else and his behaviour was eratic to say the least. He refused this - wanted it on his terms or nothing.
Then kids revealed he had been violent with them & exposed them to porn on reg basis. After death threats, stalking & kids witnessing DV incident with him assaulting me, we fled our hometown.
Eventually he submitted court application for contact and we are in middle of this. I have involved police who spoke to children but couldn't get enough from them to be able to press charges. Social services involved to help us - they are completely happy with how I care for them etc.
Fact finding hearing pending but we have just had a pre hearing where judge basically said I was blocking contact, not upholding his rights and unless I can prove father is lying then no reason he shouldn't have contact etc. Cafcass not scheduled to be involved til AFTER fact finding. Kids do not want to see him at all and I have been working with social worker to overcome alot of issues with them emotionally. Now they are doing really well.
My worries are these: with a judge with such an attitude, I am worried that he will dismiss the welfare allegations, even though most are admitted to by ex, will not then get a welfare report ordered by cafcass and will just award contact. Social services are submitting a report which should help. What if the judge takes the kids from me because he thinks I am just blocking contact?? I just want them to be safe and happy - and not put back to square 1 emotionally.
What can I do to ensure the children's needs, wishes and feelings are represented fairly so a fair decision can be reached with their welfare as a priority - no the fathers rights above them

[Meglet]

bumping for you. Hope someone can give you more info.

[cestlavielife]

firs off - you will probably get a different judge next time , unless this judge specifically said "list with ME"...so unless you are pretty certain you will have same judge then relax a little - by next hearing you will have more reports from SS etc and hopefully a different judge...

they are different - and can depend on the day...second hearing we had a judge who ahdnt read reports etc and automatically asssumed i was nasty bitter ex just trying to prevent contact.... (similar story his depression, dv, kids didnt want to see him unsupervised etcetc).

a year later, another hearing, same judge - and now plenty of evidence that i was reasonable he was not...

make sure the Ss report gets submitted to court in time and have a copy for you and your solicitor.

get any police reports, crime numbers etc to submit as evidence that he is a threat.

the judge will NOT order SS to take kids away - first it is very expensive for SS to take kids into care and lots of procedures to go thru!!

and secondly you are actively workign with SS and they are happy with your care.

so - keep working with SS, express your concerns to your social worker and make sure that the report submittted by Ss is very clear.

any school etc reports showing how they have settled may be important too.

you can make it clear you willing for supervised contact at a contact centre - subject to the children agreeing.

make it clear that while you appreciate right sof childrne to knwo their father and for contact to take place you ahve serious concerns and as there has been time without contact and kids fearful, it needs to be supervised, observved, assessed and gradual.

make it more about concern about how the kids are reacting to idea of seeing him and state any specific police reports, crime reference numbers etc.

yes you need to show you doing everything to allow contact adn for it to happen but there are serious concerens therefore it can only be properly supervised and with willingness for him to work with the children to address their concerns and fears.

state you want proper professionals involved - make it clear you happy for them to be seen by professional family therapist to get their views. but that you are concerned about emotional damage to them from seeing him .

so stick to supervised contact is what you will agree to, given theconcerns. this shoudl also helptn eh kids - you can explain dad wants to see you but it will be aranged in special centre with someone else there at all times that you can go to if you have any issues.

our local contact centre offers for example -
Assessment / Supervised Contact - Referrers info


This is a process to be used when both parties are locked in dispute over the issue of contact and where there is prolonged conflict due to concerns about substance abuse, domestic violence, mental health issues, abduction and possible child abuse/neglect etc. Additionally it can be used when a child has not seen their natural parent for a considerable length of time, or are confused as to whether they want to have contact.


The Assessment will be co-ordinated and managed by trained workers within the Accord, who will work as part of a team.

In order for any referral to be processed:


It will need to be Court ordered.


The Court should also be asked for leave to disclose all of the relevant papers to the Accord Centre.


Unless the parties are paying for the assessment themselves, Legal Aid will need to be applied for. (Please contact us for more details).


Once a completed referral, the Court Order and relevant papers have been received by us, together with a Letter of Authority for the Legal Services Commission, in respect of payment for the intended Assessment, the case can then be forwarded for allocation.


On allocation, both parties will be invited, separately to attend an initial assessment meeting. The purpose of such a meeting is:


To introduce the Accord?s team of workers
To outline the process of the assessment and the rules concerning any contact undertaken.
To discuss the parents concerns about undertaking the assessment.
To agree availability for future meetings.

If either party does not attend this meeting the matter will have be referred back to Court.


When the initial meetings have taken place, the team will contact the referring solicitor to indicate the proposed date for filing the Court Report in order that an appropriate date can then be arranged for a further hearing.


Once the Assessment process has commenced, we would undertake only minimal communication with referrers, as we wish to ensure issues arising from the assessment are resolved within the Centre

[arwen123]

Thanks for your advice - that is really helpful and good to know. I think we are scheduled to have the same judge unfortunately but social services report is due this week.
I am concerned that a judge may just say I am blocking contact and take the children off me - to give to him!! The judge seemed to be very pro fathers rights - which is great when there are no genuine concerns. Social worker says they won't give the kids to him but I am worried.
I offered supervised contact to him until we fled our hometown earlier this year but after we left I offered no further proposals as I had no further direct contact with him. The fact that we have not seen him for 8 months has done us all the world of good - as social worker says, the children are far more emotionally stable now and probably could cope with a bit of supervised contact. My 9yo however is adamant that he wants no contact - has told ss it makes him angry to talk about/think about his dad.
I now feel like I am being made to look like I have done something wrong by not making all the offers etc for contact but I have been a slave to that man for 15 years and he made mine and the kids lives miserable. The flip side though was that I couldn't see it - despite how he treated me, back then I believed it was all my fault and after he left I begged him to come home!!! Can't believe I did that but now he is crowing about that in court as if it makes him a saint - he is on such a power trip!!
He has taken me to court for contact but as to now, we still have no idea what it is he is asking for - because he hasn't asked for anything - not even interim contact!! My barrister thinks he is just doing this to get at me because I moved away with the children and said "no" to him for the first time in a long time.

[SolidGoldBangers]

Bad luck with the judge but it sounds as though you have more than enough evidence (and SS on your side) to stop your X getting his own way.
Do bear in mind that men like him very, very often use the court process like this, not because they actually want to see their DC, but purely in order to upset you: unfortunately they do have the right to start court proceedings etc even when there is no chance of them succeeding.

What a knob he is.

[cestlavielife]

ugh on the judge - however, given theevidence SS report etc you will present you should not worry too much...

would your 9 year old be ok to come to court and state his views? I would suggest you speak to the CAFCASS officers linked to the court and ask their advice - we have had a CAFCASS officer (linked to the court, not the ones allocated to do reports etc later) sat in on most of the hearings, to advise and assist the judge . eg the one sitting in at hearing in dec 2008 offered herself to supervise a contact visit before xmas with their dad (who was doing his "i am not allowed to see my children poor me" bit), as the contact centre referral had not materialised by then.

even tho CAFCASS not yet invovled per se - it might be possible for you to ensure your child's view is heard at next hearing by speaking to cAFCASs now, asking what arrangements could be made for the 9 year old to attend the hearing and give his view. the court will have a CAFCASS office right there. call or go see them.

i really do not think they would "give" kids to him - they cannot go from no contact to shared residency - just from the kids point of view! but the judge may push for regular contact with a view to leading to that discussion -but that will be way down the line. by thn he will have proved himself one way or the other...

just insist on supervised contact to allow the kids to rebuild relationship - state you not blocking that at all - hopefully with SSa nd your 9 year old's views that will be all that is on the cards at this stage.

i can certainly identify with "I have been a slave to that man for 15 years and he made mine and the kids lives miserable. The flip side though was that I couldn't see it - despite how he treated me, back then I believed it was all my fault "...

my exP had glowing reports from contact centre and certainly i was happy and kids were happy with those two weekly two hour sessions...- but once it was pushed outside contact centre (still supervised) he had more responsibility for arangements and was unable to cope... it will take time - so that will be on your side (and kids' side)

eg we had first hearing oct 08, ordered section 7 report, referral to contact centre - dec 08 - no contact centre sessions ahd taken place, he objected to paying half (as ahd beena greed in order to move things faster) and delayed things by asking for funding from cafcass - a planned hearing for april 09 was postponed to august - by then there had been contact centre sessions, and judge ordered supervised (by adult we agreed to) contact outside the centre - suddenly went to two evenings a week plus weekends - but he couldnt cope missed sessions et - now we have one evening per week plus alternate weekends day time - but all supervised still.

jsudge did say "we like to see things move to unsupervised" but given current situation (his mental health, he refused to engage in cAFCASS family conference ie a mediated family meeting) etc etc - i also now has a residence order in my favour and he only has supervised contact. we shall see how that goes...

as you say, kids are fine and so much happier since we left him...

[arwen123]

Thanks guys - I feel a bit calmer. Just waiting for my social worker to arrive now.
So how is it going to work/what could I suggest along the lines of supervised contact? I moved to be away from him "stalking" and threatening me - to be near family but he is saying I did it just to spite him - we now live 5 hours away from him. I wouldn't think every other weekend even would be feasible for him - he would have to get someone to bring him because he has never learned to drive. I don't have the money to drag the children half way back up the country to even meet him half way.
How does long distance supervised contact work?

[cestlavielife]

hmmm - where is the court hearing? near you? how does he get to that?

what is he proposing?

why cant he learn to drive? if he wants to be involved with his kids could be a first step to show commitment... (unless medical condition precludes)

i would suggest a contact centre near you initially - he has to put himself out to come there and see them.....you say he walked out so he took that decision...)

no one can expect children to go overnight with someone after that time without contact and given the concerns.

you can look up local contact centres here
www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php

[arwen123]

The court hearings are all near us. He is driven here by his parents - he still lives with them. He has never learned to drive because he can't be bothered and doesn't have to because his Dad always takes him everywhere - even to work every morning even though they only live 2 miles away and it's on a good bus route.
Social worker says the report will be really positive and will really focus on the childrens wishes and feelings. She thinks what will be offered to him initially will be very small indeed given the length of time with no contact and given the issues.

[cestlavielife]

how do your kids get on with the grandparents?

your ex might propose them as supervisors...

how feasible is that?

[arwen123]

ahhh well - grandparents threw their lot in with him, emotionally abused the kids by interrogating them shortly after he left, helped him break into our house to steal the family pc etc. Told the kids they "would like to get their bare hands on me and my family as we are horrible people" - kids now don't want to see them either!!!! It is all quite awful.

[cestlavielife]

oh dear - they need supervising as well then!

one to watch though as he might present them to court as loving grandparents who will be happy to supervise his contact....

you/your solicitor need to be ready to rpsond with neutral territory, contact centre would be best for all concerned.

grandparents could also visit with kids at contact centre if that is agreed .