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How do i build myself a new life..?

(10 Posts)
gooders2274 Thu 16-Jun-05 19:09:19

My ex left me 8 months ago after 13 yrs together, at the time our kids were 6yrs and 2months. He went straight into another relationship, he doesnt live with her but spends most of his time there.
I am getting by ok day to day, i'm glad i'm not with him anymore and i cope just fine on my own even though i do find it very lonely at times.
My problem is that their dad only has them 2 afternoons a month, he was having them wed and thurs evenings but after school it was too uch of a mad rush and he was bringing them back after their bedtime and totally upseting their routine. he wont have them any extra time over weekends as he claims to be too busy. My mum refuses to babysit at weekends and i dont have anyone else to have them - so how do i build a new life for myself when i sit in 7 nights a week.? I cant have a social life (bar the odd night out when best pal can have them). I feel really guilty about it and as much as i islike their dad i'm thinking about pushing for him to have them overnight e/o wkend. If i cant ever go out and have a break, some fun, meet new people etc i think i will end up going mad - i'm only 31, and i dont want to end up a bitter lonely old woman.

gooders2274 Thu 16-Jun-05 19:10:44

sorry that should say 'dislike' their dad

Caroline5 Thu 16-Jun-05 21:30:16

gooders I really sympathise - it is very lonely at times isn't it? I'm in the same boat with very little opportunity to go out, my kids' dad does not have them at all at the moment, he sees them with me there (he had a drink problem and I'm not ready to let him have them on his own yet), parents/family not nearby to help.

It sounds really difficult for you as your second child is only 2 months. It is hard enough with a young baby without trying to do it all on your own with no break. Will your Mum babysit during the week?

mancmum Thu 16-Jun-05 21:32:09

could you make friends with other local mums and get a baby sitting circle set up?

Sheila Fri 17-Jun-05 14:25:19

Hi Gooders - I feel much the same. XDP only sees ds (aged 5) during the day at my house at weekends. Won't co-operate with having ds at his house overnight, and ds doesn't want to go so I haven't pushed it.

I'd suggest at least raising it with your ex. Have your arguments ready and try to be calm. I assume you weren't married? If you were then access can be sorted out legally.

Having said all the above I've got nowhere with getting free time. I sit in every night and I suppose I just accept that that's the way it is for now. Mostly I'm too tired to care. Otherwise it's a fortune on babysitters.

I hope you can manage to make some time for yourself.

I have found though that my friends will babysit for me occassionally, without expecting anything in return (I can hardly reciprocate). I try not to ask too often and am effusively grateful. Ask people - they may not realise how much in need of help you are.

Listmaker Fri 17-Jun-05 14:39:47

gooders I sympathise too. My ex completely disappeared 5 years ago when mine were 2 and 3 months old. Luckily my parents live nearby and will babysit but I don't like to ask too often as they help enough in the daytime.

I had a few short-lived and pretty rubbish relationships and had really resigned myself to staying in all the time. In fact I quite liked it in lots of ways and can honestly say I never felt lonely. I saw lots of people in the daytime, got the dds off to bed and put my feet up with the TV or a book for the evenings and really loved it!

But I then met someone on-line!! I just signed up for the dating bit of friends reunited for a bit of a laugh and saw his profile, contacted him and 9 months later we're madly in love! I would never have expected it but it's great (though to have a night in by myself like the old days is LOVELY sometimes!!). I got my Mum to babysit for the 1st date but since then he has come over to mine more really and once the kids got to know each other we could all go and stay over at his and when his dds are with their Mum he comes to stay. At first it was hard to see each other a lot (his eldest dd was full time with him then) but it's fine now. So you can have a good life and sometimes even a love life (usually when you least expect it!)!.

So look on-line - it can be a nightmare but I am living proof it works and I have other friends that have met their dps on-line too. I never knew where to go on a night out anyway as I'm a bit old for clubbing (10 years older than you!!). But also enjoy this time with your kids - I will always be glad we had those years just the three of us I think.

Good luck gooders!

sheepgomeep Tue 21-Jun-05 17:05:53

I sympathise too, my ex buggered off last year with a 16 year old after over 9 years together and are together still although they don't (at the moment) live together.

I'm over the worst of it and coping quite well on my own but lately although I've got my friends I feel quite lonely, even for him.

My ex does see the kids at the weekend although its got less slightly lately and he's started to miss weekends so he can take his new girlfriend to concerts etc. He does come round now and again in the week when he's in a good mood or he's had a row with her. Others times he is a nasty little tw*t

Building up a good circle of friends is important although its finding the friends thats the difficult bit! Mancmum idea of a babysitting circle is a good one, I go to homestart and I have good friends that don't have kids too but then I appreciate that I'm lucky to have this (they are ex friends of ex lol which helped!)

I think if your ex can have the kids for 1 night or so every other weekend or whatever then that'd be great. If you can put your own personal feelings aside then it can be a benefit to you, your kids and even your ex. Your ex and kids get to spend more time together and you get a social life. I go out when my ex has the kids and I'm not working (works about 1 sat night a month, even more sometimes depending on work) and its great. I feel almost normal again lol.

Sorry for the ramble lol I hope it makes sense!

Nightynight Tue 21-Jun-05 18:05:06

when Ive solved this one, Ill let you know!
Its worse in summer, coming out of work in lovely weather and long summer evenings.

Bugsy2 Wed 22-Jun-05 12:47:41

Gooders, I would definitely try and get your ex to take them more. I had exactly the same problem with my ex-H but I put serious pressure on him to take the children more often and now he has them every second weekend, which is great.
I also work and that has given me a social life too. Can you try and find a babysitter. Even if money is tight it would be worth it - maybe twice a month for you to have a night out.

nearly40 Mon 27-Jun-05 16:10:25

Lots of sympathy gooders having been in the same boat myself (split after 14 years together). You are only 31 and your youngest is very little. My ex is a selfish twat who left so he could discover himself and become the oldest swinger in town. I made sure I always told him how much the kids loved seeing him and encouraged him to see the kids as much as possible. Now they are older he finds it easier and has them every other w/nd overnight which works out fine. I think you need to sit down with ex and explain that you are worried you will crack up if you don't get the odd night off once a month (say). Perhaps every other w/end might be unreaslistic at present but could he not agree to 24 hours once a month. If he says no, you could ask him to agree to this once the baby is a bit older. Explain that this is what the vast majority of divorced dads do.

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