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okay, tell me how you do it?

(14 Posts)
PrammyMammy Tue 03-Nov-09 23:17:28

I don't know how to be a single mum.

My dp of 5 years has left. We have 2 dcs, ds who will be 2 in dec and a dd who is 7 weeks old. He told me he wanted to leave me 2 years ago but then found out i was pg with ds so stayed (why have dd?) He said if we didn't have the dcs things would be better between us. He is demanding the dc's overnight at his parents. So i will have to stop bf dd. which is making this so much harder. i don't know how to handle this.

VinegarTitsOnFire Tue 03-Nov-09 23:24:38

First of all you wont have to stop BF your dd, tell him he can have the dc, but not overnight until you stop BF, be firm with him on this, DO NOT stop BF your dd, he can still have your ds overnight if you want (and may give you a little break too) but dont let him make you give up BF

Secondly, get in touch with the CSA, then go here to make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled too etc

jamestkirk Tue 03-Nov-09 23:26:23

i'm a fella and have raised three kids myself - wasnt the easiest choice i ever made but just got on with it. struggled some days but mostly did a good job and theyve grown up well - the thing is, i'm a fella and managed it - have no doubt you can too.

as for the overnight with dd thing - sure theres plenty on here thatll tell you to put it off till shes older. if it were the other way round i wouldnt have a problem with it.

PrammyMammy Tue 03-Nov-09 23:42:24

No he told me that i had to, or he will tell everyone i am stopping him seeing his dd. We had so much trouble bf in the first week, she was ff in the hospital because she refused to latch, and i faught to get her to feed, spending hours on end trying until she got used to it, and i love it now. He says i am selfish and he has the right to take her 50%, when he is working his parents have to take them. He is demanding it. Thanks for the link VT, i don't have a clue about benefits. I am on maternity leave the now, and get tax credits. I will need to look into what needs to change.
I know i will be able to do it, but it just seems so hard the now, when ds is so energetic and dd is needing fed every 2 hours. and the washing is piling up, i have no dry tops that don't have spew on them, and xdp is just moaning about christmas/birthdays/weekends and not even helping.

Claire2009 Tue 03-Nov-09 23:48:23

"He told me I have to" ...

I'm sorry, but "He" is now your ex, tell him he can say what he likes, that is being childish and immature and NOT putting the children first, which is what you want to do by continuing to breastfeed.

Can you express into bottles for the nights she's with her dad?

I've been a single mum since ds was 5wks and dd 15mths, ds is 2.6yo now and dd 3.8yo, it's been hard, but most def worth every moment.

It will be easier, u will get into a routine, and you wont have a moany/whingy dp, can do whatever you want

Claire2009 Tue 03-Nov-09 23:50:10

ARGH thats made me mad.

He's demanding, don't let him, honestly don't let him be the one that has the say in everything! You're the one that has been left with the kids, tell him to give you a break to sort everything money wise, then you can sit down and talk like adults about the children, something you are both happy with.

VinegarTitsOnFire Tue 03-Nov-09 23:52:03

He can't make you give up bf, do you really believe him when he says you are selfish to continue bf? seriously? what a fuckwit he is, he sounds like a bully, dont oyu dare give up bf after it took you so long to establish, he is being totally unreasonable, and you need to see a solicitor if he carries on with this demand

jamestkirk Tue 03-Nov-09 23:53:17

sure theres plenty who'll advise on here - but really, he's being an arse. 50% of the time at 7 weeks old - is nonsense - and i'm a single parent fella thingy.

VinegarTitsOnFire Tue 03-Nov-09 23:59:06

I'm off to bed now, but keep bumping this thread PM, you will get plenty of good advice tomorrow

DO NOT GIVE UP BF, i mean it, dont let him bully you my love

TheCrackFox Tue 03-Nov-09 23:59:30

He can't tell you what to do. You are no longer in a relationship and he has no right to dictate to you about breastfeeding.

Sort out your benefits and make an appointment with CAB. This isn't about what he thinks his rights are but what is in the best interests of your DCS.

thesunshinesbrightly Wed 04-Nov-09 00:00:19

I have children too, it is hard - at first, tell him you cant hand your youngest over that is ridulous, does it really matter what he tells people? and i'm sure most will agree with you anyway, yes he does sound like a bully and i second that, you should see a solicitor.

HeSaysSheSays Wed 04-Nov-09 00:02:06

He cannot tell you you have to. He cannot demand this. No father can.

No court would allow it, not whilst you are feeding her.

He can tell people anything he likes, it does not make it true. If he is using that threat already then you can be pretty sure that, at some stage, he is going to do it anyway, no matter hwo much you bend to his will. Don't let him bully you as you are not going to win, he will always win. He is a bully and you are not, you cannot compete in that game, you need to step out of it as it is a cycle.

Instead, simply tell him how it will be (it takes strength to do so get yourself some support together first). Tell him you will not give up feeding dd. Tell him he can have her for X hours on X days, then tell him if he does not like that he can take you to court because no court in this country will demand that a mother stop breastfeeding her child - it is a fact - they WON'T.

PrammyMammy Wed 04-Nov-09 00:29:58

Thank you all. ahh i'm crying again!!

I will tell him x hours on x days and if that's not good enough i will speak to someone. I've never thought of him as a bully, but his parents are and that's where he is so i don't know if they are behind it or not.
I probably could express yeah, i tried it before and only got 4 ounces though, so i would need to save it up.

HeSaysSheSays Wed 04-Nov-09 00:52:51

Whatever happens you are going to need to let dd spend some time with him so it is proabably an idea to stat expressing little bits now to freeze so that you can send a bottle with her for emergency use - as much as anything else it will also demonstrate (to a court should it come to that) how commited you are - not only to continuing to BF but also to ensuring Ex gets access to dd within reasonable limits. Nothing more can be asked of you.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job under exceptional circumstances so well done! I cannot imagine how you are coping with this so soon after giving birth!

FWIW a person who trys to seperate a 7wk old baby from their mother (and threatens 50/50 split etc) is a bully - that act alone is enough to prove it. However sometimes people become bullies when they are frightened or threatened and it is not the norm for them. With a bit of luck he is just feeling backed into a corner right now and, once he sees you are both strong and fair, he will stop acting like a bear with a sore head and start acting like a father!

Good luck smile

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