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I don't have any fight left

(34 Posts)
LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 13:16:50

I just don't, I have found out today that court order for contact for ds does not include xh feeding him the food I have to provide due to his food allergies (xh is incapable of feeding ds right), so basically it doesn't matter what he does to ds as long as I turn up.

I could cry, I don't have any fight left to deal with this anymore.

Chickenshavenolips Mon 02-Nov-09 13:18:12

No advice, but didn't want you to feel alone.

cestlavielife Mon 02-Nov-09 14:26:33

it has been taken out of your hands - all you can do is do what you can - provide the food - and keep close record of what happens including taking DS to GP everytime he gets sick and making it clear that is ex's fault....

NicknameTaken Mon 02-Nov-09 14:26:52

So sorry, Little.

harimosmummy Mon 02-Nov-09 14:33:12

I'm sorry to read this.

Can I ask: Does this mean you have to provide the food or do you have to turn up and feed your son?

In either way, it's pretty outrageous. Why grant him unsupervised contact?

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 14:46:35

I have to provide the food in a lunch box type thing so lunch, tea and breakfast, including all snacks and drinks etc.
I also then send ds away with pj's clean clothes, tooth brush and toothpaste.

I am just knackered, I have no idea how others manage with more than just one

harimosmummy Mon 02-Nov-09 14:56:13

That seems massively unfair.

Everyone needs a little time off and it seems that you aren't getting any.

I have two DSDs (and have been step mum for over 10 years) and we'd never expect to disturb their mum other than courtesy phonecalls.

My DH works away all week and I know I need a couple of hours off at the weekend - and I can appreciate that I feel confident leaving the kids with their dad.

That you don't get that time off, and you don't get that feeling of confidence - that you have to pick up after (or before!) you Ex DH...

Doesn't sound right to me.

GypsyMoth Mon 02-Nov-09 14:58:39

does it actually state in the order that you need to provide this??

can ex not pay for it? csa?

or a list of shops that sell the stuff locally

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 15:03:53

Well it was the hospital that have requested it as they are sick of ds being fed food he isnt allowed and made sick.

Under the courts request, so far this month I have effectively written a parenting manual kid you not with everything in it from a list of ds food is allowed to his bed time routine to how to deal with restaurants when you are out. Have created a new seperate email address for xh to email (which he hasn't)

The only response I have had from xh is when he tried to tell me that he was having ds overnight when he wasn't meant to or that he is demanding I pay 50% of the divorce costs.

I also have to pick ds at the most unreasonable hour of the morning as it more conveinent to xh and him getting to work.

harimosmummy Mon 02-Nov-09 15:07:32

angry at your ex.

My Dh works in bloody Germany (and Russia before that) and he ALWAYS picks up and drops off the kids at a time agreeable to his ex.

It's just pathetic that your poor DC is ending up in hospital because of his dad's poor parenting.

How old is your DS? Hopefully, he will be old enough soon to understand what he can and can't have.

Really feel for you.

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 15:09:25

ds is 3, there is nothing worse than your child coming to you either at night or in the morning sad and upset saying "my daddy gave me something to eat which I wasnt allowed, why cant you fix this mummy?" and on a regular basis.

harimosmummy Mon 02-Nov-09 15:23:26

Oh, Littlemarshmallow...

That must be heartbreaking for you and I think you are a bigger / stronger person than me, I think I'd have told your Ex where to get off already.

I know (I really do) it's a tough path to walk when you are separated / divorced, but my experience has always been of both parents wanting the best for the child and it must be super tough when one parent disregards important information.

Can you not ask for supervised rights? Surely, your Ex is (has proved himself to be) incompetent?

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 15:34:25

I asked for supervised contact but unfortunately because he has always had unsupervised contact with ds he always will.

I thought he might want to do this for ds I don't care what he thinks of me, but ds is as he likes to put it "his son" but everytime he is given a chance he blows it, I am just at the end of trying to stay positive but I am struggling to do anything, and to most people making food for ds doens't seem like an awful lot and of course it is a small price to pay for ds to be well but when is the line drawn?

I always thought walking away would give me back my freedom but xh has found a new way to control me ds and as much as I love ds to pieces there are times in the middle of the night where do I wonder if it all is worth it but I must know it is otherwise I wouldn't still be doing this.

NicknameTaken Mon 02-Nov-09 15:41:34

It's not much comfort right now, but it will get easier. DS will get older and more able to control what he chooses to eat.

What an asshole your ex is, though. How can he not care that he's making his child sick? You did well to get away from him, anyway.

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 16:29:39

I do understand where you are coming from LittleMarshmallow whn you say you don't have any fight left. How tough for you and your DS.

It's so wrong this can happen. How can his disregards his sons well being in this way? Sorry, not having a pop just angry on your and you DS's behalf.

One way to maybe begin the process of moving to supervised access would perhaps be to keep a diary of all this?

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 16:32:47

The thing is I have a diary of everything that has been done and said, I even have the photos to prove it which are horrific to look at. But it just seems no one wants to help or maybe I just got a useless sheriff that day I don't know it is hard trying to do everything and always banging your head against a brick wall.

I am sure that somewhere down the line ds will ask xh why he did all of this and no doubt will get the answer well "because your mother is screwed up in the head" xh really thinks I have made all of this up and that I am paranoid. It is just a sad situation to be in and one I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 16:47:59

and angry for you LittleMarshmallow.

It is a desperately sad situation and I feel feel for both of you. Do you/would you feel able to to stop your DS seeing his Dad because this is different from him being just a bit of an arse he's actually causing harm by making him ill.

Sorry if that sounds emotive, not judging you for a second here and of course you know all this yourself.

Do you have supportive friends/family around you?

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 16:48:27

*really feel, not feel feel!

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 16:51:05

There is a court order in place as I did stop contact because ds was coming back so sick, but all the contact is now ordered by the court.

My mum and dad help out but they are getting on and everytime I bring the subject up they want to dismiss it. I asked for some support from my old gp and health visitor and got nothing. Currently I don't have a gp as I moved house it appears to backwards Scotland. I thought I was stronger than this, but everything is begining to takes it toll on me and I am / was being treated for depression. All I can hope is that ds appreciates everything I have done when he grows up

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 17:00:52

that sounds so hard on you.

Where are you in Scotland btw? Me too. I wondered when you mentioned a Sheriff. And we are not all backward!

Have you thought about getting another solicitor because this seems just so unbelievably unreasonable! It's terrible that your XH is allowed access to your son and is actually causing him harm.

I can really understand why you are feeling depressed with all this.

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 17:02:05

Sorry if I'm not being much help but I do have a huge amount of sympathy with what you and your DS are going through. Please keep posting for support.

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 17:02:49

thanks janos I appreciate you replying smile

mmrred Mon 02-Nov-09 20:02:44

Did the courts/Cafcass (not sure if they are involved in Scotland)have info about the food making DS sick and the letters from GP and hospital etc?

Does your ex not believe DS has food allergies?

I do say to people that stopping contact can backfire because the court then focus on getting contact re-instated - do you feel that is what happened to you? Is the case ongoing or have you got a final order?

LittleMarshmallow Mon 02-Nov-09 20:12:28

The case is ongoing, I submitted both a gp and consultant report however, because ds is only 3 xh solicitor states that there is no acurancy in the findings as they state "the mother say this" etc

The first time it went in front of the sheriff he wouldn't increase contact however the second time well he got more contact plus overnight. I was told off for not communicating with xh by the sheriff.

xh doesnt believe ds has food problems and thinks I made the whole thing up despite always being present at every hospital appointment etc for the last 18 months.

I am just so sad that no one wants to help a vulnerable little boy, they are all very quick to tell me that it shouldn't be happening etc but then won't do anything about it.

Janos Mon 02-Nov-09 20:56:31

Hmmm I got told off by the sheriff for not communicating with my ex, with whom it is pointless attempting to communicate because he lies and his idea of a discussion is 'I'm right and you're wrong, end of'. So maybe we had the same one?

mmrred in Scotland they do something called a court report. Is that what you had LittleMarshmallow?

It strikes me as very wrong that XH solicitor is dismissing the opinion of medical experts! I'm actually quite shocked that the sheriff would allow that.

Have you thought about maybe getting another solicitor?

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