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So, basically...I'm stuck

(25 Posts)
turtle23 Mon 02-Nov-09 11:18:48

DH and I have split. He has moved out temporarily in with a friend with the hope that when I have had baby and am recovered that I will move out somewhere more suitable and he will move back in. We are married, this flat is mortgaged up to the nines so one of us HAS to live here. He is self-employed and making next to nothing.
I have a 19 month old DS and am due in 3 weeks' time.
Just spent the morning at the CAB where they spent 45 minutes explaining to me that I do not have to move. I know this. Problem is that we have no money to speak of and if we continue to live together we will kill each other. (not literally, know)
Have been told that as we are married I will not qualify for income support or housing. I am stuck here. We cant afford to pay a full rent for one of us to move out. I am quite sure that I will ebd up with PND if I have to live with him when baby is born. This is horrid.

clam Mon 02-Nov-09 11:32:07

Erm.... you will have a newborn and a toddler, yet he is expecting you to move out? Is he serious?

And, showing my ignorance here I know, but do you really only qualify for help in a breakup if you're not married?

clam Mon 02-Nov-09 11:32:07

Erm.... you will have a newborn and a toddler, yet he is expecting you to move out? Is he serious?

And, showing my ignorance here I know, but do you really only qualify for help in a breakup if you're not married?

clam Mon 02-Nov-09 11:32:48

Oops! Told me it hadn't posted!

NoNameNameyChangey Mon 02-Nov-09 11:46:07

But you are not married, you have seperated. You should get help from housing and IS. I think you need to go to the benefits agency and check this out properly as the advice you have had appears flawed.

Idealy (IMO) you could do with getting out of the flat totally so you are not legally tied to any of it - the mortgage or the ownership so you can get a place of your own sorted out where the rent will be covered whill your dc are small but that may not be possible I suppose - how is the flat owned right now?

orangehead Mon 02-Nov-09 11:54:49

cab are talking rubbish. If you spilt up you qualify for help. Dont forget tax credits, tell them he has moved out and it will go up. As you have children your husband should pay you some maintance. Depending on how much maintance he gives you you might not get IS or housing benefit. Please get better advice. Hope you ok

cestlavielife Mon 02-Nov-09 11:54:53

legally she is still married at this point - i think you need a solicitor.

in any case if you have equity to your name then it complicates matters. for legal aid, housing benefit etc.

makes sense he moves out for now til you can sort it all out...

NoNameNameyChangey Mon 02-Nov-09 11:59:21

Cestlavie, legally yes but not from a benefits POV, they recognise thet there is a period between seperation and divorce where they will not be living together or supporting each other but still be married and you can get benefits then.

turtle23 Mon 02-Nov-09 12:37:48

Thanks all for replying...manic toddler...will be back...

FeelingOld Mon 02-Nov-09 16:11:07

I am still legally married to my ex but I get housing benefit and tax credits (I work so no idea how income support works).

We jointly own a house but I moved out cos he wouldnt (he was having an affair) then he moved out to be with OW, we rent out the property we own jointly and plan to do so until housing market inproves, but as the rent does not cover the mortgage and we both have to pay some towards it, this does not affect my housing benefit etc, hope that makes sense.

turtle23 Mon 02-Nov-09 20:49:40

Thanks all...has been a crazy day trying to get some things done while DS undoes them.

I was hoping that CAB got it wrong. I spent 45 minutes listening to some old woman reading through the handout they gave me about how I should think about the practicalities of breaking up. I asked her repeatedly about income support and she just said I'd have to ask the job centre. hmm

I will go straight to JC tomorrow and try to figure it all out. Is it really difficult to find somewhere to rent that takes HB?

Leslaki Mon 02-Nov-09 21:13:01

Turtle - please don't despair. I was in this situation not long ago and althought the house wasn't mortgaged up to the eyeballs it turned out Xh was about £80k in debt and I didn't know!! Some of it was 'join' debt he'd taken out in both names behind my back!! Anyway, you need to phone tax credits now and explain the situation - give them the date you separated and they will send you back dated tax credits. Phone council tax and get the single person rate. tell your X/not so D Hthat he must be the one to move out as it is far more important for you to remain in the FMH (former marital home) than him - FGS he can rent a room somewhere. Then get the rest of your finances sorted out if you can. It is amzing the difference tax credits make - but you need to be working 16 hours aweek - don't knwo what happens if you're on mat leave. Could your midwife/health visitor help? bet they see this all the time. Incidentally I was told that as we had a joint account and XH earned loads then I didn't qualify for legal aid etc - so if you don't have a joint account ask for legal aid. Phone round some local solicitors - most will give you a free 30 min legal advice session in the hope of getting your custom. Go round a few! Good luck!!!

lindsaygii Mon 02-Nov-09 23:15:14

No court in the country would make you move out and let him stay. You stay put.

Do not under any circumstances start searching for flats you can rent on HB with two kids. You'll end up somewhere awful.

He can move!!

I would go back to CAB and ask to speak to someone else. Tell them you have been advised incorrectly. In the meantime, apply for benefits online to get a start date for your claim, then go in.

You can get Child Tax Credits without working any hours a week. I know this for a fact because I am getting them now, but not working. I'm also getting Maternity Allowance.

The other person who can advise you on benefits and help is your Midwife and Health Visitor. Speak to them.

Really, please, you can't move out with two kids... I just moved house on my own with a three month old baby and it nearly killed me. He'll have to shift for himself, and that's what anyone else (including a judge) would say.

Good luck to you.

Biobytes Mon 02-Nov-09 23:20:45

You have the right to apply for Income Support/Tax credits as a lone parent even if the divorce has not yet gone through.

Get yourself to the job centre. Really do. I lost my job a few months ago and was impressed at how many things they organised to make sure DS and I were ok. I explained the situation, they asked for some papers (account statements, mortgage statement, etc etc), had the interview with the lone parent advisor who couldn't say whether I was going to get it or not, but... in a few hrs I had people ringing me to make appointments for help that could get me into another job quick, about advice on maintenance issues, legal aid for the divorce, support groups for parents in similar situations, etc. They also sorted my Council Tax bill to be reduced even without me asking about it. I couldn't believe the amount of help that was available, and wish I had contacted them as soon as we split, as it took ages to sort the problems and get information about things when I was doing it on my own.

As for moving out. Excuse me? the first priority is for the children to have some place to live, why would he take priority over them?

turtle23 Tue 03-Nov-09 07:10:42

I dont want to live here. Besides all the bad memories, etc it is a 2 bedroom flat where the front door opens onto a busy road, the bedrooms are on different floors, there is nowhere to walk's all uphill from me on busy roads.
I need to at least look at what's out there to rent. I know I should count myself lucky that I have this place, but if you could see how impractical it is for two little boys...
I don't want to go running out of here without making sure it would work...just finding it increasingly difficult to live here.
I suppose I could force DH to spend a bit on making the upstairs bedroom safe for the boys to share...and fix the roof.

megonthemoon Tue 03-Nov-09 07:23:17

turtle - maybe long term you need to look at renting somewhere more suitable for you and the boys, but at the moment you do not need that stress. You absolutely must stay put until DS2 arrives and until you are recovered from the birth and he is big enough to be feeding more regularly, sleeping a bit more and time for P to be completely settled with his new brother. I think you should make it very clear to DH that you are in the flat until at least late spring next year at the earliest unless he does all the legwork to find you somewhere with safe bedrooms, garden etc. and that he is going to have to stay with mates or find somewhere else temporarily if he doesn't do that. Put this ball in his court, turtle - you are doing everything else in this relationship, including giving birth in a few weeks time (I get the impression that he may have forgotten that...)

ChairmumMiaow Tue 03-Nov-09 07:32:20

oh turtle, I'm sorry things are getting worse.

Can you try to find a solicitor that will give you half an hour free? Jobcentre sounds like a good plan too.

My only experience of this is through SIL who stayed in the family home, but she did get extra benefits as soon as my brother had left her.

I'm around later this week and we can always meet up somewhere near to you if that is easier. (DS seems to love being on the tube/trains!)

turtle23 Tue 03-Nov-09 07:57:19

Believe me I'm in no hurry. I dont plan on leaving until I'm good and ready.

CM- I have to admit the thought of going into town right now is filling me with dread...but I did keep Thursday free to see you. Will have a think about what might be good to do that doesn't involve much hassle from either end...whereabouts will you be?

ChairmumMiaow Tue 03-Nov-09 11:48:22

DH is working in north london but we're happy to travel. DS seems to enjoy it.

How far out of London are you?

turtle23 Tue 03-Nov-09 13:08:13

I'm 20 mins south from Victoria...

ChairmumMiaow Tue 03-Nov-09 13:10:20

I'll take a look. Might be a bit too far!

slimbo Tue 03-Nov-09 18:46:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesouthsbelle Tue 03-Nov-09 18:54:57

can't advise on the mortgage side of things but you the CAB woman is talking out of her bum!

re HB - you can have the interest paid on your mortgage thru HB but not the main loan as it were. I assume all you will need is a letter from your XH to confirm he isn't living in the property any more.

they will also change your council tax status, & you can apply for council tax benefits.

contact tax credits - for one DE you should recieve approx £50 per week. (make sure you have it weekly as well, and your CB can also be weekly as well) HB is fortnightly. (but it helps me to have weekly money to 'live on'

have you sorted out maintenance money yet? that is not included as income when it comes to HB/TC'S but is when it comes to IS.

you can claim for IS as a separated person (I did for a year) you don't have to go thru the CSA maint. if you choose not to - all I had to do was provide a letter from XH to say he agreed to pay X amount each month & that amount was deducted from my IS. (basically you're allowed £60 p.w to 'live' if you have maintenance oyu get to keep £20 of that and the rest is deducted from your IS, example my maint. was at the time £46 p.w, I could keep £20 so they deducted £26 from the £60 I was allowed and paid me the rest. iycwim) this also was paid weekly into my bank.

agree thou you shouldn't leave he should.

onadietcokebreak Tue 03-Nov-09 19:01:16

Like everyone has said absolute bullshit about the benefits. Find the number in the phone book and claim Income Support tomorrow request backdating to date of seperation too. Make a new claim to tax credits and also apply for a Maternity grant from SF.

lindsaygii Tue 03-Nov-09 22:28:02

What megonthemoon said is absolutely spot on. The best post on this thread. Please please don't take on anymore until new baby is, god, I don't know, older than mine is now anyway... Maybe a year? You could manage a year, couldn't you? So much will change in that time.

Hey, he might even grow a spine and sort out the roof on his children's home... Hnh.

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