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Am I unreasonable to expect being told about DS's sickness while staying at his dad's?

(11 Posts)
Biobytes Fri 30-Oct-09 12:06:27

Just wonder... DS has come back very tired, very skinny and has a temp and now has finally said he was given calpol while at his Dad's.

No big deal if this illness was not leaving him out of breath as he is also asthmatic.

Why on Earth does the man think that this is not important enough to disclose under the "communication only about DS's health concerns" policy he has implemented?

I don't know if he is getting better or worse, if I should let him rest or ring the GP (Children at DS' stepbrother school have been diagnosed with Swine flu and DS is in the high risk group.

Damn it, am I really not entitled to know what has happened with regards to DS' health in the last week? Ex is not picking up the phone or answering any messages, texts or emails since months ago.

GypsyMoth Fri 30-Oct-09 12:13:24

have you got a communication book? pack one in his bag when he stays,and you can both write in it what has happened or what the other parent needs to know

Biobytes Fri 30-Oct-09 12:16:45

We had one but ex doesn't want to do it anymore hmm

Ah... and he also told DS not to mention absolutly anything about how he has been feeling while under his care.

mmrred Fri 30-Oct-09 19:00:17

Well, that's certainly an extreme position and there must be a lot of difficult context, IYSWIM, but I wouldn't consider a child 'ill' necessarily if all I'd done is give them Calpol. If it was Swine flu (IME) his temperature would suddenly shoot up - could just have been sickening for something and had an exciting time at Dads (and that's why he's tired.)

Ideally, of course, parents would communicate with each other but it isn't always possible.

So what happened months ago to kick off the no communication rule?

Biobytes Fri 30-Oct-09 23:29:15

The only trigger I can identify is his new partner. Not that I have problems with that, we both were very friendly and open to each other's new relationships. But since this one is in the scene I'm getting accused of carrying a torch for him which I'm sure I dropped years before we finally split hmm

mmrred Fri 30-Oct-09 23:38:18

Right, so she is threatened by having another woman in her emotional life...have you met her? What does DS think? Maybe she is struggling to cope with a DSS (it's not easy) and sees you as a rival in some way?

What are the current contact arrangements?

Biobytes Fri 30-Oct-09 23:57:40

Yes, I have met her and was as friendly to her as I have been to exh's other girlfriends but unlike the others she made it clear I was "invading" her space.

So I have backed off to respect that space but the most that I respect it the most annoyed exH seems to get. IE. I stopped talking to him about anything that was not related to DS a few months ago, yet I am still receiving very aggressive emails from asking me to leave him alone even when we have are not talking about anything other than pick up arrangements. shock

ChocHobNob Sat 31-Oct-09 09:25:34

In your first post you said he hasn't been picking up emails for months. If he's sending abusive emails, I would just ignore them.

As for the sickness thing ... my first thought was, was your son sick when his father dropped him off or has he become ill after that? Tired and sick is different.

If he was sick when he was dropped off, then yes, your ex should have told you he had been poorly.

But then if he has become ill since then, but had calpol at some point he was at his Dad's, it might have been that he was feeling a little poorly at some point, Dad gave him some calpol and then he felt better. I don't think it's necessary for your ex to tell you of every minor illness he may have had in his care ... do you tell him everytime your son is slightly ill when you have him?

My son at the moment, keeps going through periods of getting temperatures a few days in a row, just for a few hours but inbetween is fine. This might have happened.

ChocHobNob Sat 31-Oct-09 09:27:29

I mean, yes it would be nice if you could have an amicable relationship and able to discuss things about your son openly in person ... but if he wont allow it, you have to make the best of a bad situation.

mmrred Sat 31-Oct-09 10:01:31

Isn't there a pattern/routine for contact so you don't have to communicate about pick-ups unless there is a change? Would that make life easier? And if he's not responding to calls, texts, e-mails I'd stop sending them!

Biobytes Sat 31-Oct-09 11:28:00

Yes DS was unwell when he was returned.At the moment, the only emails I am sending are about pick up return times and to let him know of a particular health situation with DS (he has some background chronic health issues, is not that I'm complaining about a simple cold that in its own wouldn't cause a problem. Those issues require daily medication which needs to be adapted if DS is experiencing additional health problems).

And, yes we have a pattern we agreed on when we split but his father keeps ignoring it/modifying it at leisure. He is not even bothering in letting me know at what time he is picking up/ returning DS.

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