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Why can't I let my fiance move in?

(11 Posts)
exfactor Mon 26-Oct-09 21:11:38

I have been with my fiance for a year now. I met him a year and a half after the father of my 2 kids left. He is intelligent and funny, is nice to the kids (and they like him), leaves discipline to me, buys me flowers and a magazine every week, has made great improvements to the house and seems very committed. This week he asked me if he could move in. Although I'd always thought I'd say yes, I ended up saying, 'can we leave it for a bit'?

He was really miserable last night. He said I'd let him down, although today he apologised for sulking and said we could do whatever made me happy. A few things have happened which have made me question our relationship, such as a row a month ago, started by me, but which ended in him pushing me (not hard, but I have been in a violent relationship and am a bit scarred by it). He never goes out, has no male friends, no family and his hobbies are just computer games and reading. I love him but I won't be pushed around, and I do wonder if he is depressed. I am not a subservient woman and I am not afraid to be single. To be fair though, I have given him a lot of grief, it has been 'my way or the high way' for a long time. I have finished with him 3 or 4 times when I felt like I couldn't cope with a relationship. I don't know. How does this sound to you? I am considering counselling as I know I struggle with even minor rejections. I didn't live with my family from age 11 but that's another story. I don't want to be so hard that I can't let anyone in, but I don't want to make a mistake either. My son was 3 when his dad left and it affected him deeply. I don't want the same thing happening again. We'd be living in my house so I am secure in that way. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated...

ninah Mon 26-Oct-09 21:13:53

I think you are being totally reasonable, you have every right to go at your own speed and I think you are sensible to be cautious. If he cares for you he will respect that and wait. Good for you.

fluffles Mon 26-Oct-09 21:19:14

i think counselling would be a good idea because while you can take a relationship at any pace you want it doesn't sound like you're being entirely fair to this man (not about moving in, that's fair enough but the previous break ups sound a bit much).. and you don't seem confident in your decisions about him.

i think counselling could really help you to know your own mind about this.

TheFallenMadonna Mon 26-Oct-09 21:21:24

You have decided to marry?

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 26-Oct-09 21:26:54

I'm afraid my cocklodger alarm is going off. He asked if he could move in (as it's your house, the invite should have come from you), he doesn't have any hobbies... maybe your instincts are telling you that you don't really want him sat round the house all day farting and playing on his computer and not actually contributing anything to family life. Also the fact that he pushed you during a row sounds a bit worrying. Did he apologise in a way that shows he knew that was utterly unacceptabe?

exfactor Mon 26-Oct-09 21:30:21

Yes I have apologised to him for the many meltdowns I have had. He said it was ok. He knows how much the departure of the kids dad affected me. I'm not proud of being an emotional fuckwit at times.

He asked me to marry him 6 months in and I love him so I said yes, thinking it'd be a long engagement.

Niceguy2 Mon 26-Oct-09 21:31:58

You are not sure because deep down you know its not right. Logically this man ticks all the right boxes, he's intelligent, funny, is nice to the kids etc. Not once have you mentioned how YOU feel about him or that you love him.

Perhaps its down to your past, perhaps he's just not the alpha male you want? Who knows. Right now I think your relationship with him is based on a logical choice rather than what excites you.

Niceguy2 Mon 26-Oct-09 21:32:28

oops, just cross posted. Perhaps I'm wrong.

exfactor Mon 26-Oct-09 21:34:56

SGB lol at 'cocklodger'. You could well be right, my ex fitted that description and drove me mad. After the row yes he did apologise and was very upset with himself.

agree with niceguy.

if your gut says no then go with it. dont be pressurised into everything.

also doubtful why you with him if you keep dumping him.

not good IMO.

he might tick boxed. but he doesn't seem to tick the one that matters about clicking and wanting to spend rest of your life together.

exfactor Tue 27-Oct-09 08:33:35

I think I ended the relationship because I was afraid of getting too close. I have been left as a child and it really has affected me and every relationship I've ever had. I do love him and we do click, honest! I don't want to mess up something really good. I want to show my kids what a positive relationship is like but I just need some validation that I am in a healthy mindset before progressing. There, I answered my question smile. Thanks to all you kind people who have helped me get there.

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