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Lone parent (Dad) with one problem he really cannot raise with family!

(60 Posts)
loneparent Mon 26-Oct-09 14:14:38

I lost my wife to breast cancer nearly five years ago when my daughter was 8 and my son was 5. With lots of help from Annes family I have managed to cope with most problems - even talking to DD about periods - but one problem is still a problem.

Being celibate is not easy and I miss having her in my bed so much even after five years. Does it ever get easier?

overmydeadbody Mon 26-Oct-09 14:20:24

Oh you poor thing.

You do have other options though apart from being celibate though, have you had any relationships in the last 5 years?

Maybe it is time to get out there and meet new women?

colditz Mon 26-Oct-09 14:22:57

Start dating

With online dating it's easy to explain that you are widowed and will weed out the insensitive twats you dread dealing with.

And I'm with you, although not widowed, celibacy is NOT fun.

VineGruesomeTits Mon 26-Oct-09 14:29:06

Same here regarding celibacy, I have tried online dating and just keep meeting weirdos (although i havent tried that particular site) i agree its no fun, for me, not being able to share good times is what i miss more than the sex bit though

loneparent Mon 26-Oct-09 17:44:06

No relationships at all.sad

In the early days I was too shocked, too sad and too busy to think about anything much apart from getting through the days. And as time went by I just never seemed to meet anyone except for one very special lady who I was told (although not by her) that I could never marry even though she was and is single. (long story!)

ElenorRigby Mon 26-Oct-09 19:17:01

DP was separated from his ex when I met him. He had done some online dating stuff, had met some psycho's, was fed up and not wanting to bother.
We both joined a book club around the same time. Neither of us were really looking.
DP's daughter was 3 at the time. I was a single party girl who never wanted to date a bloke with kids.
After a few meetings of the book club we got to know eachother a little and started dating.
Five months later I met his beloved daughter. We have now been together 4 years. DSD is nearly 7. We have a daughter together aged just over
Maybe you could try some clubs your interested in, you might meet someone there.

I am interested why your special lady can never marry.
Also could you just live with someone rather than having to marry.

ElenorRigby Mon 26-Oct-09 19:19:33

We have a daughter together aged just over 2.

Sorry the 2 went missing somehow!

loneparent Tue 27-Oct-09 14:34:36

"I am interested why your special lady can never marry. Also could you just live with someone rather than having to marry."

My parents-in-law adopted a child when they were told that they would not be able to have children of their own. A couple of years later MIL DID manage to conceive and my late wife was the result. Last year, so 4 years after my wife had died, MIL very gently and kindly broke the news to me that you cannot marry your wife's sister even if your wife has died. She did this to stop either of us getting hurt so although we still interact like brother and sister I suspect we both want more. MIL, FIL and SIL has been a stars in helping me and I would do anything rather than upset any of them.

So its a celibate life for me sad

Malkuth Tue 27-Oct-09 15:51:05

Am confused a bit, sorry. (In my defence I am at the tail end of swine flu.) Is your MIL saying it is illegal to marry your wife's sister? Is this true? Or is she saying that she doesn't think it is right?

Am v sorry for your situation and really hope you find someone but am confuddled as to why you couldn't be involved with anyone not blood related to you. Other than the feelings of people who mean a great deal to you obviously.

cestlavielife Tue 27-Oct-09 15:54:41

of course you can marry your late wife's sister!

in fact, i know of two cases where very similar situations have occurred and the people involved have gotten together - in both cases the new couple had together shared the loss of someone close to them.

get on with it, both of you....

your parents in law will be fine once they realise....

choosyfloosy Tue 27-Oct-09 16:06:36

Deceased Wife's Sister Marriage Act 1907

In fact it was only strictly illegal to marry your late wife's sister from 1825 - 1907. Before that, if anyone objected, the marriage could be annulled, but it was nonetheless possible to marry in these circumstances.

You might need to take some time to think about this. I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to spend more time with the person in question, and get everybody used to the idea perhaps?

Very best wishes for your future however it works out.

loneparent Tue 27-Oct-09 16:07:43

If what you say is correct then today is possibly a life changing day for me. Obviously I will need to be 100% certain of the situation before I do anything

madhairgirl Tue 27-Oct-09 16:15:15

Good luck. I hope everything does go well, and I am sure the people that really matter to you will understand and be supportive

Niceguy2 Wed 28-Oct-09 07:41:49

Mate, my heart goes out to you. My DD is about the same age as yours is now so know how hard it is to talk about certain things to them.

Hope you sort everything out but really there is no need to resign yourself to a life of celibacy. If things don't work out, go out there and go sharking!!!!

loneparent Wed 28-Oct-09 08:38:42

My mind is in a total whirl and I hardly slept last night. For the first time in a long long time I find myself looking forward rather than just living on a day to day basis. I will have to find out today where I stand before saying anything to anyone in the family.

HerBewitcheditude Wed 28-Oct-09 08:51:12

Yay, hurray for mumsnet! So full of life-changing information. smile

I think you should prepare yourself for the idea that your MIL may be hostile to the idea of you two getting together because she feels emotionally dubious about it - maybe feels that you are her other DD's husband, not this DD's, IYSWIM.

But while you should deal with her discomfort sensitively and gently, you shouldn't let it stop you trying to pursue happiness. Forewarned is forearmed and if you take into consideration that she may be unhappy about it, you'll be able to deal with it the best way possible.

loneparent Wed 28-Oct-09 14:56:59

Firstly I cannot begin to thank both cestlavielife and choosyfloosy who prompted me to actually check what I had been told about marrying my late wife's adopted sister.

I have spoken to the local Registrar and she confirms that there is no legal or religious problem with one clincher of many being that an adopted sister is not a blood relative of my late wife. This conversation left me in a happy daze and I hightailed around to the lucky lady concerned and waited impatiently for her shift to end. She listen patiently to my rambling and almost incoherant explanations and then said the magic words "Yes, I would like to move in with you"

We have still got to tell the children who are out with two different lots of friends until tea time and of course MIL and FIL might have a view but at least two of the steps have been done OK!
grin grin grin

BudaBones Wed 28-Oct-09 15:00:40

Wow! I wish you so much luck!

But if I were you I would let MIL know very gently.

Fabster Wed 28-Oct-09 15:01:45


So she is moving in with you without you having had a relationship???

Frrrightattendant Wed 28-Oct-09 15:06:02

Oh golly! smile

Well yes it did occur to me that your MIL might have had an ulterior motive in saying what she did...but that is by the by really.

Hope you will all be very happy!

Slambang Wed 28-Oct-09 15:09:33

err .. a bit fast innit? hmm

DorotheaPlentighoul Wed 28-Oct-09 15:13:56

I am baffled -- you went from "suspecting" that you both wanted more, to moving in together, after that one conversation?

edam Wed 28-Oct-09 15:16:29

Blimey! Very glad that this new information has given you some hope.

AnnieLobeseder Wed 28-Oct-09 15:16:47

Now I'm not the emotional type, but this has brought a tear to my eye! Hooray for MN! Secret illicit love has been found to not be illicit after all! I'm so very happy for you!! And it's fantastic that she feels the same way! <sniff>

toddlerama Wed 28-Oct-09 15:22:08

Wow! Lucky you posted eh!

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