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Wisdom needed

(4 Posts)
RougetNoir Mon 19-Oct-09 14:03:44

Hello,

As I have a blended family, I've been reading mostly in Step-Parenting but a fellow member suggested posting here would be good as well. So here goes:

Sorry if I don't get all the Abbr. right...I haven't figured them out yet.

I have a DD who's turning 6 this week. Her birth father (BF) left when I was 3 months pregnant. She was a surprise but I was happy to be pregnant. He was very resentful of me deciding to keep the baby and made my life a misery during pregnancy and in the few months after birth.

I met my husband while I was pregnant but we didn't get together until daughter was 1 year old. I moved to the UK from Canada and since then we got married and live here. DH has been a wonderful father to my daugther since we've been together and she sees him as her daddy. He has 2 DD (7 &9) from previous marriage and the eldest lives with us.

At the time, BF said he was actualy pleased I was moving abroad as he didn't want contact with me or the baby. I filed for sole custody and moved.

DH is very supportive of me and also has DD best interests at heart. He's always said no matter what I decide that he will be there. He's also made it clear that he would be happy to adopt her.

DD does know him as ''name'' and a friend of mummy in canada and I'm planning to tell her before she is ten or when she will ask about how and when she was born, whichever comes first.

Since then he has seen DD only twice (2006 & 2008) when I went back to visit. He never came here to visit her. He sends one gift to cover b-day and xmas each year, and pays maintenance when he feels like it(Because I'm abroad they don't have to chase him so it's irregular). Every 6 months , he writes a mail, saying he wants to establish contact and I, trying to do the right thing, go along with it , arrange a time only for him to cancel the whole thing because he doesn't feel like it anymore. Then it is complete silence for another 6 months...

Each time , He ends up rambling about how much this whole thing has ruined his life but then he rants about how he wants her to know he's the father and I have to explain over and over that it's not about him but about DD's happiness. I have to feel the time is right for her to understand the complexity of the situation. He's sending very mixed messages and I'm not sure how to read him anymore.

Now with her birthday coming up , I just got a mail from BF asking for my mail address (which I sent him twice since we've moved!)and a request to wish happy birthday to DD via skype. I've agreed to it but haven't said anything yet to DD as I'm afraid he will cancel it last minute as he always does. I'm feeling a bit uneasy and unsure about this....

so my question is : I'm really sick of him rambling about the past and wish he would either get over it , get involved because he wants to or we both agree he's out of the picture unless she actually wants to know him at some point...

I've always been cooperative and courteous for the sake of her ''possible future relationship'' with him but this is now really annoying me.

Not sure if this makes sense or not...

I'd appreciate some input as I'm feeling a bit lost here...

Thanks!

itsmeolord Mon 19-Oct-09 14:05:01

I replied on your other thread. smile

pertbootywish Tue 20-Oct-09 17:14:10

Hi RougetNoir I also have an ex in Canada though my situation is a little different in that my xh has regular webcams with dd (there are other issues though..).

I would also feel unsure of whether your dd's bio dad could be trusted to keep to his promise to call on her birthday. I would think it would be more important to establish a regular calling schedule if he truely wanted to build a relationship with your dd, regardless of whether it's a b-day etc.

As for maintenance issues the Canadian CSA have a reciprical agreement with the UK CSA so they will chase him if it's what you want?Haven't gone down that road myself as yet but they will take it straight out of his paypacket at that end and deposit into your account this end.

so I guess my opinion would be tell him if he really wants to have regular contact then set something up and stick to it, he can't just decide to call at occaisions of his choosing.

RougetNoir Wed 21-Oct-09 09:50:01

Hi PBW,

Thanks for you reply.

He didn't call on her birthday in the end and wants to schedule a chat at a later stage.I knew he would postpone again.

She's not aware of this because if I told her everytime he ends up cancelling last minute...she would already be quite disappointed with him. I'm not sure what he expects out of this...

Thanks for tip about maintenance. PQ CSA are on his case already so he ends up paying everytime...problem is , he's not always paying on time, not that his make a big difference once you've converted in into £ !

Cheers.

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