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My closest friend at work doesnt like single parents and think they are unable to bring up kids properly

(24 Posts)
allgonebellyup Sat 17-Oct-09 14:18:18

Normally we get on really well. i have known her at work for a year and she is my closest friend there. i have been a single mum for 2.5yrs, my choice, and my 2 children have different fathers. Both children have amazing relationships with their dads, and see them most weekends.

I heard my friend yesterday discussing all the kids at our school (we work in a school)who have "awful" families as their mothers have different partners from the childrens fathers, and how it makes the child's life a complete mess. She then said she couldnt understand how "these families" function and how the kids lives must be ruined.
At this point she did see me standing there.

Then when i was helping her house-hunt, i suggested a certain area to her and she said "god, no, that area is full of single parent families, no thanks!!"

i went home and cried for the first time in about a year, feeling bloody awful about my life and the fact my children have different fathers and neither one of them is still with me. sadsad

LaurieScaryCake Sat 17-Oct-09 14:21:16

{{{{hugs}}}}

but it's her problem not yours

she is being an idiot and I hope she apologises to you.

QueenOfFrighteningEveryone Sat 17-Oct-09 14:24:40

Well she's an ignorant twat, if you don't mind me saying.

Don't feel awful. Sounds like your kids' lives are far, far from 'ruined' - would things be so much better for them if you were still in an unhappy relationship with either father?

citronella Sat 17-Oct-09 14:46:34

She doesn't sound much like the sort of person who deserves you as a friend. Very very insensitive, rude and ignorant.

AMumInScotland Sat 17-Oct-09 14:47:10

Challenge her on it. If you get on well normally, then she's probably one of those idiots who make generalisations about all sorts of groups and then say "Oh, but I don't mean you of course", as if it was obvious that you were magically different from the rest of whatever group she's bad-mouthing.

So, next time she makes a negative comment, point out the bleeding obvious - that she is insulting you personally. So "Oh, would you not want to live next to someone like me then?", "So, you think I'm ruining my childrens lives then?"

Hopefully she'll twig that each individual person in that group has their own life, and their own reasons for being in that situation, instead of lumping them all together as bad parents.

IwantGordonTHATway Sat 17-Oct-09 14:51:27

She is an ignorant bigot.

RealityBites Sat 17-Oct-09 14:57:43

Message withdrawn

RealityBites Sat 17-Oct-09 15:13:44

Message withdrawn

tethersend Sat 17-Oct-09 15:14:55

Congratulate her on having found (or will find) a the only immortal partner in the world, who will NEVER leave. EVER.

hmm

MavisGrind Sat 17-Oct-09 16:14:10

<<hijack - sorry!>> tethersend is your name connected to a Mr Campion? Just wondered smile

Allgone - She'd hate me too, perhaps all single parents should live in designated areas so as to not bother the normal people hmm She sounds like a bit of a twat .

overmydeadbody Sat 17-Oct-09 16:16:31

She is wrong, and ignorant and stupid.

Why did you not challenge her on it? Perhaps she just needs her assumptions challeneged?

ShinyAndNew Sat 17-Oct-09 16:19:08

She should hook up with dd1's idiot father. He told me that he didn't need to arrange to see her as he would see her in his professional capacity <he is a prohibation officer> sooner or later. Because she was being brought up by a single parent, so therefore bound to turn out bad hmm

But then again, he also tried to report me to social services while I was pregnant with her grin

He was such a delightfull person. I really miss him being in my life. Your friend sounds like she is similarly wonderfull wink

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Sat 17-Oct-09 16:25:14

I'd challenge her. Maybe not in a big confrontational way, but the way she does it,,, little comments...

"it's so sad the way so many miserable parents stay together damaging their children"

and then 2 weeks later when you hear of somebody putting up with a load of nonsense from a man

"I'm so glad my children don't have to see their mum bending over backwards to accommodate a lazy/selfish/insert as applicable father.

I'm a single mum too, and I know that occasionally one does run into somebody like this, and imo, it always turns out that they envy you something... your easy way with people, your cuter child, I don't know... but something. There is always something...

poshsinglemum Sat 17-Oct-09 22:14:26

She's your FRIEND? Honestly?

Well I hope that she's no longer your friend.

poshsinglemum Sat 17-Oct-09 22:16:31

They envy your freedom and capability to bring up your child alone.

longagegap Sat 17-Oct-09 22:29:57

Not all single parents are bad , i've 2 children to 2 twats lol they are the ones that walked out on their kids , she never knows if same thing could happen to her . My oldest is in grammer school and a good child , my 2nd is special needs but is such a lovely child . Single parents have to be mum/and dad at times and do it on their own most of the time , even if kids do see their other parent it is still hard work but you get the good times and the bad . Dont listen to her

lindsaygii Sun 18-Oct-09 19:04:39

Presumably if you two are such good friends she knows your situation? If the answer is no, ask yourself why - is she really such a good friend that you never told her something so basic about your set-up? If the answer is yes, then what everyone else said about her being a twat...

allgonebellyup Sun 18-Oct-09 21:37:27

Reality bites - you know who i am???
i dont know anyone else who has 2 kiddies wit diff dads and they dont see them?!

She does always slag off single mums and say "not YOU of course!"
But she is lovely the rest of the time,just very opinionated, and v proud that she stuck at a horrible 20yr marriage for the sake of her kids.

nighbynight Sun 18-Oct-09 22:12:02

Oh well if she has stuck with an unhappy marriage for 20 years, that is the reasno of course - she is justifying her own decision.

shiny - what a prize your ex must be!

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Mon 19-Oct-09 13:53:45

"But she is lovely the rest of the time,just very opinionated, and v proud that she stuck at a horrible 20yr marriage for the sake of her kids."

Absolutely agree with pp, she has to rationalise her decision, even if it means having a distorted view of 'the just world'. ~She needs to see things this way or her own life will have been a sacrifice to a shit relationship.

She envies you your strength and independence, even if she doesn't recognise that herself. That envy maybe subconscious.

oldraver Mon 19-Oct-09 15:52:37

She works in a SCHOOL and is spouting this rubish there about single parents ? I would be having a word with her superior as its not really appropriate to be loudly expressing such views.

Ok people like her will still have such views but she shouldnt be expressing them in a school where anyone could of heard

TheOldestCat Mon 19-Oct-09 15:57:51

Your 'friend' is an idiot; please don't let her upset you.

I had a similar thing at work where a woman launched into 'working mothers' being responsible for the decline of the nation. Quietly, I mentioned that I disagreed (well I would since I've worked full time since DD was six months) and I've avoided her since.

It turns out that she feels terribly guilty for leaving her children with their father when they were very young and moving hundreds of miles away. So I think it was her insecurity talking and now I just feel sorry for her and don't let her stupid opinions affect me.

Like Maggie and pp suggest, the woman being rude to you is projecting her own sacrifice. Hold your head up high and don't let her piss on your chips.

flakecake Wed 21-Oct-09 20:01:58

Hi, I am vexed! So when these asshole men fuck off and abandon us and their kids, what should us women do? Give up the children? Let the strave to death, so we can get on with our own lifes too? Doh! I know, we should pretend they don't exsist, just like a lot of men do!

JJsandcat Sat 24-Oct-09 09:07:18

If this is your friend, then you won't need enemies my dear. Poor you, what an awful thing to say. She is small-minded and arrogant.

I'd say a lot more children's lives are ruined by watching emotional and physical abuse, loveless marriages and careless parents steeped in their own problems.

Unless she walks in your shoes or has been directly affected I think she shouldn't judge. She is NOT a friend. Sneaky to say that behind your back, at least you know her true colours now.

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