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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

How to deal with manipulative, emotionally abusive x and access

29 replies

DutchGirly · 14/10/2009 16:44

I have split up with my XP of 5 years due to his and his family's emotionally abusive behaviour.

As we have a little one of 2, he had daily access in my house with her until he displayed unwanted physical attention whilst I made it very clear I did not want him to touch me in any shape of form.

I have since contacted Women's Aid as he kept creeping me out who have been absolutely fantastic. I suffer from Postnatal Depression for which I am now receiving treatment.

I now no longer let him into the house and he started emotionally blackmailing me again stating I am depraving our little one of her dad.

Does anybody have any advice how to deal with this kind of behaviour. At the moment I am employing the broken record approach but he just keeps trying his luck stating I am emotionally abusive of our little one by not allowing him to give her a bath and put her to bed and it is bringing me down.

Yesterday he displayed dreadful behaviour. I came back early from visiting my friend so he could spend extra time with little one in the park. He stated I was emotionally abusive by calling his family disgusting (they are, even in the professional opinion of WA counsellor)and for not allowing him inside the house and that I did not deserve a FREE Waitrose magazine that was in a bag so he was taking it back, WTF
He then stated he had a date and that should make me feel better but that he would give me another chance.

I would be very happy if he got a girlfriend to be honest, he completely creeps me out.

OP posts:

Report

freeasabird · 14/10/2009 16:56

hiya dutchgirly he sounds like a more abusive version of my XH.

i am 6 months down the line of splitting up,i still get emails although not as frequently but any time he can he will try and engage me in conversation and try and come in the house.

the only thing that has worked with my xh is to not give him the reaction he craves,they crave any bit of attention ,feedback even if its negative, i treat him as if he doesnt exist,i dont look at him when its handover time and i dont speak to him except yes or no answers.

i told him 2 weeks ago that if he continued with the emails and begging me to take him back i would take a restraining order on him and it seems to have calmed him down.

its so hard and you have my complete sympathy, but keep your head up you are doing the right thing by your dd.

freeasabird · 14/10/2009 16:58

oh yes just to add i would be *delighted" if XH got a girlfriend,i even told him this.

i found that when i stood my ground and didnt show him i was scared of him,he backed down as well,even tho i was panicking,i didnt show it to him.

DutchGirly · 14/10/2009 17:53

thanks freeasabird.

tonight he had to get files from the office in the house so stupidly I did let him in to get them with the house door open in case of any problems. It did take him quite long and I suddenly checked if her passpost was there, he has taken both passports.

I called him in a blind panic to ask where he was and where were the passports to which he replied they are in the office, you're paranoid!

As he left, he told me to clean up her room, he is just such a nasty piece of work at the moment. I think I am going to ask a friend to help pack up all his stuff and stay with me when he picks it up.

It is not my problem he does not have any storage.

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freeasabird · 15/10/2009 08:15

mind games dutchgirly, thats what hes playing.

mine used to hide my clothes,money,bank card my cross stitch (that was hidden for 2 years and the day he left he told me to empty a cupboard and there it was).

do you have to let him in the house? if not DONT.

mine doesnt get across the threshold,he dropped off DD last night, i dont look at him i just speak to her,i was like you at first letting him come in,(he was putting things in my fridge and using the DC hairbrush to brush his hair ) but no longer, i can feel him drifting away now,but its taken me almost 6 months.

Stand your ground and dont let him bully you.

re the passports,can you report them as stolen/lost as he has said he doesnt have them?

keep posting whenever you need to.theres a few of us on here that have gone through/are going through this, you can do it!!!

oldraver · 15/10/2009 16:44

Does he have PR ? If he hasn't he doesn't have any right to remove her Passport and I would be straight onto the police and report them as stolen. Then get it cancelled with IPS and get a new one

He may just be playing mind games and trying to wind you up but the fact he has been devious about the passport I wouldn't let him anyway near your daughter until this is sorted

giveloveachance · 15/10/2009 16:54

Does he have her passport? If so CALL AND GET IT CANCELLED RIGHT AWAY!!!!!

You DO NOT HAVE TO LET HIM IN TO YOUR HOME!!!!

Report his behaviour to the community police officer as well as your contact in WA. They will have an officer/s who deal with Domestic Violence, and emotional abuse is Domestic Violence. REPORT IT to them AND tell them you think he has taken your childs passport.

You are NOT depriving her of a dad - HE IS by his appalling behaviour - you are protecting her from emotional harm. You have done the right and brave thing, stick to your guns, please dont let him make you feel responsible for his behaviour, you are not. - easier said than done I know, but hang on in there.

Please please please call your police station and speak to the domestic violence officer and report that missing passport.

DutchGirly · 15/10/2009 19:34

I did get the passport back yesterday.
It gave me the fright of my life as I thought he had taken my daughter abroad as he has dual nationalities.

He never mentioned taking it, I would not have known if I did not had to take my ID to the post office to pick up a letter.

Legally nothing has been decided as of yet, daughter lives with me as I have always been main carer and he has no suitable accommodation.

Daughter and I have so much fun now together without him in the house and I am already feeling so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Thanks for the support, I am actually coping much better as a lone parent than I thought was ever possible.

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nighbynight · 15/10/2009 20:19

He sounds just like my ex.
Probably just pissed off that you have escaped his clutches.

Stick to your guns and dont let him into your house. Your stuff has to be private - stuff his emotional blackmail.

I have had court orders banning my ex from coming near our house because he kept on harassing us.

giveloveachance · 16/10/2009 09:37

Thank goodness you got the passport back. I would still contact your local police domestic violence department and have a chat with them as well as womens aid. The more people who know that he is a problem the safer you will be. And if it comes to getting a restraining order you will need evidence to back it up - you have plenty to report to them already.

And hide the pass port from now on.

So glad to hear that you and your dd are having fun now, that is fantastic!

DutchGirly · 16/10/2009 17:18

I just feel like thumping him over the head at the mo.

He emailed me a whole list of requirements as he is taking little one swimming tomorrow. The sheer arrogance.

Bottle, sippy cup, swimming trunks, milk, snacks etc. I even have to provide him with milk and snacks for little one! Can't he go to the shop and get some snacks himself? He then states he wants it in writing that we split child benefit whilst the twat has exactly paid not even £200 since August plus 1 box of £10 nappies and some food of which he ate most of anyway. Childcare is almost £700 month, all of which I paid for.

He also states I am emotionally abusive to little one as she wants him to give her a bath. Little one has been perfectly fine and has not been asking for him to bath her at all.

Sorry, just needed to unload.

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nighbynight · 16/10/2009 20:35

This sounds so like my ex.
I know that you know this already but - Gradually distance yourself from him, and negotiate visits with clear boundaries. Eg, when his dd is staying with him, you shouldnt be running along behind with bottles and snacks.

Just turn a deaf ear to the emotional abuse accusations. (But might be a good idea to write them down, save emails or even record phone conversations, in case he tries to make trouble with social services later).

DutchGirly · 17/10/2009 09:34

Thank you so much for the advice, I am already feeling much more positive.

Little one and I are so much closer, I think it is because I am much more relaxed so I can enjoy our time together much more.

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NicknameTaken · 19/10/2009 10:37

Hi DutchGirly, this all sounds so familiar! Ex complains that I don't send enough clothes with DD (aged nearly 2) but I rarely get back the clothes/shoes I do send. He seems to be stockpiling them. He hasn't given me a penny towards her, and is very bitter that I am not paying half his rent, as he is still in our old house. He has also asked for half the child benefit/tax credits, which he's not going to get. And yes, he has also said that I neglect/abuse her.

But on the positive side, it's a great relief that I don't have to live with this behaviour. And like you, the relationship between DD and me is so much easier because I can relax. When I was still with ex, he used to get jealous if DD wanted to come to me instead of to him, so I seemed to spend half my time urging her to go to daddy. I can now hug my baby without worrying what he thinks any more. I can't believe I let him reduce me to such a pathetic state.

DutchGirly · 19/10/2009 11:01

Nicknametaken, thank you so much for your eply. I am not going mad after all ; )

I am bending over backwards so he can see her everyday, however when I ask him if he can come half an hour earlier so I can go to my exercise class, it is not possible as he wants to sleep for longer.

Never mind I am up every night with her.

He is so arrogant he asks for half the child benefit whilst hardly paying anything and then emailing me a list of snacks to put in er bag.

He continues to push my boundaries, now stating he has the right to approve any babysitter I may use in the future.

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mamas12 · 19/10/2009 11:27

Don't reply to anything that is not relevant to you and your dds needs okay.
He can do the snacks himself. He needs to buy his own sippy cup to have with him etc.If he wants to be a parent let him don't be his mother and chase after him with things he may need. Your dd will be fine.
Don't whatever you do split the child benefit he is just being a controlling EA twat.
Do you have rl support dutchy?

mamas12 · 19/10/2009 11:30

Sorry pressed too soon.
Also he has no right s whatsoever to 'vet' who you deem suitable to babysit for you.
I suggest you do distance yourself from him. Stop letting him into your home. You can do it.

DutchGirly · 19/10/2009 11:37

He is not allowed into the house anymore although he keeps pushing it.

I will expect him to buy her own sippy cup etc, at the moment I am taking baby steps as there are more important things to take care of.

In fact, I am going to re-decorate it so it is our girl's home.

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queenofdenial2009 · 19/10/2009 13:48

He is not eligible for the child benefit, as you are the primary carer. Might be worth mentioning that you will take it up with the benefit office if he asks again.

Agree with the others, don't let him in your house. If he wants to see DD, he can take her out. And obviously he can't vet any babysitter you might use at some forseeable time in the future. He's just sniffing around to see if you've got a new man. What a muppet.

I would get a solicitor and draw up a legal agreement for parenting, you won't necessarily have to go to court and you have a good chance of being eligible for Legal Aid.

NicknameTaken · 19/10/2009 14:40

I don't know how long since you left him, Dutch, but I'm finding that five months after leaving, my own guilt has subsided and that is helping me be to evaluate his demands more clearly. I'm getting better at telling when he's being ridiculous. That's the thing about emotionally abusive relationships - you lose your sense of what's normal and not. It takes a while to reclaim your sense of what's acceptable.

nighbynight · 19/10/2009 18:13

Dont feel too bad about not learning fast - it's now nearly 3 years since I closed the door and refused to allow my ex into the house because of emotional and physical abuse.
Yet just yesterday I agreed on the phone to drive him half way across europe! Because he nagged me and piled on the guilt.
I still cant believe I agreed. Will have to phone him and say I am sorry but I really cant. Would have to take a week off work, - including ferries and petrol the whole jaunt would cost me around 3K!!!

you really have to have gone through this sort of relationship to understand this sort of craziness, I think!

DutchGirly · 19/10/2009 18:41

It has barely been 2 months since the split so it is just difficult for me at the mo even though realistically the relationship ended ages ago.

I never imagined I would be a single parent although I guess most people think that.

Little one is such a joy and it pains me I have nobody to share it with.

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nighbynight · 19/10/2009 18:46

Recognise all those things.

Do you have someone who could babysit, so that you could go out a bit, and meet people, and enjoy being single with child?

I remember the first time it occured to me that I could go clothes shopping! (frowned on by ex, as was any activity that didnt involve worshipping him.)

NicknameTaken · 20/10/2009 10:03

Ha, nighbynight, I could completely see my ex talking me into something like that. They really know all the buttons to press, don't they?

nighbynight · 21/10/2009 22:32

they do, nickname. And in general I am not weak or stupid

Time2Hibernate · 21/10/2009 22:55

That's not a nice way to be treated is it? So cruel. Not physical but nonetheless, doesn't make you feel good about yourself I guess. He's picking on you because at this moment in time you are vulnerable, so easy to target.

So....

If you don't want to go immediatley to the police, most areas around the UK have IDVA's (Independent Domestic Violence Advocates) who are brilliant and can offer really good advice, support and access to other support networks, so you are not isolated and given informed choices based on your safety and the child.

If you go to the police, ask to speak to a domestic abuse specialist. The local Victim Support may be able to help too, although normally they need to have a 'crime' number but I'm sure they would be happy to tell you an IDVA contact as they support people.

If you do a search on the internet under IDVAs you may find a direct link and you can self refer.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

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